Montreal Expos Ordered To Play Rest Of Season In Spiderman Suits

MONTREAL--Now that Major League Baseball has decided against placing Spiderman logos on the bases, the commissioner’s office is looking for other innovative ways to incorporate advertising into the game. After huddling together over the weekend, Selig and chief operating officer Bob Dupuy have come up with a bold new idea: Order the Montreal Expos to play the rest of the season in Spiderman suits.

“This is just another innovative and creative way for us to incorporate advertising into the game of baseball,” said Dupuy. “We understand why fans did not want to see logos on bases. People love tradition. Since the Montreal Expos have no tradition, we thought it would be fine to stick them in Spiderman suits for the rest of the season. Who the hell is going to protest? It’s the goddamn Expos.”

Selig pointed out that the new marketing strategy would bring much-needed revenue to the team and help the league reach out to a younger demographic.

“The Expos will receive 3 million dollars from this promotion, which means they can finally buy gloves and bats for all nine players,” said Selig. “And this also helps us tap into that youth market. You know, the huge market of young children who follow the Montreal Expos.”

Earlier this week, each member of the Expos was fitted for his very own Spiderman costume, just like the one worn by Toby McGuire in the upcoming Spiderman 2. They played their first game in the new uniforms yesterday in a game against the New York Mets, and they got rave reviews—from Columbia pictures marketing president Geoffrey Ammer.

“Wow, what a great idea this was,” said Ammer. “Just seeing nine Spideys out there playing their butts off is an inspiration. Just imagine the publicity we’ll generate from this wonderful partnership. There were eight people in the stands last night. If they tell their friends, and their friends tell their friends, and so on, we could reach up to 64 people.”

The game was quite a sight, indeed. During the third inning, the Mets Mike Piazza hit a ground ball to Spiderman at shortstop, who flipped it to Spiderman at second base, who then relayed it back to Spiderman at first base, ending the inning for the Mets. Even Piazza was impressed with the display.

“I’ve always wondered what Spiderman would look like turning a double play, and now I know,” said Piazza. “Why have I always wondered that? Um…you really don’t want to know. Trust me.”

The players themselves have not been enamored with the decision to play in the Spiderman suits. Some of them have complained of discomfort, lack of vision, and itching. Catcher Einar Diaz, who has to crouch everyday in the suit, says they are a disruption and a distraction, and should be done away with.

“These things are really uncomfortable. It’s hard to see, too,” he said. “As a catcher, vision is the most important thing. When those Tomo Ohka fastballs are coming at you, you have to be ready. Actually, you don’t. He throws like 83 mph.”

Shortstop Jose Vidro said the thing that most bothers him about the Spiderman suits is the appearance.

“I look like a fag,” said Vidro. “Look at me. I’m wearing tights. My package is bulging out like a goddamn ballerina. In Venezuela, they would kill a man for wearing something like this, and then go after his family. Fortunately, I’m from Puerto Rico.”

In addition to wearing the uniforms on the field, the players are also required to wear them for public appearances, practices, and team meetings. The only time they will be allowed to remove the uniforms is when they are in the privacy of their own homes.

“It’s one thing to make us wear them during the games, but to make us wear them all over the place is just wrong," said first basemen Nick Johnson. “Just yesterday I was doing a charity event at a local children’s hospital, and I had to wear my Spiderman suit. What a pain in the ass. The kids were excited, though. They though I was actually Spiderman. When they found out who I really was they all started crying. God I hate this team. By the way, if you see Derek Jeter, tell him to call me.”

Some players, however, said they didn’t mind wearing the suits in public. Pitcher Brad May explained that Spiderman is a lot more popular than the Montreal Expos.

“When I do an autograph session in my Spidey suit, I always get a huge crowd and everyone loves me,” he said. “When I do one in my Expos uniform, people mostly just spit on me and try to stab me with their pens.”

Selig and Dupuy aren’t paying much attention to the players’complaints. In fact, according to Selig, the players should be happy that they are only being asked to wear the costumes. The original plan was much more demanding but was scrapped at the last minute, much to the chagrin of Columbia studio execs.

“The original plan actually involved having our Expos players, um…how can I put this? It involved them orally satisfying the Spiderman producers, along with several Columbia Pictures studio heads,”said Selig. “That was the first thing they asked for, and we seriously considered it. As you know, we are always open to new and creative ways to work together with advertisers and sponsors. In the end, though, we thought it might go against the collective bargaining agreement, which clearly states that no baseball player should be forced to perform sex acts against their will for the purpose of pleasing sponsors. Goddamn spoiled crybabies. Just think, there are regular people out there who have to fellate their bosses every day just to get a small pay raise. But that’s why ballplayers can no longer relate to the general public. They’re too pampered.”