National Organization of Women Advises Anna Benson To Just Stay In The Kitchen

BALTIMORE--A spokesperson for the National Organization of Women (NOW) has advised Anna Benson, wife of Orioles pitcher Kris Benson, to just stay in the kitchen where she belongs and stop making such a fuss. That advice is a departure from the typical NOW stance of promoting women’s rights, but the organization is making an exception in the case of Benson because she is “extraordinarily annoying.”

“This is very difficult for me to say as a member of the National Organization of Women and a staunch advocate of women’s rights, but Anna Benson should really just stay in the kitchen,” said Joanne Vasey, president of NOW. “She should take off her shoes, put on an apron and concentrate on the preparation and cooking of meals for her husband, Kris. Her incessant public yammering is annoying and it’s an embarrassment to women’s rights activist everywhere. As Gloria Steinem once said ‘A woman’s place is in the kitchen.’ OK, she didn’t actually say that, but that's just because she never met this girl.”

Vasey also confessed to being an Orioles fan and said she was concerned that Benson would be a distraction to the team this year.

“Truth be told, I do like the Orioles, and I’m a little pissed off at them for acquiring this Benson guy. Did you see the press conference they held to announce the signing? Why did his wife show up? And why did she speak? I can’t believe I’m even saying this, but all those guys who said women should be seen and not heard may have had a point, at least in this case. I guess I was wrong to join this organization. Maybe women don’t deserve to have rights after all.”

During her marriage to right-handed pitcher Kris Benson, Anna has garnered more publicity than her husband. She once told Howard Stern that she would sleep with every member of the New York Mets if her husband cheated on her. On another occasion she lashed out at Mets management for acquiring first basemen Carlos Delgado, who she called “unpatriotic” for refusing to stand for “God Bless America.” During a press conference to announce Benson’s trade to Baltimore on Monday, she blasted the Mets for making the trade and she felt her family was “misled” by the team’s front office.

“If I was Kris Benson, I’d put that bitch right in her place,” said Rita Harford, another member of NOW who has grown tired of Benson’s antics. “Does he really want her running around half naked, making comments about things she knows nothing about? Does he want her talking publicly about their sex life? Anna is a pretty girl, I’ll give her that. She should just smile pretty, bat those eyelashes, and watch The Stepford Wives about a hundred times until she finally gets it.”

Not all feminists are encouraging Benson to stay in the kitchen, however. Several came out in support of her yesterday after hearing Vasey and Harford’s comments.

“Those are some of the most shocking comments I’ve ever heard coming from a supposed women’s rights organization,” said Helen Mandell, co-director for the National Women’s Suffrage Association (NWSA). “Anna Benson has as much right as anybody to express her opinions. Is she annoying? Yes. Is she grating? Absolutely. Does she stick her nose in where it doesn’t belong? Sure. Would we all be better off if she just kept to herself and let her husband pitch in peace? Yes. OK, I think I just talked myself out of my own argument.”

In his first season in Baltimore, Kris Benson hopes to make a big impact on the field. He also plans to make an impact off the field with his wife, Anna, both of whom are involved in numerous charitable endeavors. In other words, she’s not going away.

“It always cracks me up when I hear people complain about my wife being in the public eye so much,” said Benson, who had a 4.13 ERA last season with the Mets. “I don’t see what the problem is. She has a right to say and do whatever she wants. Plus, we both do a lot of charity work together. She gives of herself more than anyone else I’ve ever seen. For these so-called ‘feminists’ to criticize her is ridiculous. They’re just jealous. If that woman from NOW had half a body she’d probably be hanging off a stripper pole right now.”