NEW YORK--When Major League Baseball officially banned amphetamines in 2005, players predicted that the game would change in many ways. One of those ways was on display April 6th at Shea Stadium, when then benches cleared in a game between the Mets and the Nationals and no punches were thrown by either team.

Players on both teams blamed the lethargy on the lack of amphetamines, or “greenies.”

“In the old days we would take these pills called ‘greenies’ and be pumped up for the whole game,” said Mets infielder Carlos Delgado. “Everybody did them. We popped them like jelly beans. That’s why you would always see guys charge the mound for no reason and then the benches clear and everybody beat the crap of each other. Now it’s just a lot of milling around. The passion is gone. The boorishness is gone. The violence is gone. In short, the soul of the game is gone.”

The Mets-Nationals “brawl” began when Pedro Martinez hit Jose Guillen with a pitch for the 5th time in 40 at bats. Players from both dugouts made their way on to the field, but returned after a few short minutes of standing there with their hands in their pockets.

“Well that was kind of a letdown,” said Nationals second baseman Jose Vidro. “There just isn’t the same fire, the same passion that they’re used to be. Usually you see at least three or four guys screaming and spitting and bugging their eyes out. These days everyone just goes through the motions. I guess it’s good in a way. Now we can just concentrate on playing baseball every day. Nine excruciatingly long innings of baseball. Every day. I'm getting tired just thinking about it. ”

In the glory days of bench clearing brawls, real punches were thrown and real blood was shed, mostly because the players were so incredibly high all the time.

“You really can’t underestimate the effect that speed pills had on these brawls,” said Nationals manager Frank Robinson. “All those veins popping out, all those clenched fists, all that punching and kicking and biting. All that stuff is pretty much over, thanks to the amphetamine ban. Now guys are drinking Red Bull to try and get pumped up. Great. Can we gay up this league anymore? Maybe a rave will break out next time we clear the benches.”

Despite the negative impact on bench clearing brawls, most players agree that the amphetamine ban, like the steroid ban, will be good for baseball. It’s just that fans will have to grow accustomed to a game largely devoid of temper tantrums and mindless violence.

“You’re going to see a slightly different game now,” said Mets GM Omar Minaya. “It’s going to be a more pure game, and that’s a good thing. Sure, on occasion there will be fighting and brawling because we still have hitters like Jose Guillen and Milton Bradley and pitchers like Pedro Martinez and Julian Tavarez. It’s the senseless violence that’s going to be missing and the totally out-of-the-blue fits of rage. That’s gone now. Without amphetamines, fans are going to see players for what they truly are: overpaid pussies.”

A week after Martinez plunked Guillen, the Mets faced the Nationals once again with Martinez on the mound. The game was aired on ESPN in the hopes that another brawl would break out, only this time nothing happened. Both teams seemed interested only in playing the game.

“Well there was no funny business at all in that game,” said Mets manager Willie Randolph. “To tell you the truth I’m kind of glad. We don’t need any more drug-fueled fights, especially since we have Pedro Martinez on this team and he’s the one that’s always starting the fights. It’s better to throw at a docile player than someone revved up on greenies. That way even if he does charge the mound he'll probably be too tired by the time he gets there.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.