FOXBORO, MA--Indianpolis Colts special teams player Darin Wiliams was congratulated by teammates for making a key play during Monday’s game against the New England Patriots. After Patriots return man Tim Dwight opted not to return a Colts punt, Williams altertly ran up to the ball, which was sitting on the three yard line, bent over, and picked it up. He then thumped his chest in celebration. “That was a key play right there,” said fellow special teams player Bob Sanders after the game. “A lot of guys would’ve just stood there and stared at the ball, but not Darin. He threw caution to the wind and picked it up, with complete disregard for his own safety. It looks like somebody is going to be on the highlight films tonight.”
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NEW YORK--Fans of the word “Tremendous” celebrated yesterday as it was voted the most popular word by the nation’s sportscasters. The fun, versatile word came in far ahead of “Swagger” and “Adversity” in the poll, which was conducted by ESPN.com. “’Tremendous’ is a wonderful word, a tremendous word,” said CBS sportscaster Dick Enberg. “It’s just a tremendous honor to be able to say that word over and over again during the course of a game. My collegeus and I are extremely happy to see this word finally get the recognition it deserves. This is a tremendous day for us, and a tremendous day for ‘Tremendous.’”
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LOS ANGELES--Fans of former linebacker Lawrence Taylor are excited about his new video game, Blitz the League, in which they are able to live out Taylor’s pathetic life of drug abuse, violence, and depravity while playing for a fictional football team. According to Taylor the game is meant to show people “the real side” of professional football. “This is the side of pro football that the NFL doesn’t want you to know about,” Taylor said, in an appearance on Best Damn Sports Show Period. “”It’s basically based on my life. You get to play football, you get to do drugs, you get to have sex with hookers, you might even get arrested. If you play your cards right and have that ‘win at all costs’ attitude, you might achieve my lofty status as a walking punch line.”
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PHILADELPHIA--The crowd at a 76ers game got a brief scare Sunday when forward Chris Webber fell to the floor during a fast break and lost consciousness. He awoke moments later and made his way to the locker room, where doctors determined that the strain from running down the court had caused Webber to faint. Head coach Maurice Cheeks promised to keep a close on Webber during future fast breaks. “Chris just got tired, that’s all,” said head coach Maurice Cheeks. “He’s nursing a lot of injuries these days, and he’s not getting any younger, either. Watching him chug down the court during fast breaks is a little disturbing. This is the first time I’ve ever seen him faint, though. I guess he should just stick to his normal practice of never running the floor. That seems to work pretty well for him.”
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FOXBORO, MA--Bill Belichick doesn’t like cornerback Duane Starks, so he decided to get rid of him the best way he knew how: by putting him on the injured list with a shoulder injury. Starks was surprised by the move, since his shoulder actually feels fine. “I’m not hurt at all. I feel great,” Starks told reporters on Monday. “I think coach Belichick just put me on the injured list because he doesn’t like the way I’ve been playing. He came up to me after the Colts game and just said ‘Starks, you’re going on the injured list. You’re shoulder hurts. Now get out of my sight.’ And that was it. I’m not even allowed in the locker room anymore.”
HOUSTON, TX--Steve McKinney, Houston Texans center, decided to take matters into his own hands Sunday night and sack David Carr himself just to get it over with. When the ball was snapped, McKinney immediately turned around, grabbed his quarterback, and gently placed him on the ground in order to preempt a much more painful and violent sack from a member of the defense. “It was just something I thought I should do,” said McKinney, a member of an offensive line that has led the league in sacks allowed this year. “We all know what’s going to happen when David drops back to pass: He’s going to get nailed. So instead of putting him through that for the umpteenth time, I decided to do a preemptive strike. I just softly laid him on his back, patted his head and said ‘There there. The season’s almost over.’ He was actually very appreciative. It was the closest thing I’ve done to blocking all season.”
PHILADELPHIA--With the Terrell Owens saga still raging, members of the media are openly admitting to being distracted by the incessant media coverage. Many of them want the story to die for good, so they can focus on their job of reporting actual sports news. Said ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio: “I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t a distraction for me and other members of the media. It’s just hard to do your job when there is so much drama all the time. Just the other day I found myself thinking ‘Isn’t there more to life than standing in the freezing cold with snot running down my nose waiting for a sound byte from some dumb jock?’ There answer, sadly, is no. This is all there is for someone like me.” Paolantonio then left hastily after receiving a text message that Terrell Owens may be walking out of his house today.
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