BOULDER, CO--Walt Weiss, former teammate of Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire, is wondering why nobody on the team introduced him to steroids back in the early 90’s. The shortstop with the slight build and a paltry 25 career home runs could have used an edge, but was left out of the loop, leaving him scratching his head and asking “Why?”

“I don’t get it. I’m hearing all this stuff about steroids being done in the clubhouse, and apparently it was all done behind my back,” said Weiss, who retired from baseball in 2000. “Look at me. I’m tiny. I remember being envious of those guys for hitting all those home runs. I guess they just didn’t want to spread the word around that they were doing steroids. I can understand that. Still, it hurts to know that while I was sweating my ass off fielding grounders, they were in the clubhouse pulling each other’s pants down and jamming needles into their asses.”

Weiss hit a total of 8 home runs in his 6 seasons with the A’s, while his teammates were bulking up and hitting homers at a record pace. Now that the lid is blown off the steroid use, Weiss is demanding answers from both Canseco and McGwire.

“I would like to sit down with those guys, especially Canseco,” Weiss said. “Oh, I hear him on 60 Minutes talking about how rampant steroid use was back then, but did anyone let me in on the secret? No, I was the dependable little pussy-boy shortstop who was good for a bloop single every now and again. Oh, I was a scrappy little fella, but they were the Bash Brothers. I’m telling you, this steroid scandal will not die, my friend, not until I find out why the hell I wasn’t involved.”

While McGwire, Canseco, Ivan Rodriguez, and Rafael Palmeiro are enjoying time in the spotlight, Weiss is living in relative obscurity with his wife and 3 children in Colorado. What pains Weiss most is that Canseco shared his secret with so many teammates but left him out of the loop.

“What did I ever do wrong to the guy?” he asked. “Sure, we weren’t the best of friends, but the relationship was certainly cordial. We actually went to dinner together a few times. I remember once we were at a restaurant after a spring training game, and he was talking to me, and as I was watching him speak his head grew every so slightly. I’m not kidding. I could see it expand with my own two eyes. When I asked him about it, he just said his hat was too small. You’d think, at that point, he could’ve told me. But no, I had to sit there and twist in the wind with my tiny, puny little dork head.”

Former A’s manager Tony LaRussa has publicly stated that none of his players ever used steroids. He vehemently denied Canseco’s allegations that illegal drugs were rampant in the A’s clubhouse. When questioned about Weiss, LaRussa was even more adamant.

“Weiss? Walt-fucking-Weiss?” LaRussa laughed. “Ha. Yea, right. Walt used a ton of steroids. You can tell by the way he hit those dribblers up the middle. Woo, lots of brute power there. Seriously, though, Walt was way too much of a pussy to use steroids. He used to cry when he got a cortisone shot, for God’s sake. Steroids were for the big boys. I mean, they would be for the big boys, had they used them, which they didn’t. I hope I’m being clear on this subject.”

LaRussa also noted that steroids are illegal, and that Weiss should be proud of never having tried them.

“I’m surprised he’s so upset,” he said. “You’d think he’d be happy that his name isn’t being dragged through the mud right now. He should just take pride in the fact that everything he accomplished was done without the assistance of performance enhancing drugs. He hit all 200 of his dingers with his own power. What? 25? He had 25 for his whole career? Holy shit, what a waste of time. If I was him I would’ve demanded McGwire share some of his shit—that is, if he was indeed doing it, which he wasn’t”

The current media firestorm over the steroid allegations has left Weiss wondering what his career would have been like had he been exposed to the drugs. The former shortstop often fantasizes about being a bulked-up Neanderthal with an over-sized head and shrunken testicles. But sadly, that dream will never come true.

This article is satire and is not intended as actual news. Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission