PHOENIX--Cardinals receiver Larry Fitzgerald has some of the surest hands in the NFL, but that can be a mixed blessing, says Fitzgerald’s ex-girlfriend, Angela Lazario.
Lazario, mother of Fitzgerald’s child, was allegedly on the wrong end of those sure hands last October, when Fitzgerald “grabbed her head with both hands like a football” and threw her across the room.“Larry does have some excellent hands, but sometimes he uses them in the wrong way,” Lazario told a Phoenix news station on Monday. “Like when we had that big fight, he actually grabbed my head with his hands and threw me like a rag doll, or more accurately, a football. While his hands were wrapped around my head I really could sense what it was like to be a football and to have those sure hands clasped around you like vice grips. No wonder he never drops a pass!”
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CLEVELAND--Seemingly overnight, Lebron James' upper body has become a mass of indistnguishble tattoos, which can only mean one thing: somebody is telling him those things look good. “He must have somebody in his ear telling him those tats look great,” said a source close to the team. “Maybe it’s a chick, or a family member, or his agent telling him that the 18-25’s like tattoos. But whoever is doing it is doing ‘Bron a grave disservice. He used to look good. Now he looks like an incarcerated gang member. Oh, I know: we’re not supposed to stereotype these tattoo guys as criminals because most of them aren’t. How about we just stereotype them as people with unbelievable poor judgement?” On Monday, James announced he would get yet another tattoo after discovering a patch of bare skin on his elbow.
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NEW YORK--Tired of having his words used to fuel headlines and advance agendas of attention-seeking sportswriters, an oft-quoted anonymous source is starting his own blog in order to bypass the mainstream media. According to the source, he wants to get his trade rumors and gossip to the general public “without the middle man.” “I guess I was just tired of seeing these sportswriters take credit for ‘breaking a story’ when it was me providing all the juicy info,” the source reported. “Plus, I’m always being misquoted, but I’m never able to complain about it, because I’m supposed to be anonymous. That’s why I’m starting my own blog. I figure its better for the public to get their outrageous, bald-faced lies directly from the source rather than go through a middle man.”
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DENVER--Josh McDaniels, new head coach of the Denver Broncos, has yet to indicate any specific changes he plans to make to the team, but it’s a safe bet he’s looking to restore accountability and possibly even change the culture in the locker room, say his players. “Well I haven’t heard much from him personally,” said receiver Brandon Marshall. “But since he’s a new head coach, I’ll just go out on a limb and say he wants to restore accountability to the locker room. That’s what all new head coaches want to do. I’m not even sure what it means specifically. I think it means, like, people will be held personally responsible for what they do or something. Which is nice and all, but I think what we really need is a new defense. Otherwise we’re just going to be the world’s most accountable .500 team.”
CLEVELAND--NBA referee Scott Foster apologized on Monday after being spotted on tape pumping his fist in celebration following a Lebron James dunk over the Bobcats’ Adam Morrison. Foster explained he was just “caught up in the moment.” “I do wish to apologize for that gesture,” Foster told Dan Patrick. “You see, I was just caught up in the moment. Bron bron stole the ball, barrelled down the court with the force of a freight train, and threw that sledge hammer dunk down right in the face of that pussy, Adam Morrison. Yea! In the house! Wooo! I’m sorry. I’m sorry. There I go again. There’s just something about that guy that gets me a little crazy. It’s hard to remain objective sometimes. I didn’t even notice that he only dribbled once and ended the play by punching Morrison repeatedly in the groin.” Foster also said he “can’t wait” for the new issue of GQ with Lebron on the cover and that he plans to have him autograph it during a time out.
MIAMI--Timmy Stankowicz, winner of the Punt, Pass and Kick competition for the 12-14 age group, was arrested on Saturday night in connection with a shooting at Miami’s Mansion nightclub. Stankowicz, 13, was at the nightclub celebrating his victory in the national skills competition sponsored by the NFL. “Mr. Stankowicz’s entourage apparently had an encounter with another group of people,” said Sgt. Lance McCulloughs of the Miami police department. “Words were exchanged and club security came over and ordered Mr. Stankowicz’s group to exit the premises. Unfortunately, a member of the entourage returned, allegedly on orders from Stankowicz, and opened fire on the dance floor, sending six people to the hospital.” McCullough blamed the incident on “the culture in the NFL that says if you win the Punt, Pass and Kick competition you are above the law.”
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NORMAN, OK--Oklahoma QB Sam Bradford, who decided to return to school this year for fear of being drafted by the Detroit Lions, is still paranoid that the Lions might somehow find a way to draft him. While Bradford knows the fear is irrational, the Heisman trophy winner simply can’t shake it. “Even though I’m not even entering the draft this year, I still have this irrational fear that the Lions are doing to draft me,” Bradford said. “It’s like I’m going to wake up in the middle of a night to a phone call saying ‘Congratulations. You’re now a Detroit Lion.’ Or they’re going to find some loophole in the rules that will enable them to draft me even though I’m still in school. I don’t know. I guess this will wear off eventually, but right now I’m just a little skittish. Ah! What was that? What was that noise? Oh, it was just the wind. I thought for a second it was the Lions coming for me.”
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NEW YORK--Following an NFL season in which two 9-7 teams made the playoffs while an 11-5 team was forced to sit out, fans and media are calling for changes to the league’s playoff format. The most popular suggestion is for BCS-style ranking system to replace the outdated division-based seeding format. “We cannot have mediocre teams getting into the playoffs while quality teams are shut out,” said SI.com writer Andrew Perloff. “That is ridiculous and it renders the regular season pretty much meaningles. What we need is a playoff system that will reward teams that have statically superior seasons, rather than rewarding teams for playing in weak divisions. We need one of those BCS style tournaments that the colleges use. Those guys seem to have it figured out.”
GLENDALE, AZ--Panthers QB Jake Delhomme continued his dismal postseason performance by throwing two interceptions in Sunday’s conference championship game between the Eagles and Cardinals, marking the first time in NFL history a quarterback has thrown an interception in a game in which he didn’t even play. “I just made a couple bad throws, that’s all.” Delhomme said after the game. “That’s on me. I have noone to blame but myself. And I just feel bad for the guys because they played their butts off and ended up losing it because of a guy who wasn’t even on the field. That’s what’s so frustrating. I mean, how could I have throw two interceptions in a game I didn’t even play in? On the other hand, it’s a big improvement over my 5 interception performance of last week.”
FORT MYERS--A discussion of PETA’s banned Super Bowl commercial during the Super Bowl made a local man crave a hamburger. Michael Whitaker, 36, satisfied his craving by driving to McDonald’s and ordering a Big Mac value meal. Said Whitaker: “Every time I hear somebody mention PETA, I start thinking about meat. It’s like, I’m sitting there eating my carrots and bleu cheese, trying to be healthy and control myself, and then somebody brings up the PETA ad and my brain immediately begins picturing a giant hamburger. I just associate PETA with meat. It’s a shame because I was really doing good on my diet until someone mentioned those assholes. Also, that banned Super Bowl ad is only risque if you come from the 1800’s.” Nevertheless, the ad also inspired the man to jerk off to porn later on that night while eating beef jerky.
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