LOS ANGELES--When the NBA introduced its newly designed official basketballs this year, they were greeted with a chorus of complaints from players who felt it was inferior to the traditional ball and would negatively affect play. In response to the criticisms, the NBA has equipped all of the new balls with an invisible mechanism that will electrocute players who complain about it. Several players were electrocuted during last night’s games. “Man this ball sucks,” the Clippers Sam Cassell said during a time out. “It doesn’t really absorb sweat very – AAAHHH! FUCK! Shit! Stop! Please! Okay, okay. Oh my God that was painful. I was just trying to say that the ball doesn’t – AAAAARGHHH Stop stop stop! It’s fine. This ball is fine. There’s nothing wrong with it. I mean, it’s not perfect, but AAAAHHH! Okay, it’s perfect!. It’s great. It’s the greatest ball in the history of balls. That being said, I must say that the officiating in this game has been an abomination AAAAAHHHH! What the…? I thought that was only supposed to happen when I complained about the AAARRGH! Okay, I get it. I’ll just stop talking altogether.”
ST LOUIS--Wentworth Miller, star of the hit Fox TV show Prison Break, has been penciled in to start Game 4 of the World Series for the St Louis Cardinals, replacing original starter, Jeff Suppan. Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa said he had “no control” over the strange decision. “Nothing I can do about it,” LaRussa said. “I just got called to a meeting with Commissioner Selig and some Fox executives and they said Wentworth Miller of Prison Break was my Game 4 starter. I guess it’s some kind of promotional thing. I asked if he could just come out and throw the first pitch, but they said that wasn’t enough. They need to raise awareness about their fall lineup. Makes sense, I guess. I just hope the guy can find the plate. Luckily, the Tigers will swing at anything.” LaRussa also revealed that during the seventh inning stretch, “God Bless America” will be sung by the dog from Family Guy.
BLOOMINGTON, IN--World leaders were stunned on Friday when singer John Mellencamp and the Chevrolet company announced that they were planning to invade Iran in order to “protect good old fashioned American values,” and get the word out about the new 2006 Chevrolet Silverado. “America is the land of pick-up truck driving and shoveling things and wearing muddy boots, but most of all, we’re a land of freedom,” said spokesman Andrew Miller. “As a company that’s synonymous with America and all she stands for, we feel it’s our duty stand up and fight, with the help of pop singer John Mellencamp. We’re going to roll into Tehran with our fleet of rugged Chevy Silveradoes and show those towel heads what American folks can do when we pull together. Then we’re gonna get together around a campfire with our cowboy hats on, eat some steak, and listen to John sing that song over and over again, which should drive the remainder of the Iranians to suicide, if they have any taste in music.” Miller said after the Iranians are taken care of, Chevy and John Mellencamp would return to America to “show those immigrants what an honest day’s work looks like.”
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MADISON, WI--Fans attending last Saturday’s game between Wisconsin and Penn State at Camp Randall Stadium were treated to a rare, kick-ass version of the Black Sabbath classic “War Pigs” performed by the Wisconsin marching band. Unfortunately, most fans were not paying attention and failed to notice the song, which was painstakingly practiced all week. “We were so excited about playing ‘War Pigs,’ but the fans were pretty much oblivious,” said Kate Werstrom, clarinet player. “We practiced it, like, all week, and we figured it would be a real treat for fans to hear a song that’s not usually performed by a marching band. I mean, Black Sabbath? That’s crazy. I thought people would be like ‘Holy shit! It’s War Pigs!’ Instead they just stood there. Whatever. You try to entertain people, to broaden their horizons a little, and this is what you get. It reminds me of a couple weeks ago when we played ‘On Wisconsin’ in a totally different key and nobody noticed.”
WASHINGTON, DC--In a recent interview with the Washington Post, free agent outfielder Alfonso Soriano said he was “exhausted” following his grueling contract year, in which he tried extra hard in order to impress potential suitors. Soriano hoped to get a new deal soon so he could start taking it easy again. “It was a long, difficult, grueling year for me,” Soriano told the post. “I played hard every single game and never made any excuses. I worked tirelessly on my hitting mechanics and did extra work in the outfield, and even stayed up late scouting the next day’s pitchers. It’s going to be all worthwhile, though, when I get my big contract. Oh, I can’t wait. Next year I am going to kick my feet back and take it easy. Of course, before you know it, it will be a contract year again and I’ll be busting my tail for another 162 games. Man, I am already dreading that.” On Monday, Soriano’s agent released a statement saying that his client was joking and planned to give 110 percent to whichever team signs him.
