Greyhound Bitterly Disappointed After Finally Catching Mechanical Rabbit

JACKSONVILLE, FL-- “Aladdin,” a greyhound that races at the Jacksonville Dogtrack in Jacksonville, Florida, was bitterly disappointed when he finally caught the rabbit he’s been chasing all these years and discovered it was mechanical. The rabbit was caught when it got stuck on the track, leaving it a sitting duck for the pursuing greyhounds.

“Boy do I feel stupid,” said the greyhound. “I feel like such a fool. I’ve completely wasted my life chasing around this fucking mechanical rabbit.”

Aladdin had been running at the Jacksonville track for many years and chasing various mechanical animals along the way. The notion that they all may have been fake was a huge blow to him and the other dogs. Many of them paused to ponder the meanings of their lives, and wondered what the future would be like with no animals to chase.

“All my life I’ve been chasing this rabbit around thinking someday I’d be able to catch it and have a damn good meal,” Alladin said. “I became obsessed with it. I admit it. It was unhealthy, but that rabbit represented something to me. And now, to find out it wasn’t even a real rabbit after all, well that’s just devastating.”

According to witnesses, upon catching the rabbit, Aladdin immediately wrapped his large jaws around its head, only to suffer three broken teeth on the hard plastic surface.

“Look, I lost three teeth. See? I thought I was gonna bite down and feel his soft, tender skull melt in my mouth. Instead I almost gagged on it. Now that was a rude awakening”

The stunning turn of events has turned the dog-racing world on its collective ear, causing many greyhounds to question the very purpose of their existence. It is not known whether the general malaise that has fallen on the greyhound community will effect the way the dogs run or the way the sport is conducted. One bettor says that the discovery by Aladdin changes everything.

“Now that he knows the rabbit’s mechanical,” said Ralph Nordstrom, veteran greyhound bettor, “there’s no way I’m putting money on him. His heart's not in it anymore. But this could be a boon to people like me. All I have to do is figure out which dogs still think it's real, and throw some money down on them.We just have to make sure the secret is contained.”

Indeed, there are more dark colds on the horizon for certain dogs. Those who “know too much” may be targeted for punishments aimed at keeping the sport’s dirty little secret.

Says Franklin Hobert, head of the Greyhound Racing Commission of America: “I hate to do it, but we may have to put the bastards to sleep. I mean, if this thing gets out, how are we gonna get these dogs to run? Would you chase after a mechanical rabbit? I think not. I don’t wanna do anything rash right now, but we’re keeping all our options on the table.”

As for Aladdin, all that’s left for him is to ponder what might have been.

“What a waste all these years have been,” he said. “I hate to get all philosophical, but Shakespeare was right. Life really is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. What could I have done with all those years had I not wasted them running around this damn track? God only knows.”

His trainer, Bob Pratt, scoffs at the notion of Aladdin’s so-called ‘wasted life.’

“Wasted Life? What else was he gonna do, go to college? I’ll tell you what he would’ve been doing had he found out early on: he would’ve been racing anyway. It's either race or get shot. That’s what he was bred for. But no matter. We’ve got a million dogs just like him, and if he refuses to run, we can breed another dozen or so to take his place.”

But don’t tell that to Aladdin. Now that he knows the truth, he insists that this dog will have his day.

“I’m not going to keep chasing plastic bunnies for the rest of my life,” he said. “There are real bunnies out there, waiting to be eaten. I’m 7 years old now. That’s 49 in dog years. It’s time I started to live a little.”