The Panthers missed out on Andrew Luck this year when the star QB decided to return to school. But they should have the number one pick next year, and probably the year after that, too. You can't escape the Panthers, Andrew.

Newton is either going to be the next Michael Vick or the next JaMarcus Russell. It all depends on his appetite for pastry.

This pick confirms that the Aaron Maybin experiment is over. Maybin has recorded one sack in his career. Though in fairness, he could have two if he didn’t get thrown into the stands by Ben Roethlisberger.

With Carson Palmer on his way out, the Bengals will use this pick on a defensive tackle, because they’re just generally confused.

More than anything, the Cardinals need a quarterback controversy. That’s why they should draft Blaine Gabbard and start a controversy over whether Derek Anderson should be second or third string.

The Browns have another pick in the second round, so there’s no need to blow their load on this one.

First, John Harbaugh gets knocked out in the second round of the playoffs, then Jim Harbaugh gets hired to coach the 49ers. I guess it’s a bad year to be a Harbaugh.

Da’Quan Bowers is a talented but raw…wait a minute. Da’Quan? Who names these people? My spell check just got up and left the room.

Whoever the Cowboys take, I’m going to be okay with it. I just wanted them to know that.

If you're a Redskins fan, you've got to be excited about the coming year, which could feature no football at all.

This kid is a huge upgrade for the Texans at the cornerback spot. I’m not naming anyone specific because this would be true for any cornerback in the draft.

It looks like the Tarvaris Jackson experiment is over and the Jake Locker experiment is about to begin. I say the Vikings go all-wildcat and just start snapping the ball to whoever looks the least terrified.

Smith blew the scouts away by bench pressing 800 pounds at the Senior Bowl, all the more notable because you don’t usually bench press at the Senior Bowl.

Sam Bradford had a nice season last year, but he’ll get complacent unless they draft another quarterback and give him the starting job permanently.

Smith impressed scouts at the combine by running through a record 44 tires without tripping. Although in fairness, his coaches did tell him there were tires there and he should watch his step.

Green will almost certainly be taken before this but I figured I’d throw him to the Jaguars so they could have something to smile about this offseason.

The Patriots need somebody who can get to the quarterback. Considering the lack of quality pass rushers in this draft, expect them to select a tight end and convert him to a pass rusher by giving him a scarier face mask.

Peterson got a poor score on the wonderlic test but that’s not an indication of anything. Those tests are culturally biased anyway. They didn’t include one question about Wu-Tang Clan.

Boren was seen having dinner with Tom Coughlin over the weekend. Granted, he won that dinner in a raffle, but the fact that Coughlin didn't overturn the table in disgust is a positive sign.

Smith tested positive for drugs in college and was also arrested twice. You know what he needs? He needs Deion Sanders mentoring him. Then at least he’ll know how to arm tackle in the prison football games.

I know I’m going to get some hate mail for saying this, but I love Hitler. Just kidding! I was going to say the Chiefs are going to regress next year.

This kid has very little talent, but he’ll eat anything and should be a fun guy to have around the locker room.

Mike Vick had quite the resurgence last year, and I say good for him. Sure, he killed a bunch of pit bulls, but just think of all the defenseless squirrels he saved in the process.

The Saints faded at the end of last season due to poor conditioning. This kid does a shit-ton of steroids, plus he’s good at yelling inspirational slogans at people when they lift weights.

Amazing that this guy has fallen this far, but that just goes to show what can happen when I get drunk.

People named Julio rarely make it in football, but the Ravens will take a flyer on him anyway on the outside chance he changes his name.

The Falcons were weak against the run last year, especially towards the end of the season. This is where they miss Keith Brooking. White guys are generally pretty good against the run.

This is the part of the draft where things get really depressing. There are simply no good players left and all a team can do is hold its nose and select some warm bodies to beef up the depth chart. 

The Bears need to get fatter at the offensive line position and Solder is absolutely mountainous. If nothing else, defenders will waste a lot of energy brushing him aside and won't be able to sack Jay Cutler as hard.

The work stoppage could affect the Jets more than anyone else, because LaDainian Tomlinson only has a couple good years left. I mean of life. His football career ended 5 years ago.

The 31st pick is statistically the least successful pick in the draft, so the Steelers should trade this pick to the Ravens to sabotage their season.

This kid is a freak athlete but he’s extremely raw. He’s a bit of a project. He’s…okay he sucks.