Elijah Dukes Providing Killer Instinct Rays Have Been Lacking

TAMPA--Since their inception in 1998, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays have been perennial doormats in the AL East, lacking the swagger and confidence necessary to beat the top teams in the division. That all may be changing now, as rookie outfielder Elijah Dukes is bringing a new killer instinct to the team that's starting to rub off on the entire clubhouse.

“Elijah really has a killer instinct that he brings to the ballpark every day,” said Rays manager Joe Maddon. “The fact that he actually threatened to kill his wife helps a lot, too, because it shows he’s really, legitimately nuts. He’s like a less sophisticated version of Albert Belle, without the GPS. That’s the kind of thing we’ve been lacking for a long time. I just hope he doesn’t go to jail or anything, because then we’ll have to get our killer instinct from Delmon Young, and all he has is a minor case of the crazies. That’s not going to get it done.”

Since 1998, Dukes has been arrested six times on various charges, including marijuana possession and assault. Earlier this month, his wife filed a restraining order against him after he threatened the lives of her and her children.

Still, the Rays are keeping him in the lineup because of his power and versatility.

“Elijah brings so much to the table,” said Rays GM Andrew Friedman. “He is a five-tool player with a knack for coming up with the big hit. We frown on his actions off the field, of course, but we’re still going to keep him in our lineup, mostly because we’re afraid to tell him he’s suspended. Sorry, I don’t have a death wish. He’ll probably be here until the cops come in and drag him away.”

There are signs that Duke’s killer instinct has been rubbing off on the rest of the team. During Monday night’s game against the Detroit Tigers, the Rays scored two runs in the bottom of the ninth inning against closer Todd Jones to secure a dramatic, walk-off victory. The winning run was driven home by none other than Dukes himself.

“Thanks to Elijah, this team will never say die,” said first baseman Carlos Pena. “When we were down in the ninth inning, we weren’t worried at all because we have swagger now and we don’t get intimidated by situations like that. We were all in the dugout going ‘Yea!’ and ‘Motherfucker!’ and ‘Take it to the house!’ By contrast, there was Sean Casey on the other side thinking about which soup kitchen he was going to visit after the game.”

“Oh, I know they have Gary Sheffield over there,” he continued, “but come one. Is he really that intimidating? Has he ever actually done anything other than say pissy things to sportswriters? Elijah doesn’t just shoot his mouth off. He walks the walk. I remember when he first joined the team, he beat up one of our clubhouse boys for handing him a Coke instead of a Sprite. The kid almost died. That sent a message right there. That set the tone for our whole season.”

The only drawback to having Dukes on the team may be his sub par batting average. As of Tuesday, May 29th, Dukes was hitting only .225. But Maddon attributes his struggles at the plate to nothing more than growing pains.

“He’s not hitting too well, but that’s to be expected from a young, inexperienced player,” he said. “Eventually he’ll come around. As for that off the field stuff, I think it’s just a sign of immaturity. The important thing for him now is to develop into the best baseball player he can be. Otherwise, we won't be able to tolerate his criminal behavior. That's not what this organization is about.”

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