HOUSTON--The 3-5 Houston Texans, unable to shake the malaise that has gripped them in recent weeks, have been searching for a spark to get them back on track. After a trip to fire-ravaged San Diego, in which they were routed by the inspired Chargers, many Houston players are hoping for their own natural disaster to galvanize the team.

“It would be nice to have some sort of hurricane or fire or something to bring us all together,” said quarterback Matt Schaub. “I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt, of course, but a few billion in property damage and maybe a small refugee crisis would definitely galvanize us. Right now we’re just going through the motions out there. Come on! Let’s do this for Houston! See, that would work a lot better if the city was lying in ruins right now, but God forbid we catch a break like that.”

Schaub cited the San Diego Chargers' performance on Sunday as proof that natural disasters can be very effective motivational tools.

“The Chargers came out and whipped our asses in the same week that their entire region was ravaged by wildfires,” said Schaub. “Did you see how galvanized they looked? I’ve never seen such galvanization. By contrast, our locker room was like a funeral. If we could just have natural disaster, we could band together and march to the playoffs, where we could face the Chargers and see once and for all what happens when two galvanized teams meet head to head. I predict a scoreless tie.”

The Texans started off the season by winning their first two games, but have since gone 1-5. Schaub, their newly acquired quarterback, hasn’t looked much better than his predecessor David Carr. Now he’s on the sidelines with an injury.

Backup QB Sage Rosenfels takes the reigns this week, but even he admitted to being less than optimistic.

“It’s been a tough season and we’re all kind of dragging right now,” Rosenfels said. “I’ve never seen a more uninspired group of players. It’s like we’re all resigned to the fact that we stink and have no hope. Me? I don’t even want to play on Sunday. I've grown to hate this stupid game.”

When asked if a natural disaster could help galvanize the team, Rosenfels had this to say:

“It definitely wouldn’t hurt. I mean at least it would shake us out of our doldrums a little. We do live in an area prone to hurricanes, but I think it would be cooler to have a volcano eruption cover the entire city in lava. Just thinking about it is making me pumped up. Yea! Rising from the ashes! Whoo!

“Ah, forget it. There's no volcanoes around here. This area of the country is so lame.”

Coach Gary Kubiak doesn’t share the same pessimistic view as his players. He does, however, believe that players should be self-motivated and not have to rely on outside circumstances to light a fire under them.

“I think we just need to execute better out there,” said Kubiak. “We need guys who want to play, who want to learn, and who want to go out there and stomp the living shit out of people every week. That should be your motivation. Either that, or you can just think about the fact that your contracts aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on and we can cut you in a moment’s notice.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.