Adorable Cardinals Fans Actually Think They’re Intimidating

ST LOUIS--The St Louis Cardinals have reached the second round of the National league playoffs, and the city is once again swept up in the excitement of October baseball. Local fans, armed with hand-painted signs, crazy, bright red wigs, and clever-yet-inoffensive chants will pack Busch stadium and try to rattle the underdog Houston Astros. The adorable little fan base actually believes it is capable of being intimidating.

“I can’t wait to go to the ballpark and make some noise!” said 73-year-old retiree Ethel Koslowski. “I’m gonna wear my Cardinal-red sweatshirt and bring some pom-poms and cheer with all my might—except when the Astros are up. They won’t get anything from me except the usual polite standing ovation.”

Other fans are preparing for the big showdown by drawing up quaint little posterboard signs that praise the Cardinals in a manner that utilizes the letters E, S, P, and N.

“I’ve got this one great sign I’m making up that says ‘Everyone Supports Pujols Now!’” said Timothy Newton, 12. “Did you notice how the first letters of all the words spell ‘ESPN?’ That will definitely get me on Sportscenter. I hope the Astros notice, because then they’ll wish they never messed with the Cards in the first place. Yay, Cardinals! We must protect this house!”

If anybody can vouch for the cuteness of Cardinals’ fans, it’s the San Diego Padres, who just completed a three-game series against St Louis. Though they were soundly defeated, the Padres said that playing at Busch stadium “was a really pleasant experience.”

“Well that was nice. Those fans sure are terrific,” said outfielder Dave Roberts. “We got our asses handed to us by the Cardinals, but the fans really had nothing to do with it. Sure, they’re loud and supportive, but intimidating? Ha, that’s funny. After playing in the Yankees-Red Sox series last year I expected at least one person in St Louis to threaten to kill me. But they didn’t. The worst thing I heard was ‘Hey Roberts! You suck compared to Jim Edmonds!’ And that was from Jim Edmonds.”

The Astros also played in St Louis last year and reported similar experiences. In fact, some of them enjoyed the St Louis fans so much they were envious of the Cardinals players.

“Those fans are a lot of fun. I wish I could play here,” said pitcher Roy Oswalt. “It seems like every one of them is a cute little old lady or an adorable little kid. Sometimes when I’m playing somewhere like Philly, I get batteries thrown at me. Nobody in St Louis throws batteries at you—except for that one time when I was sitting in the bullpen and I announced that my iPod was out of batteries, and somebody threw me a couple to help me out. That was nice, especially since they went through the trouble of enclosing them in a soft, knitted cover so they wouldn’t hurt my hands when I caught them.”

Cardinals fans aren’t just polite, they’re also extremely knowledgeable. Unlike the average baseball fan, the people of St Louis appreciate the little things, like sacrifice bunts and breaking up a double play.

During the NL divisional playoff series, broadcaster Jon Miller was amazed by the fans’ deep knowledge of the game.

“And you hear now these St Louis fans showing their appreciation for that sacrifice bunt,” Miller told his partner, Joe Morgan, after Cards second basemen David Eckstein executed a perfect sacrifice. “Here in St Louis, the fans know the game and they understand the value of doing the little things to help your team win. They’re nothing like those idiots in other cities, who don’t understand that concept, and viciously boo whenever someone successfully moves a runner over. Jesus, how do those dipshits manage to dress themselves in the morning?”

So as the Cardinals prepare for their upcoming series against the Astros, they are calling on fans to bring their ‘A’ game and rattle the opposition. In reality, they all know that’s not going to happen.

“We’d love to have our fans show up and shout obscenities at the opposing players and hurl hurtful insults at them, but that’s just wishful thinking,” said manager Tony LaRussa“What’s more likely is that they’ll smile a lot, sing songs, clap their hands and act like they’re at a church social. Of course, when we go to Houston we’ll be getting all kinds of shit from the fans. They’ll be screaming and cursing like a bunch of maniacs. Too bad they play at Minute Maid park. That place couldn’t be intimidating if it was being used for a Hamas rally.”