SPRINGFIELD, PA--It’s football season again at James Madison High School in Springfield, Pennsylvania and players are preparing by studying the playbook, getting in shape, and brainstorming different things to shove up freshmen’s asses during the annual hazing ritual.
Quarterback Cody Daniels, 18, has been compiling a list of items since the end of last season.
“Candles, soda cans, rake handles, lava lamps, branches, fingers, whiffle bats, harmonicas,” Daniels began, “these are just a few of the ideas I’ve been working on. I’m really intrigued by harmonicas because if the victim farts it’ll make a sound. Just think of the possibilities. We could cram a harmonica up his ass and make him fart the national anthem or something. And the black kids could kneel down during it. Oh, this is gold. Let me write this down.”
According to Daniels, the varsity players are trying to move away from more traditional items such as broomsticks and soda bottles and into something more innovative.
“Broomsticks? We used them for years. Totally predictable, totally lame,” said Daniels. “Soda bottles, too. I had one shoved up my ass when I was a freshmen and I pretty much slept through it. There hasn’t been any real disruption in this space for years. This year’s freshmen players are going to be shocked by what we shove up their asses, and you know what? They’ll appreciate it. At least they’ll be able to tell their friends and family they had something interesting shoved up their ass, unlike me.”
The James Madison High School football hazing ritual goes back decades. Early versions had the victims singing embarrassing songs in the cafeteria or dressing in girls clothing. Later the victims were made to perform endurance activities such as running until they puked or doing one handed push-ups in the rain. In recent years the hazing has taken the form of homoerotic sexual humiliation. The purpose of this kind of treatment, say the players, is to test a freshman’s resolve and also fuck with the little turds.
“Standing there and allowing someone to put an object up your ass proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’re committed to the team,” said linebacker Deshaun Williams, 18. “It’s also fucking funny. I mean the look on their faces. I remember when I had it done to me, it was a broomstick, I screamed and screamed. I didn’t understand the humor in it. Now I finally understand: it’s funny when you’re doing it to someone else. Comedy really is subjective.”
When informed that the seniors were brainstorming innovative new ways to sodomize them with objects, several incoming freshman players were dismayed.
“Oh, God, they’re going to stick stuff up our asses?” asked one freshman who asked not to be identified. “Why? What is this fascination with sodomizing freshmen? All we want to do is play football. And for that I have to get a broomstick up my ass? Wait…excuse me? A harmonica? Damn, that is pretty creative I have to admit. Oh well. If nothing else at least I’ll have a great story to tell my grandkids.”
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