KANSAS CITY, MO--A game between the Denver Nuggets and the San Antonio Spurs broadcast Sunday night on ESPN looked like shit compared to the new video game, NBA Live 2K7, viewers reported. “Ew…what is this, 2K6? 2K5?” asked David Bartoni, 19, while viewing the game at a friend’s apartment. “It looks like shit. You can tell it’s old because it doesn’t have that razor sharp gleam or those rich, deep colors. And the players' movements aren’t nearly as fluid and natural as they are on 2K7. These guys look like robots. It’s amazing what a difference a year or two can make.” When his friend told him it was an actual game broadcast, Bartoni was stunned. “Whoa, really?” he said, stepping closer to the TV. “Wow, I had no idea. It just looks so…dead and dull and flat. I can’t see the beads of sweat on Tim Duncan’s forehead. They’re supposed to be gleaming in the lights. And you know what? You look a little blurry. You’re not sharply defined at all, and your head looks like a cinder block.”
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NEW YORK--Hundreds of sportswriters around the country suffer from similar “character issues” as the athletes they cover, said a New York Times report on Tuesday. Selfishness, laziness, chronic drug abuse, and frequent profanity were among the issues mentioned in the report, which contained testimony from newspaper editors and the writers themselves. “Sportswriters are some of the biggest jerks on the planet,” said one editor at a prominent newspaper. “I can pick out a dozen of them, off the top of my head, who have loafed on the job, left work early, mouthed off to their bosses, smoked pot, frequented prostitutes, and driven under the influence. Yet they constantly criticize athletes for doing the same thing. All I can say is thank God we don’t have to consider those issues when hiring writers. Otherwise there would be no writers left other than Frank Deford and those guys from Baseball Prospectus.”
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NEW YORK--Readers of Sports Illustrated writer Don Banks’ latest mock NFL draft were startled at the stunning accuracy of the draft, which was released on Monday morning. In the draft, Banks predicts the Dolphins taking Ted Ginn Jr, the Packers selecting Justin Harrell, and the Bears selecting tackle Aaron Brant in the seventh round. Banks, ever modest, called his latest forecast “an educated guess.” “Ah, it’s nothing,” Banks said. “It was really just an educated guess. I evaluated each team’s needs, looked at the talent available in the draft, then made my best prediction. Fortunately for me, a lot of those predictions came to pass. It’s really not that difficult once you get it down to a science. Also, it helps to put it together after the draft, so you can just refer to the actual picks and then fill in the blanks.”
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CLEVELAND--Browns top draft pick Joe Thomas announced today that he would skip training camp in order to go on a two week long fishing expedition with his dad. He has, however, assured the Browns that will be available to play by the start of the season on September 9. “July is a tough month for me because that’s the month my dad and I head out to Montana to go fishing,” Thomas said. “So obviously I’m not going to be able make training camp. I did the right thing and gave the coaches prior notice, because I don’t to leave people wondering where I am. Now don’t freak out, everyone. I’ll definitely be ready for opening day. It’s just that I don’t really see the point in going out there and sweating my butt off and dealing with the coaches and the media and the whole damn rigmarole when I could be out on the lake, sipping a beer, and spending quality time with my dad. To me, some things are just more important than football. I guess I’m kind of old fashioned like that.” The Browns applauded the decision by Thomas, calling him a “good family man” who has his priorities in proper order.
NEW YORK--A funny, subversive new blog is ready to turn the sports world on its ear by listing the names and social security numbers of hundreds of professional athletes. Privacy advocates are voicing concern over the blog, but its creators insist its all in the spirit of good fun. “We have access to the personal and financial records of hundreds, if not thousands of people,” said Rob Dwyer, creator of Nothing Personal.com. “It’s going to be great. This will give fans an opportunity to see a different side of the athletes they see on TV, a personal side, a more human side. Imagine how funny it’s going to be to come to our blog and see the social security number of Barry Bonds or Terrell Owens or Tom Brady or Dwyane Wade? And then you get to mess around with them and try to establish credit cards in their name and stuff. Oh, man, I just love sticking it to those rich, pompous jerks. Of course, it's all in fun...for us ”
SCOTTSDALE, AZ--Timothy Nedwell, a golfer on the PGA tour, has a tremendous motor and plays at top speed all of the time, which doesn’t serve much purpose on a golf course. “I have such a tremendous motor. I’m always going,” said Nedwell, the 157th ranked golfer on the tour. “I always ‘play to the whistle’ so to speak. Unfortunately this kind of thing doesn’t translate well to the PGA. Sure, I do a lot of jumping jacks while waiting for my turn to putt and I often sprint between holes and I occasionally play seven or eight consecutive rounds during practice, but it doesn’t help me much as a golfer. Sometimes I wish I had become a football player. Then I could have used this motor to sack the quarterback or play special teams, or at the very least, stomp somebody's head in with my cleats.” Nedwell then ran around in circles for 30 minutes before falling to the ground.
