NORTH DARFUR , SUDAN --A group of Sudanese refugees expressed amazement yesterday at how much 76ers star Allen Iverson has been through in his basketball career. Iverson has had to endure multiple coaching changes, pressure from fans and media, and the burden of carrying a moderately talented team on his back throughout tenure in Philadelphia . His ability to overcome adversity has been an inspiration to the refugees in the North Darfur region. “Allen Iverson has much heart and we admire that greatly,” said Miriam Bakhid Idriss, a woman whose entire family was slaughtered in the genocide in Sudan . “His career has had so many ups and downs, yet still he comes to play every single day. He leaves everything on the court, too, and sacrifices his body for the good of the team. If he retires without a world championship, that will be one of the great tragedies of our time.”
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MIAMI --The Miami Heat’s Christian Laettner scored 11 points, 3 rebounds, and 3 assists in a game against the New Orleans Hornets Tuesday night, giving him the all time NBA lead in single doubles. The 6-11 forward has notched a whopping 182 single doubles during his 12-year career. “It’s just a real honor to be able to have my name in the record book,” Laettner said after the game. “I’ve worked so hard all my career to be consistent, and I think this record shows that. To hear my name mentioned in the same breath as luminaries like Pete Taylor, Al Karpowski, Greg Kite, and Cedric Franks is overwhelming. When I came into this league, some people feared that I may be a one-dimensional player. Well I’m happy to say that I proved them right.”
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NEW YORK --A Sportsnation opinion poll was conducted during Sunday night’s Red Sox-Yankees game to determine if batter Jorge Posada went all the way around on a check swing. The game was delayed for 60 minutes while members of the powerful nation weighed in on the matter and the votes were tallied. The final result? Yes, he did. Posada complained bitterly about the call, saying members of Sportsnation “should get their eyes checked.” “That’s bullshit. I didn’t go all the way around,” said the Yankees catcher. “I had control of the head of the bat. Who are these people anyway, and why do we care what they think?” Sportsnation later voted to fine Posada $10,000 dollars for his comments.
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The Reds’ Ken Griffey Jr is $750,000 richer today, thanks to an incentive clause that paid the slugger to play an entire nine-inning game. It was a close call, as Griffey had to run down a fly ball in the eighth, but he came through without a scratch and picked up his check after the game. “This is a big step for me,” Griffey said, nursing his sore hamstring with a heating pad. “Just to be able to go out there and contribute for 9 full innings really gratifying. That’s why they put this incentive clause in my contract. They didn’t think I could do it, but I did. They aint seen nothing yet. Now I’m going for my next incentive clause: making a diving catch without having to be carried off on a stretcher.”
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According to league sources, the New York Mets’ bullpen problems are hilarious. After the team spent millions of dollars on free agents in the offseason, it’s fitting that they would struggle in the one area they neglected—the bullpen. “Ha ha ha ha ha….oh man, that’s too funny. That is about the funniest thing I’ve ever heard,” said Braves GM John Schuerholz, doubled over in laughter. “HA HA HA! HA HA! They drop all this cash on Pedro and Carlos Beltran and then cheap out on the bullpen. Then the bullpen totally shits the bed. It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever…AH! HA! HA! HA! HA!…sorry…I…I can’t finish.” The Mets responded that they didn’t find it funny at all, and that Schuerholz should take a look at his starting lineup if he wants to see something really funny.
