LAS VEGAS--The Eastern conference may have lost big to the West Sunday in the NBA All-Star game, but they are not folding their tents and giving up hope. In fact, they vowed to do “whatever it takes” to return to the game next year and give themselves another opportunity to vanquish their rivals. “Make no mistake. This team is coming back here next year,” said Chauncey Billups, who had 8 points and 6 assists Sunday. “In fact, I guarantee it. We have the skill, talent, and desire to make it, plus the East always makes it because it’s East versus West, so there’s pretty much no way we won’t be here unless there’s a plane crash or something. That being said, I’m issuing a guarantee here, and you can print it. What, doesn’t anyone want to print it? Geez. Excuse me. We can’t all be Joe Namath.”
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MIAMI--Florida Marlins third baseman Miguel Cabrera won his arbitration hearing last week and was awarded a salary of $7.4 million, up from last year’s salary of $472,000. The Marlins, owners of the lowest payroll in baseball last year, plan to pay for the whopping pay raise by cutting everyone on the team. “We’re going to have to trim payroll pretty significantly here,” said GM Larry Beinfest. “We’re already way over our desired payroll of $10 million. So, we’re sorry to report, that every player on the team is being cut. Yea, that means Dontrelle, Dan Uggla, Hanley Ramirez, what’s-his-face in left field and that other guy with the broad’s name…Anibal, that’s it. Anyway, they’re all gonzo, but I hope that doesn’t deter our fans from buying season tickets. Remember, a lot of people wrote us off before last season and we almost made the playoffs.”
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NEW YORK--When Major League Baseball signed a deal with Direct TV giving the network exclusive rights to broadcast its Extra Innings game package, baseball fans erupted in protest. The problem, they claimed, was that only a limited number of fans will be able to watch the games, since only a limited number of them have Direct TV. But all that is changing now, as the baseball fans of America are thumbing their noses at the powers that be by installing the popular satellite service in their homes. “Yea, they thought they could prevent us all from watching the games. They though they could have a monopoly on it!” said Randall Edelman, 43, while installing the satellite dish on the roof of his home. “But I’m not going to sit here and let them deprive me of my baseball. So I got satellite TV, my friend, and now I’m going to pay the hundred and sixty bucks and I’m going to get me some Extra Innings. See, this is what baseball gets when it tries to bite that hand that feeds them. We bite back! Arrrghh!”
SAN ANTONIO--The San Antonio Spurs locker room burst into hysterics on Friday when point guard Tony Parker unveiled his new rap song and video for his teammates. While Parker laughed along with them, he eventually paused and began to wonder exactly what was so funny about his song. “Ha ha, yes, yes, it’s good. Ha…ha,” Parker said, his laughter slowly abating. “Ha…actually, what is so funny? No, really. What is funny? I see you are laughing but I am not sure. Is it my outfit? Is it my dancing style? Is it my rapping? No, it couldn’t be my rapping. I’m a professional rapper. Perhaps you are laughing because it is so good you can’t help yourself? Yes, that must be it. You are overcome with joy. I understand completely.” However, his teammates later explained that they were laughing at Parker. “Oh, man, I love Tony, but that was just too funny,” said center Tim Duncan. “First of all, any rapping done in French is pure comedy gold, and when you combine that with his mumbly style and all that posing, and the steadfast belief that he can actually rap – you just can’t help but crack up. I just feel sorry for Eva Longoria. It must take every ounce of her willpower to prevent that big orange face from cracking into a smile.”
MIAMI--Heat center Shaquille O’Neal was reportedly “devastated” after having his shot blocked by a white guy in a game against the Minnesota Timberwolves on Thursday night. “What. The. Fuck,” O’Neal said after the game. “What just happened? I just got swatted – rejected – by a white man. Oh, God, that is the one thing, the one thing that you can’t let happen in this league unless you want to be taunted mercilessly by your teammates. I don’t even know how I’m going to explain it. That’s going to be out there forever, too. Fucking Youtube. Fucking internet. Fucking white person blocking my shot. Not that I’m racist or anything, but it’s just…I hold myself to a certain standard, you know? And this is unacceptable. It’s almost as bad as being dunked on by Erik Dampier.” To comfort himself, Shaq went home and watched videotape of his 47 career dunks against Raef LaFrentz.
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TORONTO--In December of 2005, the Ayles Ice Shelf, one of six major ice shelves in Canada, broke free from the coast of Ellesmere and began drifting south in the Arctic Ocean. On April 5 of 2007, a Chevy Silverado GMT900 Heavy Duty will tow it back into place. “The Chevy Silverado is the biggest, most rugged pickup truck there is,” said Luke Copeland, director of the University of Ottawa’s Laboratory for Cryospheric Research. “You can use it to haul lumber, drive up a mountain, go four-wheeling in the mud, or tow an ice shelf the size of Manhattan. That’s why we’re going to hitch a chain to big old glacier and just drag it back about 30 miles. We’ll settle it nice and easy right back into its home. It’s that simple. Chevy 1, Global Warming 0.” After towing the ice shelf back into place, the Silverado will be driven back down to Texas where it will once again be used to haul illegal immigrants back to where they came from.
