CLEVELAND--According to a report in the San Francisco Chronicle, pitcher Paul Byrd purchased $25,000 worth of Human Growth Hormone between August 2002 and January of 2005. If the timeline is accurate, that would mean Byrd won his 2003 Jeep Power Performance Player of the Week Award under false pretences.

MLB is now considering placing an asterisk next to the award, which Byrd captured in the second week of May 2003, by going 2-0 with a 1.07 ERA.

“This bit of information casts a whole different light on Mr. Byrd’s Jeep Power Performance Player of the Week Award,” said commissioner Bud Selig. “While we all thought he won the award through hard work and determination, it appears now it was aided by performance enhancing drugs. As such, the league is considering placing an asterisk next to his accomplishment so future generations can see that his 2-0 record was tainted. This is a black day for baseball, and a black day for Jeep.”

Selig also pointed out that the one mile per hour increase in Byrd’s fastball was “probably not the result of a higher leg kick.”

“It’s obvious now that Mr. Byrd’s velocity increase was a result of the HGH he was taking,” Selig said. “It’s a shame because we all wanted so badly to believe that a man could go from throwing 82 miles per hour to 83 miles per hour with nothing but a higher leg kick and a little weight training. There's no telling what his record would have been that week without that extra bit of velocity, but it's safe to say it probably would have been somewhere around 0-2.”

For his part, Byrd has insisted that the HGH was prescribed by a doctor for a rare pituitary gland condition. He also said the drug was in no way responsible for his Player of the Week Award.

“I have a medical condition that requires the use of HGH,” said Byrd. “I would never take it for performance enhancing purposes. And to suggest my Jeep Power Performance Player of the Week Award was won under false pretenses is just ridiculous. I worked hard for that award. I had a 1.07 ERA that week. I really don’t see how the league can consider putting an asterisk next to it. Seriously, I have a pituitary gland condition. Just ask my dentist.”

Byrd went on to say that losing his May 10-17 P.O.W. award will be like “losing a part of himself.”

“I’ve had that thing up on my mantle for the past four years,” he said. “It’s part of my identity. It’s who I am. When I meet new people they say, ‘Hey, it’s the Jeep Power Performance Player of the Week for the second week of May, 2003!’ Then I pose for pictures and sign autographs and stuff. If this is taken away from me, I’ll be just another player who took HGH for a pituitary gland problem, then got busted for it, then got an asterisk placed next to his fake award.”

Byrd also noted that the HGH “didn’t do shit” for his velocity and was “a complete rip-off,” though he took it for medical purposes only.

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

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MLB Considers Placing Asterisk Next To Paul Byrd’s Player Of The Week Award

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