CHICAGO--In an informal poll of Major League ballplayers conducted by Sports Illustrated, Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood was voted the player most likely to have a surgical procedure named after him. Players cited his recent knee surgery as well as his two shoulder surgeries as reasons why he was the most likely candidate to be immortalized in surgery.

Cubs manager Dusty Baker agreed with the results of the poll.

“Yes, definitely. Kerry would’ve been my choice, too,” said Baker, who has been frustrated by Woods’ frequent trips to the disabled list. “I can definitely see Kerry up there in the pantheon with Tommy John. Someday in the future, when a player has his arm sawed off and replaced by a metal rod with a baseball-gripping claw at the end of it, they’ll say they had Kerry Wood surgery.”

Wood has already had Tommy John Surgery, arthroscopic shoulder surgery, and knee surgery. What does the future hold for Wood? Probably more surgery, says Baker.

“Once the cycle starts it’s hard to stop it,” he said. “You start favoring your bad knee, then the next thing you know your other knee starts to feel the strain. You have a bum shoulder, next thing you know you’ve got a sore elbow. And so on. I see Kerry having a few more surgeries when all is said and done. He’s not settling for just three. He knows he hasn’t accomplished anything until he has a procedure named after him.”

Despite the knee surgery, Wood is expected to be ready this year by May 1. Of course a lot can happen between now and then.

“We’re holding out breath, hoping he can be back by May,” said Cubs GM Jim Hendry, who has watched his team’s fortunes rise and fall on the health of Wood and Mark Prior. “It’s such a long time from now. It’s like an eternity. If he can make it from now until May 1 with only 3 or 4 minor surgeries in between, we’ll consider it a blessing. But we’re not getting our hopes up.”

Prior also has a problem with injuries. He, too, is expected to miss the start of the season once again.

“Combined, they’ve been one effective pitcher the past few years,” said Hendry. “OK, I’m being a wise ass. It’s just that these guys miss a lot of games due to injury and when they are pitching they’re either recovering or getting sore again. It just never ends. Sometimes I wish they would both just have career-ending injuries and get it over with.”

Prior and Wood, however, have no plans to pack it in. Both pitchers have worked extremely hard in the offseason and plan to make significant contributions this year.

“I’ve had a setback with the knee thing, but that’s not a big deal,” said Wood. “I’m throwing great right now and I plan to return in May. That means I’d only miss one month. That’s nothing, for me. I could miss a month standing on my head. The important thing is I come back in time to drive up my asking price for my next contract. Once I sign that, it won’t even matter if I get injured.”

Woods also admitted it would be “kind of cool” to have a surgery named after him.

“There’s definitely an appeal to that. It would make me a household name. Everybody knows who Tommy John is right now. I think if my shoulder doesn’t get better they might have to invent some new kind of surgery for me, maybe something that replaces your rotator cuff with some kind of space age gizmo. And maybe, just maybe, my trademark surgery will help other pitchers avoid the kind of injuries problems I’ve had. Hell if they develop it fast enough, they can use it on Mark Prior.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.