MILWAUKEE--The Los Angeles Dodgers started the season on the wrong foot Monday, losing to the Milwaukee Brewers 7-1. Though their hitters were completely shut down by starter Ben Sheets, and their own starter allowed six runs, many players in the Dodgers clubhouse put the loss squarely on the shoulders of departed outfielder J.D. Drew.

“I’d be lying if I said J.D. didn't have some role in this loss,” said second baseman Jeff Kent, who smacked a home run in the second inning despite playing with Drew last season. “The guy was just lazy, unmotivated, and selfish. It infected the whole team last year, and clearly nothing’s changed. I’m just glad he left when he did. If he stuck around any longer, we might have had to contract the team.”

During his time with the Dodgers, Drew was known as an injury prone, self centered malcontent. Despite playing in 146 games and driving in 100 runs, many of his teammates admitted they were happy to see him go when he opted out of his $55 million contract.

Sadly, his legacy of shittiness still hangs over the Dodgers like a shitty shroud.

“Goddamn J.D. Drew. I really hate that guy,” said pitcher Derek Lowe. “I could feel his death grip around my neck with every pitch I threw. It was like he was whispering in my ear, 'You suck. You're worthless. Just give up.' Bastard! Where does he get off saying I suck? He’s not even on the team anymore!”

“We could have used his bat, though,” Lowe added, “since all these gritty gamers we have could barely manage to get the ball out of the infield.”

Even the mild mannered Grady Little took a few shots at Drew during his post game press conference.

“Is J.D. responsible for his loss? Yes and no,” Little said. “I mean, he’s not on our team anymore, so it’s not really physically possible for him to lose a game for us. On the other hand, he did a lot of damage while he was here and that damage is lasting. I don’t think Ben Sheets could have retired 22 batters in a row if J.D. didn’t mess up our clubhouse chemistry last year. And I don’t think Derek would have been roughed up so bad, either. Hell, I don’t even think I would have left Pedro in for too long in 2003 if it wasn’t for him. Okay, that’s a bit of a stretch.”

In addition to being lackadaisical in the field, Drew was also a lying, backstabbing con artist, who opted out of the last three years of his contract after claiming to be “really happy” in Los Angeles.

GM Ned Colletti confessed to being shocked by Drew’s decision.

“I was totally blind sided by that one,” Colletti said. “We jumped through hoops to make him feel comfortable, and then he just up and left. It’s crazy. I’ve never encountered a player who was so self-centered. It’s like he wanted to make a bunch of money and just went and did it. Ah, it doesn’t matter anyway. The guy couldn’t even stay on the field. He kept sitting out with all these mysterious ‘aches and pains.’ Like, all the time. Who does he think he is, Nomar Garciaparra?”

Over in Boston, the Red Sox are already experiencing the horrors of having J.D. Drew on their team. On opening day, they lost to the lowly Kansas City Royals by a score of 7-1. The Dodgers also lost 7-1. Coincidence? Probably, says Terry Francona.

“I don’t think we lost today because of J.D. Drew,” Francona said. “He actually played fine today. He had a hit and a walk. I’ve heard a lot of complaints about the guy from his past teammates, but honestly, I think it’s all overblown. How bad can he possibly be? At the very worst, he’ll be a slightly unmotivated 100 RBI guy. If he’s too much of a dick, we’ll just deal with it ‘in-house,’ which means we’ll have Jason Varitek hold him while David Ortiz knees him in the groin a few times. Don't laugh. It worked wonders with Curt Schilling.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.