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TAMPA--Linebacker Cato June, who recently left the Super Bowl champ Indianapolis Colts to sign a deal with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, is no longer predicting that his old team will repeat as Super Bowl champions. June now feels that the Bucs have a better chance to win the title. “Oh, that stuff I said about how we’re going to come back next year and do this all over again? I take that all back,” said June. “I’m not even sure why I said it. I must have just been overlooking some of the other quality teams in the NFL, like, say, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I really think they have a chance to win the Super Bowl this year. The Colts? Overrated. They got lucky. I’m so glad I’m out of that hellhole and finally able to come to my dream team: the highest bidder. I’ve always wanted to play for those guys!”
CLEVELAND--Fox Sports basketball expert Charley Rosen soundly defeated Cavaliers guard Lebron James in a charity basketball game yesterday at the Cleveland YMCA. The 63-year-old Rosen, a longtime critic of James’ game, used a combination of smart defense and efficient offense to score an 11-5 victory over The Chosen One. “I’ve said all along that Lebron’s defense is woefully inadequate,” Rosen said after the game. “He’s quick enough to swipe at the ball, but his footwork and body-balance are deficient. Also, his outside shooting is just not consistent enough, as evidenced by the three wide open 18-footers he missed today. I knew going into this game that I would have an easy time beating him. He has considerable skills but his game remains too unpolished to defeat somebody who actually knows what they’re doing.” The following day, Rosen defeated Kevin Garnett in a charity game of H-O-R-S-E.
BRISTOL, TN--When NASCAR unveiled its new “Car of Tomorrow,” driver Tony Stewart was fully expecting the vehicle to be able to fly like the space cars on The Jetsons. However, he was bitterly disappointed to find that it was merely a safer, more efficient version of current race cars. “Wow talk about a ripoff,” Stewart said, after the Food City 500. “When you hear somebody say ‘Car of Tomorrow’ you think the thing would at least fly, if not shot laser beams from its grill. But it doesn’t do a damn thing except drive – on the ground, just like every other race car I’ve ever driven. It’s just incredibly disappointing on so many different levels. Apparently I’m never going to realize my childhood dream of flying around in a car and peeing out the window.”
NEW YORK--New York Post media critic Phil Mushnick expressed outrage today over the flowing, baggy shorts worn by today’s college basketball players. In a column titled “Long and Short of it” Mushnick blasted several players, including members of the Florida Gators and Ohio State Buckeyes. “Judging from the way kids like Corey Brewer, Mike Conley Jr, and Al Horford wear their shorts, one might wonder if we’re watching a basketball game or some kind of Bloods vs. Crips turf battle,” Mushnick wrote. “It’s a wonder nobody brandished a ‘gat’ under the basket. If the NCAA is going to continue to promote this kind of thuggery, they might as well have Jay-Z sing the National Anthem and 50 Cent do the play-by-play.” Mushnick also blasted both coaches for allowing their players to execute “slam dunks.”
AUSTIN, TX--A UFC match scheduled for April 12 was canceled out of respect for author Kurt Vonnegut, who passed away on April 11. The match, between Tito Ortiz and Ken Shamrock, will be rescheduled for sometime next month. “Ultimate Fighting seems a bit trivial at the moment,” said promoter Richard Stone. “Kurt is a revered figure around here and I think guys just need some time to absorb the fact that he’s up in heaven now. I know that Tito Ortiz is taking this harder than most. The guy didn’t go anywhere without a worn out copy of Galapagos in his back pocket. And Timequake? Forget about it. I don’t know one fighter who hasn’t read it. Hopefully all of us can take some time and reflect on Kurt’s message and then bring that message to the ring and maybe, just maybe, help people appreciate being alive just a little bit.”
WORCESTER, MA--ESPN.com is enduring yet another barrage of criticism from the blogosphere, this time for the slightly different font that is now featured on the front page of the website. Bloggers are calling the font, Arial 9, “loud and annoying” and an “ugly monstrosity” that shows “just how out of touch ESPN is with its target demographic.” “ESPN’s new font has been unveiled and, as expected, it’s a complete mess,” said blogger “Frankie B” from Punching Trey Wingo, one of the many blogs ridiculing the new font. “First of all…Arial? Could it get any lamer than that? Only a corporate moron from the mainstream media could come up with a font that annoying. And why a 9? I can barely read it. I guess they wanted to make it smaller so they can squeeze in more ads and promotions. Rest assured I will be contacting their new ombudsman about this, though she’s probably just a puppet anyway.” Frankie also mentioned that he was willing talk if ESPN wanted to buy his blog and bring him on as part of the staff.
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ--It’s about over a week since the Rutgers Women’s Basketball team was thrust into the national spotlight after shock jock Don Imus made a racist, sexist comment about them, and they still have not received the obligatory offer from Maxim magazine to oil themselves up and do a semi-nude photo shoot. Many members of the team are insulted. “What the hell is up with Maxim?” asked sophomore Heather Zurich. “They didn’t even call us. What, are we not sexy enough? Does it even matter with the industrial sized airbrushing machine they utilize? I’m a little insulted to be honest. We all are. It’s not even that we wanted to be in the magazine. We just wanted a phone call. Is that too much to ask? A little courtesy call? Jesus, first the Imus comments, and then this. Does the whole world have it in for us?”
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