LOS ANGELES--Despite the fact that it has been out of fashion for over a decade, Best Damn Sports Show Period fans are still doing that barking thing made famous on the Arsenio Hall Show in the early 90’s. During a typical broadcast, the “woof-woof” noise can be heard several times, even though it was considered passe around 1992. Tom Arnold, the show’s host, credits the fans for being so unique.
“I love the fact that our fans do that barking thing,” said Arnold. “You won’t hear that anywhere else but on our show. That’s because our audience isn’t just content with cheering and clapping like those stuffed shirts on Leno or Letterman. We’re kind of a rowdy, devil-may-care bunch. We take it to another level and bark like dogs. Who cares if it’s been out of style for 15 years? I’ve been out of style for 15 years and people still watch me.”
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PHOENIX--According to sources in the commissioner’s office, league officials are concerned that the NBA playoffs may be interupted by the next ice age. An NBA postseason normally lasts around 8 million years, and coincedentally, the next ice age is expected to occur in 8 million years. When reached for comment, David Stern played down the issue.“It’s really a longshot for the next ice age to occur before the end of the playoffs,” he said. “We’ve done the math, and we think we’re pretty safe. The next ice age is actually supposed to occur in about 8.2 million years. That being said, we may start to feel a little chilly if the last round goes a full seven games.”
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TIKRIT, IRAQ--After a few months of scuffling, the Iraqi insurgents are starting to get their swagger back, say US officials. The insurgents have launched dozens of attacks in the past few weeks, killing hundreds of people. One of the leaders of the insurgency, Ibrahim al-Duleimi, said that the terrorists are starting to regain their confidence. “We’re definitely starting to come around. For a while there we were just pressing,” said al-Duleimi, clad in a black mask and clutching an automatic rifle. “Sometimes you try to do too much out there. We were out of synch, but we just kept our composure and worked though it. I said it before: This terror group is too good to be performing the way we were. Eventually we were going to get back on track. Now we just have to stay focused so we can drive the infidel pigs from our land.”
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WASHINGTON, DC--Two years after retiring from basketball, hall of famer Michael Jordan called his former teammate, Kwame Brown, to remind him once again that he sucks. Jordan drafted Brown with the number one pick in 2001 and spent the next few seasons ridiculing him in order to toughen him up. He left a rambling message on Brown’s cell phone late last night reiterating his position. “Kwame, you suck. You’re worthless,” said Jordan. “Look at you. You’re a dipshit. You can’t shoot, you can’t rebound, you can’t defend, is there anything you can do other than stand there and look stupid? I hope you take this message to heart and use it as motivation to get better. Because once again, let me state unequivicolly that you are a piece of shit. And your hair looks gay, too. And I don’t like your sneakers.”
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NEW YORK--MLB Commissioner Bud Selig announced a bold new initiative to eliminate bench clearing brawls from baseball: Starting in 2006, all benches will be removed from the league’s dugouts. “We are happy to say that the scourge of bench clearing brawls has been eliminated from our sport forever,” Selig said in a statement released today. “No longer will we be forced to watch our players clear the benches every time there is a hit batter. For we are eliminating all our benches. Isn’t that clever? That just shows a real commitment on our part to think outside the box. Baseball has a rich history of missing the point entirely, and we are upholding that tradition with this new initiative.” Selig also announced the league will eliminate steroid testing in order reduce the amount of positive steroid tests.
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WINCHESTER, VA--Jay Phipps, local insomniac, was cured by a little league game last Sunday. Phipps had slept a total of 4 hours in the past 10 days before attending his 9-year-old son’s game, which promptly cured him of his condition.“It’s a miracle!” said Phipps, 41. “I haven’t slept in days. I didn’t think I would ever sleep again. Then I came to my son Jared’s game. I think it was the third inning and the score was 18-12. I had just finished watching the pitcher walk nine consecutive batters when all of a sudden I felt myself getting drowsy. Next thing I knew I woke up under the bleachers with drool all over my shirt. If they could put this shit into pill form, nobody would ever have trouble sleeping again.”
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INDIANAPOLIS —Danica Patrick, the only female driver racing in next week’s Indianapolis 500, endured yet another pole-sitting joke yesterday during a press conference at Indianapolis motor speedway. The joke was heard after a reporter asked a question that contained the phrase “pole-sitter.” “Hey honey, I got a pole for you to sit on right here!,” screamed an unidentified heckler. “Hey, why don’t you forget about that stupid race and come over to my place and sit on my pole.” The incident marked the 3,456 th time Patrick was subjected to a pole-sitting joke since qualifying for the Indianapolis 500.
