WASHINGTON, DC--Right wing conservatives have long criticized NFL mock drafts for their anti-American, anti-Christian viewpoints, and now they finally have an answer: On March 4, the National Review Online released the first ever Conservative Mock Draft, which forecasts the draft without the “clear left leaning bias” of its liberal counterparts.

NRO editor Kathryn Jean Lopez said the Conservative Mock Draft offers a “much needed alternative” to others of its ilk.

“For millions of Americans, reading a mock draft from Sports Illustrated, ESPN.com, or the dozens of other left-leaning sports publications is an exercise in frustration,” Lopez told The Washington Post today. “For instance, most mock drafts completely ignore the fact that Brady Quinn attended a Roman Catholic university. By ignoring that elephant in the room, they are revealing their anti-Christian bias. Our version puts that fact front and center, and also notes that under Saddam Hussein, one could be executed for simply thinking about football.”

Lopez also details the failed attempts on the part of conservative football fans to lodge complaints about liberal mock drafts.

“I know I personally have emailed several of these publications to point out the slanted tone of their mock drafts, and have been dismissed at every turn,” said Lopez. “I contacted one website which called Jamarcus Russell a ‘genetic freak’ who ‘represents the next step in the evolution of the quarterback position.’ Well okay, fine, some people believe in evolution, but there are millions of other Americans who don’t. Why aren’t they represented? Also, why isn’t there anything about Hillary Clinton being a cunt? Apparently this is what passes for objective journalism these days.”

Below are some sample entry from the Conservative Mock Draft:

“Pick #11: San Francisco 49ers – The Niners need d-line help and are rumored to be interested in Louisville Senior Amobi Okoye, who originally hails from Nigeria, a country popular with Islamic Fundamentalists. He’s probably going to try and blow up the Niners stadium in his first game. Don’t say we didn’t warn you, sodomites.”

“Pick #18: Cincinnati Bengals – Nick Tyler, senior golfer from Texas Christian University, is the perfect fit for the Bengals, as he is a devout Christian who has never been in trouble with the law and is an outspoken opponent of racial quotes and the welfare system.”

Creators of alleged left-leaning mock drafts have been puzzled by the right’s criticisms and insist that any perceived bias for or against a particular ideology is purely coincidental. In fact, many claim to be uninterested in politics altogether.

“I don’t know much about politics or religion or any of that crap,” said Jonathan Dwyer, of the draft website, NFLdraftpreview.com. “So when I started getting emails from these right wing people accusing me of a media bias, I was confused. One guy told me I was disrespecting the Bible by calling Brett Favre an ‘old dinosaur’ because the Bible does not mention dinosaurs. Hey, you can believe what you want to believe, just don’t drag me into it. All I care about is who my beloved Giants are taking in the draft. See, it's called having your priorities in order.”

But conservatives aren’t asking the media to promote their agenda, Lopez says. They’re simply asking for balanced reporting and a fair representation of the diverse views of America.

“All we’re saying is they need to provide both sides to the argument,” said Lopez. “Yet you won’t find any of that in these liberal mock drafts. It’s just left-leaning football. Well, our mock draft is right leaning. It does, however, share one common trait with the lefties’ draft: It’s completely inaccurate and a colossal waste of everyone’s time.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.