Real-Life State Farm Agent Brings No Coffee And Donuts
SLIDELL, LA--A real life State Farm Insurance agent arrived at the ravaged home of Janice Bonham of Slidell, LA on Monday and brought no coffee and donuts, Bonham reported, and instead brought a form stating that her insurance claim was being rejected. The incident was a far cry from the television commercials which depict State Farm agents as being kind and gentle Good Samaritans. “Well that was disappointing,” Bonham said, standing insider the mud-caked disaster that used to be her living room. “After seeing all those State Farm commercials, I was expecting some folksy, laid back do-gooder to show up with coffee and donuts, hug me while I cried on his shoulder, and then give me a check. But he just said ‘Hi. I’m State Farm Agent Dan Mann, and your claim has been rejected. Bye.’ Then he got in his speedboat and roared away.”

Hunter Proud Of Outsmarting Elk
JACKSON HOLE , WY—Hunter JB Geary of Jackson Hole, Wyoming was extremely proud of being able to outsmart an elk during a weekend hunting trip, even though he is a heavily armed adult human being and the elk is an unarmed wild animal with a brain the size of golf ball. “That, my friend, is how to outsmart an elk,” Geary, 40, told his son after shooting one down. “See, it’s not enough just to hide behind the tree. You also have to keep dead silent, and make sure he can’t see your hands or the muzzle of your gun. Then when he gets into view, take aim and—boom—you got your trophy.” Last week, Geary outsmarted a duck by luring it with a duck whistle and then shooting it.

Bush To Be Mic’d For Sound During Next National Security Meeting
WASHINGTON , DC —Drawing on the success of NFL players wearing microphones during televised games, the White House has announced plans to mike President Bush during the next national security meeting, giving the public unprecedented access to an event that used to be off limits. White House spokesman Scott McCllelan called the decision “a way to reach out to the American people.” “The American people want inside access to everything these days, whether it be sporting events, each other’s lives, or the workings of the federal government. So by providing a microphone to the president during a national security meeting, viewers will get to hear exactly what goes on what leaders get behind closed doors to discuss things like troop movements and the locations of top-secret military installations.”

Carl Everett Still Can’t Explain Where All Those Dinosaur Bones Came From
CHICAGO--Outfielder Carl Everett, who vehemntly denies that dinosaurs ever existed, still cannot explain the presence of thousands of dinosaur fossils around the globe. “Why are they there? I don’t know,” said Everett during an interview with Maxim magazine. “They’re probably fake. They were probably made by scientists who don’t believe in God and don’t want anyone else to, either. And those supposedly real ones at the museum? Well, I don’t know. They’re either fake or they’re…I don’t know. I just don’t. Can we talk about something else, please?” When told that modern day birds are actually descended from dinosaurs, Everett became angry and stormed out of the room.

Pfizer Unveils New Pill To Restore Viagra Users’ Dignity
DENVER, CO-- There’s good news on the horizon for Viagra users. Pfizer, the company behind the revolutionary drug, has unveiled a new pill desinged to restore its users’ dignity. The pill, named “Dignara,” will be available to the public next month, and is expected to be in high demand among men with erectile dysfunction. “This pill is a must-have for men so pathetic they would actually use Viagra,” said Henry McKinnell, Pfizer CEO. “For men like this, dignity is something they’ve learned to live without—until now. Our new wonderdrug, Dignara, will restore that dignity in just minutes. However, If you feel like a man for more than 4 hours, call a doctor. There’s no reason in hell you should feel that good about yourself.”

Next Grand Theft Auto Game To Include Baby Killing
NEW YORK--Fans of the popular video game Grand Theft Auto received some exciting news yesterday from Sam Houser, president of Rockstar Games: The next edition, due to be released in 2006, will feature baby killing. “We love to push the envelope with GTA, and the next edition of the game will feature enhanced graphics, better missions, and—drumroll, please—baby killing,” Houser said in an interview with Gamespot.com. “Killing adults is great fun, but after a while the novelty wears off and it starts to become routine. With baby killing, you get to find babies all around town and shoot them. If you shoot 100, you unlock a really cool jet ski. Of course, it’s all in good fun.” Houser also leaked another exciting feature to be included in the next GTA: cannibalism.

Hackey Sack League Rocked By Doping Scandal
PORTLAND, OR--The Portland Community College Hackey Sack League, once considered a paragon of clean-living and virtue, has been rocked by a recent doping scandal involving every single one of its members. Dean Kopeski, commissioner of the league said he was “saddended” by the scandal, but stopped short of taking any disciplinay action. “Dude, I can’t believe this shit,” Kopeski told reporters at a press conference. “It’s, like, everyone in the whole league is totally toking it up all the time. This is really gonna hurt our image. We’re not gonna punish anyone, though. That would be hypocritical. Ever hear that old saying about passing out speeding tickets at the Indianapolis 500? That would apply here.”

