Maryland Fan’s Entire Life Dedicated To Distracting JJ Redick

COLLEGE PARK, MD--Liz Mercer, University of Maryland sophomore and die-hard Terps fan, has dedicated her entire life to distracting and tormenting Duke point guard JJ Redick. From chanting obscenities during games to prank calling Redick on his cell phone, Mercer will stop at nothing to get into Redick’s head.

“My whole life, every fiber of my being, is dedicated to distracting and tormenting JJ Redick,” said the 20-year-old Mercer. “I don’t even sleep anymore. If I have a free night I spend it devising new ways to make his life miserable. It’s a difficult calling, but a noble one. If I don’t do it, then JJ will never know that he’s an asshole and we hate him. So if you’re reading this, JJ, everyone in Maryland thinks you’re an asshole and hates you.”

Mercer first caught a glimpse of Redick during a game in College Park last year. She was irritated by the prolonged follow-through on his jump shots, as well as his outgoing personality on the court. Soon enough, Redick was under her skin.

“I was sitting there thinking what a cocky jerk he was,” said Mercer, who attended the game with several friends. “Just looking at him makes me sick, and I’m not the only one who feels that way. Every single person in the whole building was chanting ‘Redick sucks’ and ‘Fuck you, JJ’ The people behind the basket waved these inflatable thingys whenever he went to the free throw line. Man, it was funny. You could tell he was rattled, too, even though he put up 30 points that night.”

Earlier this year a fellow student acquired Redick’s cell phone number and passed it out to attendees of a frat party. Mercer and dozens of others spent the entire evening prank calling the Duke guard.

“I don’t know how that guy got his cell phone number, but it was really cool,” Mercer said. “We were in the middle of this party and the next thing you know everyone was sitting there calling Redick. As soon as I got the number I found a quiet room and just started calling over and over again. He wasn’t picking up, so I kept leaving voice mails. I was like ‘Fuck you, JJ! I hate you! You’re such a loser!’ After a while I looked at the clock and realized it was dawn. I had been up all night obsessively calling JJ Redick. I thought there might be something wrong with me but then I realized no, there’s something wrong with him. He’s an asshole, remember?”

Mercer was not a basketball fan when she arrived at the University of Maryland last year. Hailing from Boise , Idaho, she had very little exposure to the game she would eventually grow to love. But in her first three months at Maryland she would learn all she needed to know about the Terps and their enemies.

“When I first got here, I was like ‘What’s basketball?’” she laughed. “I can’t believe how stupid I was. I didn’t even know what a dickhead Mike Krzyzewski was or how stupid and ugly Duke fans were. But worst of all, I had no idea how much I hated JJ Redick. I hate you, JJ! I hate you and your stupid, smug face! I hope he’s reading this, so he knows that Liz Mercer from Boise hates him.”

Maryland defeated the Blue Devils Saturday night in a home game that saw Redick go 5 for 19 from the floor. So Terp fans are happy for now, but that doesn’t mean they’ll stop harassing the man they love to hate. Mercer and her friends plan to continue their campaign of terror against Redick for the duration of his college career.

“That was so awesome when we kicked their asses Saturday night,” said Mercer. “You could tell JJ was totally distracted by us all night, especially when he was throwing the ball inbounds and I called him a faggot. We’ve got other things planned for him, too. This guy I know says he can get his email address and we’re just gonna send like hundreds of emails to him telling him what a jerk he is. We’re going to fill up his whole inbox, even if it takes all night. Then I’m going to seek professional help.”

Redick is seen as a villain throughout the ACC. While Maryland is his team’s archival, he is derided by opposing fans everywhere he goes, something that puzzles the junior point guard.

“Everywhere I go people seem to hate me,” said Redick, the Blue Devils leading scorer. “I don’t understand it. It doesn’t bother me, though. I actually think it’s kind of funny. They heap so much attention of me it’s like they’re obsessed with me. Don’t they realize they’re just making themselves looks stupid and pathetic? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Duke fans are the most level headed and well adjusted people out there. Like all college basketball fans, they’re complete pricks. But this article isn't about Duke fans, is it?”