CHICAGO--After another incident in which White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen used a homophobic slur during an interview, the team’s management has warned him to tone his act down. Guillen apologized for using the slur and promised that in the future, he will keep the homophobia safely in the clubhouse where it belongs.

“Homophobic slurs and gay bashing have no place in the mass media,” Guillen told a group of reporters following Saturday’s win against Houston. “You can't say that shit publicly because then you end up hurting people’s feelings. Instead you keep it in-house, so if you do hurt somebody’s feelings, they won’t say anything about it because then everyone will know they’re a fag.”

In the latest incident, Guillen referred to sportswriter Jay Mariotti as a “fag” after Mariotti criticized him in a column. Guillen later said the comment wasn’t meant as an insult to homosexuals.

“In my country, ‘fag’ means someone who has no courage or integrity,” Guillen said. “I wasn’t trying to insult gay people. I’ve never had a problem with them at all. I’ve even been to WNBA games. I even have gay friends – like Paul Konerko. Heh, just kidding, Paul. I would never insult you be suggesting you were a pickle smoker. Oops, there I go again. See, in my country, ‘pickle smoker’ means someone who has no courage or integrity. We have a lot of expressions for that.”

In response to Guillen’s tirade, the White Sox have ordered the skipper to attend sensitivity training, something that Guillen is openly dreading.

“I’ll go because they’re making me, but I don’t think I’ll get anything out of it,” he said. “The whole thing is just stupid if you ask me. In the old days, managers could say whatever they wanted. Tommy Lasorda abused sportswriters all the time. He called them assholes and cocksuckers and motherfuckers and whatever else he could think of. Nowadays people are too sensitive. I’m including myself of course. If anyone offers the slightest criticism of me I’ll go after them and their goddamn families.”

Guillen is known throughout baseball as a colorful and charismatic character who doesn’t mince words with reporters. His candor is refreshing, but sometimes, honesty isn’t the best policy. That’s why White Sox GM Kenny Williams has warned Guillen to tone it down or face the consequences.

“It’s not out of the realm of possibility that we could fire Ozzie and bring in someone else,” said Williams. “It’s something I would hate to do because he’s a great manager, but we can’t keep having these incidents and letting them slide. That’s why we’re sending him to sensitivity training. It’s total bullshit, but maybe it’ll be so boring and soul-crushing that it will scare him straight. Again, we’re not asking him to be sensitive. We’re just asking him to pretend to be sensitive in public.”

While Guillen is a repeat offender, his nemesis, Jay Mariotti, has ruffled his share of feathers as well. The abrasive reporter for the Chicago Sun-Times has been a vocal critic of Guillen and his counterpart from the Chicago Cubs, Dusty Baker. But that doesn’t justify Guillen’s attacks, says Mariotti.

“Hey I can say whatever I want. I’m a sportswriter. It’s called free speech,” Mariotti said. “So I think Dusty Baker should be fired. So what? That gives me something in common with the rest of the world. Ozzie needs to simmer down and learn how to be tolerant of other people’s opinions. All these tirades and insults are going to come back and bite him in the ass in the end. They already have, actually. Look at me. He’s turned me into a victim. Imagine that? Talk about a change of pace. Even my own wife and kids seem to like me now.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.