US Strikes Blow Against Communism By Banning Cuban Baseball Team

WASHINGTON, DC--The mighty hand of freedom struck a blow against communism Tuesday when the United States Treasury Department banned Cuba from playing in the inaugural World Baseball Classic. The ban is expected to bring the Castro regime to its knees and eliminate, once and for all, totalitarianism, oppression, and injustice.

US lawmakers called the decision “historic.”

“This will send a message to the world that the United States stands firm against tyranny,” said U.S. Rep. Lincoln Diaz-Balart (R-Miami), a congressmen who endorsed the ban. “The Castro regime is one of the most evil in the world and we must unite to rid the planet of this scourge. By banning the Cuban baseball team, we are upholding our embargo against Cuba. But it’s more than that. We are staring unblinkingly into the face of communism and saying ‘You can’t send your kids here to play baseball’ OK, so it’s not ‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.’ It’s pretty good, though.”

The embargo in question prohibits the US from entering into contracts in which Cuba or Cuban nationals have an interest. If the team were to play in the World Baseball Classic, Diaz-Balart warned, the proceeds would almost certainly go directly to the Cuban government.

“We cannot—we will not—give money to the government of Cuba,” he said. “Cuba is a state sponsor of terrorism. What kind of message would we be sending if we lifted our embargo? That it’s OK to oppress human rights? That it’s OK to stifle free market economy? By vetoing their appearance in the WBC, we’re sending the world a message that we won’t tolerate any countries with ideologies different than ours, especially dirt poor ones.”

Major League Baseball is still trying to get the government to reverse its decision, arguing that Cuba has some of the best players in the world and excluding them would hurt the credibility of the WBC.

“We’re hoping that the government reverses position on this one,” said Gene Orza, baseball’s chief operating officer. “The Cuban baseball team is one of the best in the world and it would be wrong to have a so-called ‘Word Baseball Classic’ without one. On the other hand, communism is a global menace and I certainly wouldn’t want to contribute to that. Is there any way we can just let them play and then refuse to pay them, and then detain them indefinitely afterwards? That would solve a lot of our problems right there.”

Orza will not announce a replacement team until he has exhausted all attempts to change the government’s mind.

“We plan on going through the appropriate channels to address the government’s concerns,” he said. “I think we can work out some sort of compromise. The US government is nothing if not flexible.”

Meanwhile, the Castro regime is reeling from the announcement and some officials are wondering if the regime, and communism in general, can survive.

“Oh, another savage blow from the Americans!” cried one government official. “This administration is so vigilant! I guess we’ll have to wait for a weaker, possibly democratic, administration to take over in 2008 before we will we finally be able to infiltrate America and enslave the capitalist pigs. How I long for the days of the America-hating Clinton administration. These conservatives are just too resolute.”

A spokesman from the Treasury Department said it was complying with an embargo that has been in place nearly fifty years, and denied that the ban was an attempt to destabilize the Cuban government.

“This embargo has simply been part of US policy for years and we are not about to violate it now,” spokeswoman Molly Millerwise said in an email to the Associated Press. “Don’t knock it, either. Remember, keeping the Cubans away gives the Americans a better chance at winning the tournament. Now all we have to worry about is the Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, Venezuelans, and Panamanians. Oh, and the Japanese, too. And the Mexicans. If you ask me, there are way too many foreigners in this competition, anyway."