CLEVELAND--In response to the unrelenting whining and protest over the exclusion of Cavaliers guard Mo Williams from the NBA all-star team, the NBA has finally decided to take action by placing Williams on the all-rookie team, which is “just as good” as being on the all-star team, according to commissioner David Stern. “We have heard the complaints regarding Mo’s all-star snub and we have decided to add him to the all-rookie team,” Stern said on the Dan Patrick Show. “It’s really a great opportunity for anyone and it’s just as good as being an all-star. It’s a real nice feather in your cap. Hopefully this will placate Mo and his teammates and they will return the favor by shutting the fuck up about it.”
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NEW YORK--A group of neurologists said today that they hope the NFL doesn’t do too much to alleviate concussions, claiming that they are an “inevitable part of football” and “all you can do is hire the best people treat them.” “I applaud the league’s efforts to get the concussion epidemic under control,” said Dr. Edward J Barrett, Chief Neurologist at University of California-San Francisco, “but let’s not go overboard here, okay? Do you really think you can prevent all concussions from happening in the football field? And if you could, what would become of us neurologists? I guess we can just go fuck ourselves. How about instead we team up to try and find the best way to treat these things and forget about trying to prevent them? This is the NFL, you know. These guys are getting paid millions of dollars. They can stand to have their heads bashed in every once in a while.”
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PHILADELPHIA--In an effort to alleviate what has become an incredibly awkward situation, the 76ers, now 12-8 without Elton Brand, will lose a couple games in order to make the $80 million forward better. “We’ve decided to pull together for Elton and lose a couple games,” said Sixers guard Louis Williams. “The poor guy must be so embarrassed. Every time he gets hurt we start playing championship ball. I would be walking around with a bag over my head if I was him. I wouldn’t even leave the house. But you know, he’s a great guy and a great player and he doesn’t deserve this. A brief, two game losing streak should make him feel a little better and hopefully tide him over to the end of the year when we collapse naturally.”
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TAMPA--On the heels of Joe Torre’s tell-all book about the Yankees, The Yankee Years, shortstop Derek Jeter has announced plans to write his own book chronicling the past 20 years of his life. Unfortunately, the intensely private Jeter says the book will avoid any mention of his time with the Yankees. “It’s just going to be a sort of chronicle of the my adult life up until now,” Jeter told reporters at spring training today. “You’ll hear a lot of stuff you never heard before, like what color socks I wear, how I prepare my dinner every night, and what television shows I would probably watch if I watched television. What’s that? No, no there won’t be any mention of the Yankees. I don’t like to talk about things that go in the clubhouse. That’s private. What’s that? No, I don’t expect to sell any copies of this book.”
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SEATTLE--Ken Griffey Jr. is finally coming home again. The 37-year-old future hall of famer has signed a one year deal to return to his original team, the Seattle Mariners, the only team that was interested in the creaky, brittle outfielder. “It’s a great feeling to be coming home again,” Griffey told the Seattle Post Intelligencer. “Seattle is the place that gave me my start and I have really fond memories of the years I spent there. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve really grown to appreciate everything the fans here did for me. Indeed, Seattle is a special place. Also, the Red Sox, Yankees, Angels, White Sox, Cubs, Dodgers, Mets, Diamondbacks, Padres, and Astros said they weren’t interested.”
INDIANAPOLIS--Offensive tackle Andre Smith, one of the top lineman in the draft, impressed scouts over the weekend by showing up grossly overweight to the scouting combine. Scouts said that Smith, who weighed in around 420 pounds, was the “perfect specimen” for a modern day offensive lineman. “Wow, look at that fat fuck. I’ve never seen anything quite like it,” said Bills offensive coordinator Turk Schonert. “Nobody would be able to get around that guy. They would just get lost in his midsection. I mean by any normal standards he would be considered morbidly obese and a serious health hazard, but for a modern day NFL offensive lineman he is the perfect specimen. Who cares if he’s going to be dead in 15 years? The average career of an offensive lineman is only about nine years anyway.”
WASHINGTON, DC-- Nationals GM Jim Bowden, currently being investigated by the FBI in connection with a scandal involving the skimming of signing bonuses, is actually a 23-year-old Dominican kid, says a source close to the investigation. “Bowden’s name is actually Pedro Morales,” said the source. “He’s 23-years old and from the Dominican Republic. He faked his name and age so he could become GM of the Nationals and start skimming signing bonuses meant for prospects from his country. The fact that he looks uncannily like a middle aged American didn’t hurt.” The source also revealed that Esmailyn Gonzalez, the Nationals draft pick who lied about his name and age, is actually a 48-year-old American named Jim Bowden.
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