Royals Fan Can’t Believe How Bad Yankees Blew It This Year
KANSAS CITY, MO--Larry Gleason, 24, a lifetime Kansas City Royals fan, cannot believe how bad the New York Yankees blew it this year. Though Gleason’s home team lost 106 games this year, he still feels sorry for fans of the Yankees who had to endure another first round exit from the playoffs. “Oh, man, they totally blew it,” said Gleason, a graduate student. “None of their free agents signing lived up to their billing, and those pick-ups they made during the regular season were too little, too late. If I was a Yankee fan, I would be pissed. Steinbrenner blew it again. All I can say is thank God I don’t live in New York and have to suffer like those losers.”

Inspirational Stalker To Never Give Up
PHILADELPHIA--Stalker Rob Castillo, currently obsessed with tennis star Maria Sharapova, will never give up in his quest to win her love, sources reported Tuesday. The inspirational stalker even plans to travel to Philadelphia next week to watch Sharapova play in the Advanta Championship, in hopes of meeting her and professing his undying love. “A lot of guys would’ve given up on Maria a long time ago,” said Castillo, 38, an unemployed postal worker. “She’s beautiful, talented, and can probably have any guy she wants. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to fold my tent and give up. I’m going to keep stalking her until she falls in love with me. The word ‘can’t’ isn’t even in my vocabulary. I just hope I can be an inspiration to all the others stalkers out there. Never give up, guys. Remember, whoever she is, she’s just playing hard to get.”

Hockey Surpassed In Popularity By Air Hockey
TORONTO--Just over a month into the regular season, the National Hockey League is still struggling to regain its fan base. Things have gotten so bad, in fact, that the traditional hockey has been surpassed in popularity by air hockey, or table hockey. Experts say the reasons are clear. “Air hockey kicks ass in so many ways,” said Jack Lechtein, president of Air Hockey America, the largest air hockey league in the country. “It’s one on one, it’s fast moving, it’s extremely tense, and it’s still very much a blue-collar sport, unlike the NHL. Also, we weren’t stupid enough to put franchises in places like Phoenix and Nashville.”

Chinese Athlete Gets English Language Tattoo
MIAMI--Miami Heat center Wang Zhizhi showed teammates his new tattoo today after practice. The design, drawn on his right shoulder, consisted of a black circle with the word “Tranquility” inside it, written in ornate English lettering. Zhizhi told reporters he got the tattoo because “he’s really into English stuff.” “I’ve always been fascinated with the English language,” he said. “I think it’s quite beautiful. So when I went for my tattoo, I knew it had to be something written in English. See, it says ‘tranquility.’ But you probably already knew that. Oh well, it’s really dark and mysterious in China.”

Visiting Team Rattled By Repeated Playings Of ‘We Will Rock You’
DENVER, CO--The Philadelphia Eagles admitted to being “seriously rattled” by repeated playings of the hard-driving rock song “We Will Rock You” during Sunday’s game Denver’s Invesco Field. The Eagles were blown out by the Broncos, and later said they hope they never have to play in that stadium again. “Oh my God that place was a madhouse,” said a shaken Donovan McNabb, who missfired on his first 11 passes. “Every, I don’t know, 6 or 8 minutes they would play that song ‘We Will Rock You’ by Queen. It’s like, totally rocking, and totally intimidating and it throws the crowd into a frenzy. Every one of them was screaming that they’d rock us. I was like ‘What did we do to these people?’ I hope I never have to play in Denver again.” McNabb said he was also rattled by the amount of oversized foam fingers emblazoned with the Bronco logo.

White Person Bravely Ventures Into YMCA Pickup Game
COLUMBUS, OH--Don McCullough, a white guy, showed the courage of a thousand men yesterday when he ventured into a pickup basketball game at a Columbus-area YMCA. The 37-year-old McCullough scored zero points and had just one rebound during the twenty-minute game, and fainted from fatigue soon afterward. “Holy shit those guys are good,” a winded McCullough told reporters. “How can you play full-court basketball for that long? It’s just running back and forth over and over again. I couldn’t get a shot off. Every time I squared up this one big guy kept coming over and slapping it ouf of my hands. It was a great workout. I just wish I could have kept some of my dignity.”

Umpires Invited To White Sox Victory Parade
CHICAGO--Several umpires were invited to the Chicago White Sox victory parade on Friday, where they were honored by fans for their contributions to the White Sox World Series victory. Jeff Nelson and Doug Eddings were among those invited. “The Chicago White Sox owe a deep debit of gratitude to all of our postseason umpiring crews,” owner Jerry Reisdorf told the 1.7 million fans in attendance. “Doug Eddings, who can forget you’re call in Game 2 when you awarded AJ Pierzynski first base on strike three? And how about Jeff Nelson awarding Jermaine Dye first base after a pitch struck his bat handle? Holy shit, are you blind? That was awesome. Anyway, I hereby award you the key to the city. Don’t lose it.”