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SPRINGFIELD , MO —Rick Ankiel, former St Louis Cardinals pitcher and current minor league outfielder, took out three teammates with a batting practice swing yesterday. Ankiel was forced to switch to the outfield after battling control problems on the pitcher’s mound, but sadly, that wildness seems to have followed him to the batter’s box. “We were just standing there watching him bat when all of a sudden he took this crazy swing,” said second baseman Will Hunter. “He twirled around like a top and nailed 3 of us in the process. Then the bat slipped out of his hands and flew into the stands. I actually feel kind of bad for him, though. It’s tough when you’re that wild. If you ask me, he’s just thinking too much. Oh shit. Here he comes. He’s got a bat in his hands. Take cover!”
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SILVIS , ILL —The PGA has given the go ahead to offer a sponsor’s exemption to 18-year-old female tennis player Maria Sharapova. Sharapova has been invited to play at the John Deere classic by Carl Peterson, the director of the event. She has also received the blessing of every male golfer on the tour. “We decided it would be great for golf, and for us, to let Maria play in this tournament,” said Peterson. “We all think it’s a great idea. She’s an extremely talented tennis player and it makes sense that those talents would translate onto the golf course. This just shows a real commitment to diversity on our part. This is a great day for the PGA. Woohooo!”
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WASHINGTON , DC —The Government Reform Committee subpoenaed NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue to discuss the urgent issue of offensive NFL training camp videos. Senator John McCain (R-AZ) and the 12-member committee grilled Tagliabue on the recent San Francisco 49er training video which included graphic sexual scenes and racial stereotypes. McCain called on the commissioners of all four major sports to “eradicate this problem from the American sports landscape for good.” “Clearly offensive NFL training camp videos are a cancer on our society that must be eliminated,” said McCain. “As congress it’s our job to address issues that are of vital importance to the well being of our nation. We did it with steroids and now we’re doing it with dirty NFL training videos. Eventually we might get around to social security and health care.”
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FROMENTINE , FRANCE —The announcement of Lance Armstrong’s retirement has left a void in the hearts of France ’s cycling fans. Without the legendary American competing in the race, who will they boo, heckle, and spit on? “Oh, Lance, we will miss you,” said Jean-Paul Garin, avid cycling fan who has been a spectator at the last ten Tours. “Who will amaze us with his record breaking performances? Who will overcome seemingly insurmountable odds to win race after race? Who will be the subject of rampant steroid speculation and our rabid anti-Americanism? In short, who will we spit on?” Tyler Hamilton, Armstrong’s teammate, is said to be the most likely candidate to replace him. Starting in 2006, he will ride with a protective shield over his face.
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OAKLAND , CA —Hank Pattell, 36, of Berkeley , CA finally achieved his lifelong dream of running onto the field during a baseball game and being pummeled by security guards. Pattell realized his ambition during last Saturday’s A’s-Rangers game at McAfee Coliseum. During the third inning, he left his bleacher seat and heroically charged into the outfield. After running around in circles for approximately 8 seconds, he was set upon by 6 security guards, who viciously beat him within an inch of his life. “Whoa that was awesome!” exclaimed Pattell from his hospital bed, where he is recovering from a broken fibula, four broken ribs, and fractured vertebrae. “I bet everyone in America was cheering for me as I defied security and ran out there onto the field. I’m a hero! And the experience would not have been complete without the obligatory ass-kicking from security. They did a great job, and I’m sure I’ll regain movement in my arms and legs some day, despite what the doctors say.”
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CHICAGO —The Boston Red Sox visited Chicago ’s Wrigley Field for the first time since 1918 last weekend. The hotly anticipated matchup lived up to the hype for an entire inning before it devolved into just another game between two major league baseball teams. Fans who were at the game were largely unmoved. “Wow, the Boston Red Sox came to town. It’s been a while since that happened,” said Bill Largaquist, 43. “When they first took the field I was like ‘Whoa, it’s the Red Sox.’ Then after the first inning it just felt like a regular game. Actually one of their starting pitchers, Matt Clement, was on our team last year. It wasn’t like they were from another planet or something. It’s just a bunch of baseball players.” He added: “So, when are the Cardinals coming to town again?”
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BRISTOL , CT —For the past two months, ESPN has dedicated itself to covering every possible aspect of the NBA finals. No stone has been left unturned in their quest for total blanket coverage. Unfortunately, the finals will end someday, and when that happens ESPN will have no choice but to close up shop. “It’s kind of hard to imagine life without the NBA postseason,” said Dave Clossen, vice president of ESPN. “I don’t know what we did without it. What did we do? Does anyone remember? I have vague recollections of other sports, but nothing concrete comes to mind. But it doesn’t matter. It’s a no-brainer. We’ve got to close up shop when this is all over. It’s been a great ride, though. I just hope we were thorough enough in our coverage. I’d hate to think the tiniest sliver of meaningless trivia went unmentioned.”
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