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OAKLAND--After a magical, whirlwind playoff run, the Golden State Warriors are finally going home for the summer. Despite the crushing disappointment of being eliminated by the Utah Jazz, the plucky team will always have that magical moment when Baron Davis dunked over Andre Kirilenko in the waning minutes of Game 3. “You know, no matter what happens now, we’ll always have that dunk,” said Davis’ teammate Jason Richardson. “They can’t take that away from us. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were on a run, it was the end of the game, and Baron soared through the air and put an exclamation point on the victory, right in Kirilenko’s face. Eat this, asshole! Yea! It was awesome. Now he’s in the playoffs and we’re sitting at home, but you know what? I’d rather be in our position. Lots of teams make the conference finals, but how many teams get to be on Sportscenter?”
PORTLAND, ME--Double A pitcher Josh Horvath of the Portland Sea Dogs had a no-hitter ruined Saturday in a game against the Trenton Thunder after members of the Thunder began openly talking about the no-hit bid in the seventh inning. The cunning strategy jinxed Horvath and caused a ground ball to find the hole in the middle of the infield. “Dammit, I really thought I was going to get that no hitter,” said a dejected Horvath after the game. “I was cruising, nobody could touch me and then, out of nowhere, some morons started talking about it. Hello? Isn’t that a breach of protocol? You’re supposed to keep your mouth shut when a pitcher is working on a no hitter so you don’t jinx it. I’m no superstitious or anything, but there are just some things you don’t do. I wonder how they would have liked it if their pitcher was throwing a no-hitter and we tried to break it up like that.” Afterwards, members of the Thunder apologized for their actions. “Gee, I didn’t think that rule applied to the opposing team,” said infielder Gabe Lopez. “I guess we really dropped the ball on this one. Talk about a tainted victory.”
ATLANTA--With their starting quarterback, Michael Vick, facing a possible six-game suspension for his alleged involvement in a dog fighting ring, the Atlanta Falcons are looking to shore up their depth at the quarterback position. Tops on their wish list? Houston signal caller Matt Schaub, who would be a perfect fit for the Falcons offense. “Matt is an accurate quarterback who has knowledge of the style of offense we play,” said GM Rich McKay. “I’ve always been an admirer of his and would love it if he came to play for our team. Now it’s just a matter of talking to the Texans to see if we can’t work out a deal. In a perfect world, we’d be able to get him for a couple of second round picks in next year’s draft, but nobody would be that stupid. In fact, it would probably insult their intelligence if I even made that offer.” Instead, McKay said he plans to offer a first rounder along with Michael Vick.
READING, PA--Kyle Pritchard, 23, a former right hander in the Phillies organization, lost his arm in a car accident last month, but he’s not using that as an excuse for his recent string of bad outings. “Hey, I just haven’t pitched well. That’s the bottom line,” said Pritchard, now a lefthander. “I lost my right arm and had to start pitching lefty three weeks ago, but I’m not using that as an excuse. Every team deals with injuries, and you can bet nobody’s going to be crying for me out there. As for tonight, well, I just have to tip my cap to the hitters. They were real patient and got a lot of walks. Yea, it’s tough for me because I can’t reach the plate pitching lefty, but again: I won’t use that as an excuse. Excuses in sports are taboo and anybody who uses them is a coward.” Pritchard then excused himself from the press conference as there was blood geysering from his stump.
BOSTON--The Boston Red Sox defeated the Cleveland Indians on Monday night by a score of 5-3, extending their division lead to a whopping 13.5 games over the New York Yankees, the only other team in the American League East. Though the Sox are happy with their wide cushion, nobody is ready to count out the Yanks just yet. “Can the Yankees catch us? Yes, absolutely,” said Sox manager Terry Francona. “All it takes is us getting cold in the second half and them getting hot, and our lead could be cut in half before you know it. So we’re definitely keeping an eye on them. Hopefully we can open up a big enough lead after the all-star break that we can make it impossible for them to come back, at which point we can stop playing because the division title will be ours.” Later in the interview, Francona said he would be in favor of the league adding two or three more teams to the division to compete with the Yankees and Red Sox.
CLEVELAND--Cavaliers forward Anderson Varejao admitted today that he was going to feel extremely self conscious flopping around Spurs guard Manu Ginobli in the upcoming NBA finals. Varejao considers himself an amateur flopper, while Ginobli is a legend, who practically invented the practice of falling down on purpose. “I’m a little scared, I have to admit,” Varejao admitted with a laugh. “This is like the student going up against the master. I guess I just have to stay calm and remember that I deserve to be here and that I can fall down just as good as he can. Oh, who am I kidding? When he falls down, he is majestic like a ballerina. When I fall down I am like a drunk slipping on a banana peel. I only hope that we win the series in order to minimize the humiliation somewhat.” Varejao said his ultimate dream would be for he and Ginobli to meet up at mid court, shake hands, and simultaneously fall to the floor.
FOXBORO, MA--Patriots coach Bill Belichick said he enjoyed seeing Eric Mangini’s brief cameo on The Sopranos on Sunday night, but said it would have been more exciting if the Jets coach was garroted by one of Tony’s wise guys while eating dinner. “It’s a great show and I did get a kick out of seeing Eric make an appearance,” Belichick told the Boston Herald today. “But I personally think it would have been more exciting if one of Tony’s guys – may Paulie or something – came up behind him and wrapped a garrote around his neck while he was eating dinner, killing him on the spot. It sure would have been funny to see his face plop down into his bowl of spaghetti. But that’s the problem with this show: there’s not enough action. Hopefully they’re just setting it up for next week when they’ll mow him down in a hail of bullets coming out of the restaurant.”
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