If you asked a scientist to build a prototypical quarterback of the future, he would come up with JaMarcus Russell. This guy eats Peyton Manning and shits Tom Brady. He once threw a pass 400 yards from on his back while wearing mittens. Still, I expect him to be a major disappointment.

Jon Kitna threw a lot of interceptions last year as a result of bad protection. With Joe Thomas on board, expect him to throw them out of stupidity.

The Ravens were planning to take this guy at 29, so the Browns will pull the rug out from under them by taking him here. Checkmate!

It’s between Calvin Johnson and a long snapper. If they go with Calvin Johnson and lose the Super Bowl on a botched snap, it could go down as one of the biggest draft blunders in history.

The Cardinals hired a nobody head coach, so they might as well draft a nobody as well. This guard will at least provide Edgerrin James with another huge target to barrel into before falling on his face.

The Redskins haven’t had a lot of practice in the draft lately, so someone needs to remind them they need to draft the guy first and then sign him, rather than sign every guy and then pick one.

Last year in the first round, the Vikings selected Busty McBustington, Chad Greenway. This year expect them to be more cautious and pick up a safety, because only a retard could fuck up the safety position.

Last year David Carr threw fewer interceptions, had a higher completion percentage, and still somehow managed to be completely ineffective. Look for the Texans to draft a receiver here for him to throw to when his tailback is covered.

Staley is the kind of player who plays all the way to the whistle, which is good because too many of their guys last year were stopping halfway through the play and jogging to the locker room. That’s why they had such lousy protection.

This lineman will provide additional protection for Mike Vick, which is the last thing he needs, since he’s at his best when he’s running for his life. That’s why the Falcons are praying the guy will be a bust.

Alan Branch is a defensive tackle. The 49ers employ defensive tackles on their defense. This is a no brainer.

The Bills desperatly need a running back but there are no good ones available. I suggest they trade down a spot and see if there are any there.

Scott Linehan really changed the culture in the Rams locker room last year. Too bad he couldn’t change the culture on the field. Decent offense, embarrassing defense. Sound familiar? The Rams essentially switched coaches so they could save a few time outs.

The Panthers offense made a lot of plays last year, and most of them were bad. This guy should change all that, provided they replace all the other offensive players and opposing defenders don't wear helmets.

New coach Mike Tomlin is going to stick with the 4-3 (or is it 3-4?) which means they’ll need an inside linebacker or something. Honestly, I haven’t done much research on this. Call Football Outsiders if you want a frigging algorithm. All I know is their defense blew last year.

The Packers should pick up an inside linebacker here because the Steelers are taking an inside linebacker and they seem to know what they’re doing.

The Jaguars will address a need here at the third string quarterback position. This guy was a second string quarterback in college, so the transition should be easy for him.

The Bengals continue to draft for defense, but their defense keeps getting worse. This year will bring an unexpected shift when they draft for offense and their defense gets worse.

If quarterbacks were evaluated solely on passing yards (like in the olden days), Vince Young would have been considered one of the worst quarterbacks in the NFL last year. Luckily, quarterbacking appears to be based on your team’s won-loss record and the amount of times pundits say your name. Vince Young! There, that’s one MVP vote for next year.

The worst player in the draft. But Tom Coughlin should be able to coach him up to the second or third worst player before he gets fired in November.

They can pick anybody here because they really don't have any holes. Actually, when they pick this guy they’ll have a hole at linebacker.

They already have one safety who can smack people around, now they need one who can play defense. This guy's job will be to knock down passes so Roy Williams can injure people.

The Chiefs should select any receiver in college football and immediately make him their go-to guy. Also, make him their wide receiver coach.

Tom Brady is in some hot water having knocked up what’s-her-face. He should have known that sperm can sometimes create babies. Then again, she should have told him, so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

This is a perfect spot for the Jets to pick a running back. Even though they already have Thomas Jones, it would be funny to make him split carries with a rookie just to watch him go all apeshit.

This guy was born in Nigeria or something and has overcome a bunch of adversity which means he’ll be a good run stopper, I guess. I don’t know. If he’s so smart, what was he doing being born in Nigeria in the first place?

The Saints had a solid run defense last year but a lousy pass defense, so they should grab a safety or a cornerback here. This guy is a defensive lineman, though, so I don’t know what they’re thinking.

With Lawrence Maroney establishing himself as the featured back, the Patriots can now turn their attention to the offensive line. This lazy, worthless slab of beef won’t help one iota, but he’s the best player available so fuck it.

The Bills decided to go with no running back at all rather than keep Willis McGahee, which shows you what an amazing “coup” it was for the Ravens to get him. They should draft an offensive lineman here to give him more time to tap dance before being swarmed by defenders.

Meachem is a mature player with a very high football IQ, which means he’ll be tuning out Norv Turner by around Week 8 and leading an all-out locker room revolt by Week 14.

This guy may not be the top guy on the board, but he has certain qualities (he’s white) that would make him appealing (he’s white) on pretty much any team (white), including mine (I heart whites).

Holy shit. I forget all about this guy. Looks like the Colts get him.