NEW YORK--According to a source in the Yankee organization, pitching prospect Phillip Hughes is now so awesome he can bend metal with his mind. Hughes is the top prospect in the Yankee farm system and could be used as trade bait should the team opt to shore up it’s injury-plagued lineup. “Not only is Phillip the best pitching prospect I have ever seen,” said one Yankee scout, “he’s the best baseball player I’ve seen. The guy can bend metal with his mind. I saw it myself. He just took this metal shower curtain rod, held it up in front of his face, and stared at it until it slowly started bending in half. Of course, that was after a game in which he hit 112 on the radar gun. What a stud. We definitely shouldn’t trade this guy. No sir. Not unless we get blown away with a great offer.”
|
PHILADELPHIA--Former Phillies pitcher Billy Wagner lashed out against his old team on Monday when he said their uniforms were “gay and stupid.” The comments were the latest in a barrage of criticism Wagner has unleashed on the Phillies since signing with the Mets as a free agent. “You know what else I hate about the Phillies?” Wagner asked a group of reporters at his locker. “I hate their uniforms. Look at them. They’re so gay and stupid. I hate that red color and those dumb, ugly pinstripes, and that annoying ‘P.’ I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. I also hate the ballpark. Citizens Bank Park, my ass. That’s a horrible bank, too. I’d rather hide my money under my mattress.” Wagner also criticized the Liberty Bell, calling it “an old, cracked piece of shit that doesn’t even work anymore.”
|
BRISTOL, CT-- ESPN personality Trey Wingo, who has been working tirelessly to promote ESPN’s new mobile phone service recently, announced today that his heart was no longer in it and he was abandoning efforts to try and sell the gizmo to a disinterested public. “I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore,” said a weary, exhausted Wingo. “This thing – it’s just not that useful. I mean, who needs to take ESPN with them to a restaurant or to church? It’s not like you’re going to have some emergency when you desperately need to see today’s web gems. Plus it’s ESPN, which means it’s inherently annoying. If they really want to move some units, they should get rid of the ESPN content and just sell it as a phone. Then I might actually buy one myself.” Wingo will be replaced by Chris Berman, who could feign enthusiasm for a cinderblock if the price was right.
|
LOS ANGELES--Big E, corporate pitchman for Under Armour apparel, failed to protect his house Saturday night against armed burglars, who bound him with duct tape and stole thousands of dollars in cash and appliances. Afterwards, a frantic Big E managed to wiggle free and call the police. “I was just sitting there watching TV when all of a sudden these thugs kicked in the door,” he later recalled to reporters. “They had these ski masks on and were carrying knives. They told me to get on the floor and put my hands behind my back. Naturally I obeyed their orders, and they proceeded to ransack my house. I was so scared. They were so mean! What’s that? Yes. Yes, I’m the guy from the Under Armour commercial. Yes it’s me. Why are you laughing? It’s not funny. I could have been killed.” The following day Big E was relieved of his duties as Under Armour spokesman.
DAYTONA, FL--How would legendary race car driver Dale Earnhardt have handled the crisis in the Middle East? That’s the question being debated by NASCAR fans across the country in internet chat rooms and forums. Though no consensus has been reached, everyone agrees that he would have done the right thing. “Big E would’ve gone in there and mopped the floor with those Hezbollah assholes,” said DaleE3, a poster on the NASCAR.com fan forum. “He was aggressive, he was fearless, and he wasn’t afraid to pick a fight with anybody.” “I totally disagree, DaleE3,” replied HomeDepot20. “A lot of people forget that Dale was a very calculating, intelligent driver. I think he would have tried to use diplomacy when the soldiers were first kidnapped, and then hung back and waited for the terrorists to make their move. Once they did, he would react to that. He would make whatever adjustment was necessary. Either way the result would have been world peace.”
TAMPA, FL--According to Devil Rays sources, that dark blob on outfielder Carl Crawford’s neck is actually a tattoo and not some kind of skin disease. “Nope, that’s just a tattoo,” said teammate Rocco Baldelli. “I’m not exactly sure what it’s supposed to be and I’ve never bothered to ask, but it’s definitely a tattoo. I think it’s cool, personally. It makes him look really tough, you know? Like, what kind of weirdo freak would have the balls to draw a picture, permanently, on his neck? You have to really be brave and have an incredible lack of foresite to do something like that.” Baldelli did say he was considering a tattoo for himself, but only something small like a butterfly on his ankle.
NEW YORK--CNNSI.com’s John Donovan was beaten to death by a gang of baseball fans just days after releasing his latest power rankings, in which he inexplicably ranked the New York Mets at number 5. Afterward, one suspect said he was sorry for his actions, but said that didn’t excuse Donovan from what he did. “I don’t know what got into me. I just lost my head,” said 30-year-old Greg Lang, who was among a group of fans who confronted Donovan in a parking lot as he was leaving work. “We saw John walking out to his car and we were like ‘What were you thinking? The Mets at 5? They’re the best team in baseball! Or at the very least they’re in the top 3!’ Then he looked at us and had this smirk on his face, like he didn’t even care, like it was all a big joke. That set us off.” “What we did was inexcusable,” he added. “But what he did was wrong, too. Frankly, I don’t think any jury in the world will convict us.”
|