TAMPA--Brad Richards, center for the Tampa Bay Lighting, raised some eyebrows today when he “guaranteed” he would win the Lady Byng trophy this year. The trophy, which is awarded to the player who shows the most gentlemanly conduct on the ice, was given to Richards in 2004, and he’s confident that 2006 will see a repeat performance. “I’m taking that Lady Byng trophy again this year,” Richards confidently declared in a press conference today. “That’s right. I said it. Write it down if you want. Nobody else can hang with me when it comes to gentlemanly-ness. I’m the best there is. I’m like a boy scout out there – no, a girl scout. I’ll be bringing cookies to the opposing team. I’ll hug and kiss those motherfuckers when they score a goal against me. Hell, I’ll let them bang my wife. I don’t care. I’m just focused on that hot piece of ass known as Lady Byng. Any of you fuckers wanna challenge me?”
BOSTON--In an effort to restore some of the dignity and tradition to their once-great franchise, the Boston Celtics have unveiled a sassy, sexy new dance team. “This is something we’ve been wanting to do for a long time in order to bring this franchise back to respectability,” said Grousbeck. “Until this year, we were the only team in the league without a dance team. I think that’s one of the reasons our attendance has lagged so much. Well, now people have a reason to pay $70 for tickets: the Celtics Dancers! Look at them go! They’re so pretty! They make coming to a Celtics game as exciting as going to a strip club where the girls don’t take off all their clothes and you have to spend most of the night watching a bad basketball team.”
E RUTHERFORD, NJ--New Jersey Devils center Travis Zajac declared today that he plans to pursue a career in acting after appearing in a local television commercial for Dunkin Donuts. “I think I’m going to give this acting thing a try,” said Zajac, a rookie. “I really enjoyed biting that donut in front of the camera and reciting my line ‘Mmmm. That’s better than a clean fast break.’ It felt very easy and natural. I’m even signed up to do two other commercials. I’ve started taking acting classes, too, and my acting coach said I have the skills of a wooden post, which I guess that means I’m sturdy and consistent. It’s compliments like that that can really give you the acting bug.”
BOSTON, MA--A complex new baseball statistic created by famed statistician Bill James can calculate the exact date of a player’s death, according to the website Baseballprospectus.com. The innovative new stat combines the players’ date of birth with his on base percentage, blood type, health history, years playing baseball, and career batting average, and forecasts his date of death with 93 percent accuracy. “It’s something I’ve been working on for the past few years,” James said. “I tried a whole bunch of different formulas, but I finally got it right. I can pretty much tell the exact date of a player’s death, with a startling degree of accuracy. Here, let me give you some examples: Derek Jeter? July 3, 2057. Albert Pujols? April 18, 2063. Barry Bonds? February 8, 2050. Those are a few of the ones I can mention. As for Carlos Beltran, Darin Erstad, Jason Giambi, and Jon Garland: I would repent immediately. And Craig Biggio, I wouldn’t even get out of bed today if I were you.”
DENVER--Following Sunday night’s game between the San Diego Chargers and Denver Broncos at Denver’s Mile High Stadium, approximately 47,000 drunk drivers exited the stadium parking lot. Police offer Ron Corning, who was on traffic detail, observed the drunk drivers as they ventured out into the city streets. “Drunk driver, drunk driver, drunk driver, drunk driver,” Corning mumbled as he directed each car out of the lot. “Wow, this guy just puked out his window. Drunk driver, drunk driver – here’s a guy who’s passed out. Wake up, buddy! Time to go! Drunk driver, drunk driver, drunk driver. Thank God we don’t enforce them on Sunday’s. Nobody would even show up for the games. In fact, if drunk driving laws were really enforced, NFL attendance would plummet to about zero. Drunk driver, drunk driver – Hey! At least stop waving your beer around in my face, asshole!”
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