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Karl Malone, recently retired NBA player, told reporters today that he was going to miss choking in the playoffs. The former Jazz star has fond memories of his postseason collapses and said it will be “weird” to live through a spring without ripping the fans’ hearts out. “Coming up short in the playoffs is like a springtime ritual for me,” said Malone, who played one year with the Lakers before retiring in 2004. “The flowers are blooming, the kids are on spring break, a young man’s thoughts turn to love, and I miss jump shots in the waning minutes of games. It’s a tradition. I guess this is why they say retirement is a big adjustment.” |
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Kenny Lofton, who has been traded a whopping six times in the past three years, is not even sure which team he is on anymore, sources reported Tuesday. Official Major League records indicate that he is on the Philadelphia Phillies, but Lofton has worn so many uniforms in recent years, the information is lost on him. “I’m playing in the national league. I know that much,” said Lofton. “Let’s see, last year I was with the Yankees, and before that the Pirates, then the Cubs…or was it the White Sox? Wait, I think it was both. This year I’m with…hmmm, let’s see. The Reds? No, it’s definitely somebody red though. The Angels! No, no, that’s not it. Oh, I got it. The Phillies, right? Yep, it’s the Phillies. I guess I could’ve just looked down at my shirt.” Moments later, Lofton received word that he had been traded back to the Yankees. |
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CLEVELAND, OH--The federal government intervened today to force the NBA to unplug the Cavaliers’ life support. The team has been clinging to life for the past few weeks, but it looks as though the end is near. Tom DeLay (R-TX) travelled to the Cavs pracitce facility and pleaded with the team ownership to put the team out of its misery. “The mark of a great democracy is how it protects its weaknest, most vulnerabel citiznes,” DeLay said. “It is inhumane and cruel to watch this once fine team lay there like dogs while the life is sucked out of them. I urge the team ownership, the NBA, or whoever is in charge of these things, to pull this plug immediately and allow them to die a natural death. If not, I’ll have the NRA come down and blow their heads off.”
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BOSTON—The Tampa Bay Devil Rays, a spunky young team loaded with determination and heart, were unceremoniously pummelled by the Boston Red Sox, a team with tons of money that doesn’t need heart. Afterwards, Manager Lou Pinella praised his team for trying their best. “This team has heart alright, and they need it,” said Pinella. “Because we don’t have a red cent to our name. We go out there every day and compete. We compete and lose to teams like the Red Sox who have all the money they need and really can get through an entire season without using any heart whatsoever. I envy teams like that.” The Devil Rays enormous amount of heart landed them in last past in the American League East three of the past four years. |
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Pope Benedict XVI was blasted by church officials after making insensitive comments about Satan in a sermon in front of the College of Cardinals yesterday. During the sermon, the Pope called Satan “the king of evil” and said the world’s Catholics needed to “step on his neck and crush the life out of him.” Afterwards, he apologized for the inflammatory remarks. “I just want to say that I am very sorry for the comments I made yesterday about Satan,” Pope Benedict said in a statement released yesterday. “I realize that they were inappropriate. I certainly had no intention of being offensive or placing anyone in a bad light, but sometimes I allow my emotions to get the best of me. For that I am sorry. Nobody has more respect for Satan than me.” As part of his punishment, the Pope will be required to attend sensitivity training and apologize to the world’s Satanists. |
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Yankees owner George Steinbrenner was furious yesterday after being hit with a $75 luxury tax during a game of Monopoly. It was the second time in a month that Steinbrenner was forced to pay such a tax, the first being the $30,637,531 he handed to major league baseball in April. While the latest payment is considerably less, Steinbrenner was frustrated over his bad luck. “Again? Another goddamn luxury tax?” Steinbrenner exclaimed after his thimble landed on the luxury tax space on the Monopoly board. “This is the second goddamn time in a month. I can’t keep shelling out all this money. It’s especially unfair because I just got 10 bucks for winning second prize in a beauty contest. There goes that money.” |
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NASCAR’s diversity committee held some kind of meeting at their Daytona Beach headquarters yesterday in an attempt to look busy. The meeting, headed by director Tish Sheets, took place in a conference room at a long with a tray of bagels and cream cheese placed directly in the center. Afterward, Tish would not reveal what was discussed, instead saying that the committee was “extremely busy.” “We’ve got a lot going on right now,” she said. “We’re working on lots of initiatives to do some stuff about diversity issues. We spent a lot of time in that meeting eating bagels, drinking coffee, and discussing, you know, initiatives and shit. We’re busy, OK? Jesus, do I come to your work and ask what you’ve been doing all day?” |
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