CHICAGO--The Chicago Cubs, owners of a 34-54 record, are currently 14.5 games out of first place and appear ready to blow-up their overpriced team and start rebuilding. By contrast, the Florida Marlins, owners of the lowest payroll in baseball, have a chance to make the playoffs as a wild card and possibly secure a 3rd trip to the World Series in their 11 year history.

The Cubs have spent the last century desperately striving for a championship, and announced today that they would punch somebody in the head if the Marlins win one again this year.

“Dude, I am going to punch someone in the head if the goddamn Marlins win the World Series again this year,” said GM Jim Hendry. “Imagine seeing those idiots stumble ass backward into another World Series after we’ve spent millions of dollars and jumped through every hoop imaginable just to get into the playoffs? Those guys are like the Forrest Gump of baseball, and we’re like…well, like the Chicago Cubs of baseball.”

Hendry thinks the Cubs should take a page out of Florida’s book next season and start over with a group of cheap young prospects. Even if the team is bad, at least it will be cheap.

“Apparently blowing everything up and grabbing a bunch of nobody prospects is the way to go,” Hendry said. “The Marlins got rid of pretty much every player on their team who was making a decent amount of money. They actually tried to get worse. Think about that. If they win it this year, someone is getting their head slammed in my car door about 50 times. Actually maybe I should just ask someone else to do it to me. That would be more appropriate.”

Another Cub who has vowed to punch somebody if the Marlins win it all is manager Dusty Baker. Since winning the division title in 2003, Baker has endured two-plus season of turmoil and injury, much of which has been blamed on him.

“It’s been a hellish few years here for me and all I’ve tried to do is win ball games,” said Baker, who is likely in his last season with the Cubs. “Why are things so hard for some teams and so easy for other teams? Maybe we just want it too much. You know when you’re in a bar and you see a hot chick and you’re totally pining for her and she can sense the desperation and she’s turned off by it, and then some other guy walks over who doesn’t give a shit and acts like he doesn’t care if she lives or dies and he ends up walking out with her? No? Um…me neither. I’m a married man. But I bet it’s annoying.”

The Marlins were roundly criticized in the offseason when they held a fire sale to unload some of their most productive players in favor of young, cheap prospects. Owner Jeffrey Loria openly admitted to dismantling the team because of an uncertain future in South Florida. Now, he may be printing up playoff tickets.

“Heh, what do you know? We’re actually winning,” said a smiling Loria, his feet propped up on his desk. “It’s amazing isn’t it? We could be in the playoffs. We got a guy, Dan Uggla, from the Rule 5 draft, and he’s one of the best rookies in baseball right now. He just dropped into our lap. We were like ‘Whatever. Throw him into the starting lineup. It doesn’t matter.’ I guess it did matter. This guy is gold, and what's more, he’s going to bring us a couple of really strong prospects when we trade him in the offseason.”

Since 1993, the Marlins have won two World Series championships. That’s two more than the Cubs have won since 1908. While there may not be another one in the cards for 2006, the Marlins have all the pieces in place for an extended run of success, something the Cubs can only dream of.

“We have so many good young players I can’t even keep track of them all,” said manager Joe Girardi. “Imagine if won the World Series this year? I would feel so sorry for the Cubs. I’d feel sorry for the Marlins, though, too. After a while, winning the World Series could become devalued. It wouldn’t even mean anything anymore. There would be nothing to strive for. Talk about depressing. When will this cursed franchise ever catch a break?”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.