NEW YORK--Tour de France winner Floyd Landis explained today that his body naturally produces high levels of synthetic testosterone, after testing revealed the presence of the man made chemical in his urine sample. “Oh see, there is a really simple explanation for all this,” he said in a press conference Tuesday. “My body has always produced high levels of this synthetic testosterone. I don’t know why. I guess I’m just some kind of freak of nature. It’s possible that I come from an alien planet and was sent to earth as an infant where my parents found me and raised me like a real human boy. See, it makes perfect sense now, doesn’t it? It’s like they say: The simplest explanation is usually the correct one.”
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FOXBORO, MA--After several reporters spotted Tom Brady leaving practice yesterday with a jagged, bloody stump where his right arm used to be, Patriots coach Bill Belichick refused to say what was wrong with his quarterback and why his throwing arm had apparently been sawed off. “I’ll talk about guys who are here,” Belichick said curtly. “I’m not going to divulge information about guys who are missing. What’s that? Yes, I am aware of the reports that Tom’s right arm is missing and that it was spotted sticking out of a trash can in the parking lot. However, all I’m going to say is that he’s day-to-day. We have plenty of guys who are here, who are practicing, and who’s limbs are all attached and functioning properly. I don’t see why everybody has to obsess over one player and one limb. This is a team sport.”
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STATE COLLEGE, PA--Penn State football coach Joe Paterno announced today that he will delegate all head coaching duties to an assistant coach, defensive coordinator Tom Bradley. The move will allow Paterno to watch games from his living room while Bradley takes over the actual coaching responsibilities. Bradley called the move “a mere formality.” “Very little will change as far as the day to day operations of the team,” said Bradley. “We’ll have the same offense, the same defense, the same special teams, and the exact same playbook. Joe will still be the head coach of this team. He just won’t be doing anything other than watching the games and evaluating the team. He’ll report his findings to me, at which point I will pass them along to somebody who has time to read them.” With the new arrangement in place, Paterno said he now believes he can coach for 10 more years.
LAS VEGAS, NV--Robbie Farnsworth, 12, a third grader with dyslexia and ADD, won the World Series of Poker last night at Rio hotel-casino in Las Vegas. Farnsworth started playing poker just six months ago when he discovered the website Partypoker.net and parlayed that experience into a $12 million first prize. “I never even heard of poker until, like, this year,” said Farnsworth, who has been held back twice in the third grade. “Then I started playing and it was so fun that I decided to enter the World Series of Poker. I got a whole bunch of good cards and just tried to rememberize all the hands as best as I could. When I didn’t get good cards I just made pretend I did. It was easy! I even beat that Phil Hellmuth guy, who isn’t such a great player when he’s getting all those crappy cards.” Farnsworth says he plans to use the $12 million to build a roller coaster in his backyard.
TALLAHASSEE, FL--It’s college football season again, which means players are returning to the practice field, coaches are drawing up their games plans, and coeds are preparing to attend home games where they will be filmed by television cameras in their belly shirts and painted faces. “Hey, the football season’s coming up. I better go out and buy a bunch of belly shirts,” said 19-year-old Florida State student Trish Barnes. “Better yet, I can just buy a regular t-shirt and roll it up. Or I can just wear a bikini top and then maybe paint ‘FSU’ on my belly. Hee. I’m so cute. I guess that’s why I show up on TV every time there’s a game.” In addition, male college football fans are preparing for the season by practicing getting drunk, screaming, and foaming at the mouth.
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BRISTOL, CT--Coordinators of ESPN’s coverage of the Little League World Series were forced to tell curious 12-year-olds that Harold Reynolds, the color commentator who has been covering the event for years, was dead. Reynolds was fired from ESPN last month after being accused of sexual harassment, but the network didn’t want to divulge the information to the kids. “Sorry, kids, but Harold’s dead,” producer Carol Schumann told a group of horrified little leaguers. “He died in a mysterious accident. We don’t know too many details except that it was kind of gross and yucky and it’s best if we don’t even talk about it. Sometimes people die. Get used to it. Anyway, we have Joe Morgan now. See, there’s Joe. He’s about as humorless as an Islamic fundamentalist, but his knowledge of the game is unparalleled. And he doesn’t hug anybody inappropriately.”
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