Mike Martz Pumps Up Team By Quitting

ST LOUIS, OH--Rams coach Mike Martz has employed a variety of methods to pump up his players this year, but none so effective as the one he used on Tuesday, when he told his team he was stepping down as head coach, effective immediately. The team responded with chest bumps, cheering, and even some tears of joy.

“Whoooo! Yes! Yes, motherfucker!” shouted cornerback Jerametrius Butler. “We are going all the way, baby! Oh, we’re finally rid of that weirdo. Seriously I didn’t think it would ever happen. We are so lucky. Yes! We will protect this house!”

Martz has been criticized in the past for his unusual play calling and condescending personality. While players have publicly supported him, there has been dissension behind the scenes. Though Martz is regarded as an offensive mastermind, he has also been ridiculed for poor clock management and a lack of organization. Simply put, the team couldn’t wait to see him go.

“This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, personally or professionally,” said veteran running back Marshall Faulk, who has seen his playing time diminish in recent years. “I know I never said anything publicly, but Mike was a horrible, horrible coach. Just look at some of the decisions he makes. Look at the clock management. It’s an embarrassment. Now we’ve got a new life, a second wind. All we need now is a defense.”

Hours after the announcement was made, Rams players were still celebrating in the locker room. Loud music and shouts of joy could be heard echoing down the hallways of the their practice facility as the players celebrated the end of the Mike Martz era. At one point offensive lineman Kyle Turley stood up to address his teammates.

“Listen up, everyone! I wanna say something here,” he said. “We’ve been through some tough times over the past couple years and now we’ve finally caught a break. This is our time now. If this doesn’t pump you up, you shouldn’t even bother showing up to play next week. We’ve made it this far now we’re going to take it to the house baby! We’re gonna play some Ram football! Actually, we’re not gonna play some Ram football. We’re gonna play the kind of football that normal teams play. We’re gonna play normal football! Yea!”

According to team president John Shaw, defensive coordinator Larry Marmie will serve as interim coach until the team is eliminated from the playoffs. Marmie takes over a team bubbling over with intensity and energy, ready to take on—and beat—the Seattle Seahawks.

“I’ve never seen this team so excited and confident,” Marmie told reporters Tuesday night. “These guys are like a bunch of caged animals right now. They’re dying to get out there and hit somebody. I think coach Martz deserves a lot of credit for this. He really knows how to push the right buttons to get his team ready to play. Obviously resigning really did the trick. Hell, even I’m pumped up. Boo yea! Are the dogs in the house? I said are the dogs in the house, and if so, are they pumped up? OK, I’m not very good at this.”

The news of Martz’s resignation sent shockwaves through the league, especially in Seattle, where the Seahawks are now faced with the task of playing a fired up Rams team.

“What the fuck? Martz resigned? Right before the playoffs? Can he do that?” asked Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck. “Oh, man, we were expecting to play a Mike Martz coached team. Our game plan was to just take a knee every time until the Rams did something stupid and shot themselves in the foot. Now we’re going to have to go out there and win this thing ourselves. I gotta give Martz credit, though. He really is a great motivator. I only wish our coach, Mike Holmgren, would do something similar to pump us up, like jump into Puget Sound and disappear forever.”