Kordell Stewart Narrowly Edges Stephen Hawking For Ravens Backup Job

BALTIMORE--Ravens fans expressed shocked and disappointment Friday upon learning that Kordell Stewart had narrowly edged physicist Stephen Hawking for the team’s backup quarterback job. Both men were invited to try out after starter Kyle Boller went down last Sunday, and after days of deliberation, the team selected Stewart.

According to coach Brian Billick, Hawking edged Stewart in several categories, including decision making, timing, and accuracy, but Stewart held the edge in the crucial category of not being in a wheelchair.

“It was a tough call. Both guys came in here and worked their butts off,” Billick said on Friday. “I really have to tip my cap to Stephen. He outdid Kordell in a number of categories and there were many times that he looked more poised in the pocket. Unfortunately it came down to mobility. Stephen just took way too many sacks. Plus it freaked everyone out when he shouted out his signals with that electronic voice box.”

Despite his shortcomings, Hawking was very close to winning the starting job.

“Stephen definitely had a lot of holes in his game, but when you put him up against Kordell, he matches up pretty good.” Billick said. “Sure he missed his share of receivers but he didn’t throw too many interceptions. Most of his balls just fluttered harmlessly to the ground at the feet of the receiver. Stewart’s, on the other hand, made a beeline directly to the chest of the defender. I guess the difference between the two can be summed up like this: Hawking throws like a girl, and Stewart throws like a really stupid man.”

Hawking, author of A Brief History of Time, has returned to his work in the field of quantum physics. He is a bitter man, however, and believes he was cheated out of the backup quarterback job.

“I’ve suffered some indignities in my life, but nothing as bad as this,” Hawking said. “I think I might be the first person in history to lose out to Kordell Stewart. I couldn’t even show my face in front of my colleagues at the Royal Society. They were like ‘Hey, here comes the big loser who’s not even good enough to beat Kordell Stewart.’ I suppose they are right. I really am ashamed of myself. Perhaps some day I will unlock the secret to time travel and prevent that whole thing from ever happening.”

Hawking did make a couple of plays, though he was forced to use unconventional methods. He believes that creativity makes him a more valuable quarterback then Kordell Stewart.

“Hey they can’t say I didn’t make any plays at all,” said Hawking. “I made one or two. I even rushed for a touchdown, when Jonathan Ogden got behind my wheelchair and pushed me through the defensive line. It was a rough ride, but I didn't mind, except that I lost that little piece of paper I had on me with the unifying theory of the universe scribbled on it. It’s taken me decades to figure that out. I was planning to present it to the US National Academy of Sciences next week, shocking the world and forever altering our perceptions of space, time, and the meaning of life. So if anyone finds a piece of paper with the unifying theory of the universe on it, let me know.”

Until Kyle Boller returns, the Ravens will take the field with Anthony Wright as their starting quarterback, with Stewart on the sidelines ready to play back up. Needless to say, everyone on the team is keeping their fingers crossed that nothing happens to Wright.

“If any harm comes to that gentlemen, whoa is us,” said tight end Todd Heap. “Anthony is the only thing standing between us and Kordell Stewart. I guess it would’ve been pretty rough having to play with a guy in a wheelchair, but still, I think if they gave him a chance, Stephen could’ve contributed more than Kordell. At the very least he wouldn’t have thrown as many interceptions. Plus he talks like a robot. It’s fucking cool.”

If his teammates are skeptical, Stewart himself remains as confident as ever. The 33-year-old has kept himself in tip-top shape and is ready to step in and carry the team.

“Hey, you know, I’ve been in this situation before,” Stewart told reporters at his locker. “I know the offense, I know plays, I’ve seen it all. I was confident that I could beat out Stephen Hawking if I just brought my ‘A’ game, and that’s exactly what I did. Now, I’m setting my sights on the starting job. No, seriously, don’t laugh. All I have to do is beat out Kyle Boller and Anthony Wright. You think Jim Fassel gives a shit anymore? That guy’s dying to get fired.”