NEW YORK--Newly acquired centerfielder Johnny Damon has already forged a friendship with Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez in the short time he has been in New York. The two regularly eat dinner together and have frequented popular Manhattan night spots together with their wives. Damon admitted to being disappointed, however, when he learned that Rodriguez and his wife, Cynthia, do not swing.

“I always figured Alex and his wife would be the kind of people that like to, you know, have a good time with other couples,” said Damon, who signed a four-year, $52 million contract with the Yankees in December. “Michelle and I have been out with them a few times and they seemed really cool like that. But for whatever reason they’re not into it. I kind of feel stupid for bringing it up now. I hope they don’t think me and my wife are perverts or something. We just like to have a good time.”

Damon recalled broaching the subject at a dinner at a trendy restaurant on Manhattan’s upper west side. The two couples had a few drinks and seemed to be hitting it off quite well, which gave Damon the wrong idea.

“It was last Saturday night. Michelle, me, Alex and Cynthia were enjoying a nice dinner together,” he said. “The night moved along and we all were feeling a little lightheaded from all the cocktails. We were laughing, joking, flirting – just having an all around good time. At that point Alex excused himself to go to the bathroom and I stood up to join him. I knew this would be the perfect opportunity to bring ‘it’ up.”

Damon admitted to being apprehensive, but decided to throw caution to the wind and ask the question.

“We were standing at the sink and I just said. ‘Boy your wife and my wife seem to be hitting it off,’ and he said ‘Yea, they’re like two peas in a pod.’ Then I said ‘So, you guys like to party?’ He just shrugged and said he guessed so. Then I asked him, point blank, ‘Do you guys swing?’ He threw his head back and laughed at me. He thought I was joking. When he realized I was serious, he just said ‘no’, and hustled out of the bathroom. Ten minutes later they were paying the bill and out the door. I guess this is what I get for trying to be friendly.”

Since the incident in the bathroom, Rodriguez has distanced himself from Damon, and it appears their short-lived friendship is all but over. When reached for comment, A-Rod downplayed the rift.

“No, Johnny and I are friends. We get along just fine,” A-Rod said on Tuesday. “He’s a real good guy, and his wife, Michelle, she’s a nice lady. It’s just that, well, they’re a little different than us. They’re kind of wild. They have an ‘open’ relationship, whereas Cynthia and I are pretty conservative. I mean, not conservative politically or anything, but conservative in the fact that we don’t fuck other couples.”

Another prominent Yankee, Derek Jeter, defended A-Rod’s decision not to engage in swinging with Damon and his wife. He also said he wasn’t surprised that Damon broached the subject.

“That’s no shock to me at all,” Jeter said. “Johnny is a very creepy person and he’s always made me a little uncomfortable. He definitely strikes me as the kind of guy who would be – let’s see, how can I put this tactfully? – open to experimentation. I give A-Rod a lot of credit for saying no because, frankly, he seems like the kind of guy who would be open to experimentation, too.”

As word of Damon’s proposition spread to other players on the team, Damon’s social life began to disappear rapidly. Though he knows he committed a faux-pas, he feels he shouldn’t be ostracized by the rest of his teammates.

“People are a bit uncomfortable around me right now,” said Damon. “I really don’t know why. This is Manhattan, right? These are supposed to be hip, big-city people, right? Wrong. They probably think I’m gay or something because my wife and I are into swinging. Get bent, people. It’s not about being gay, it’s about having a fun. Man, who would’ve thought the New York Yankees would be so uptight?”


Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.











Damon Disappointed To Hear A-Rod Doesn’t Swing

January 31 , 2006 - Volume 2 Issue 28