NEW YORK--After a whirlwind day of wheeling and dealing, the New York Mets landed themselves two solid starters and a relief pitcher in a dramatic attempt to revamp their pitching staff. When the smoke cleared, however, it was revealed they had accidentally sent minor league star Lastings Milledge, their most valuable trading chip, to three different teams: the Chicago White Sox, Florida Marlins, and San Diego Padres.

GM Omar Minaya was embarrassed by his gaffe, and will spend the next few days trying to determine what went wrong.

“Every time we’ve explored a trade in the past two years, Lastings' name has come up,” Minaya said on Tuesday. “So when he finally became available after we signed Moises Alou, I just got confused and traded him all over the place. Now I’m going to have to untangle this mess, and figure out a way to keep those three pitchers I acquired. That’s going to be tricky, but I still have one ace in the hole: our number one farmhand, Lastings Milledge. No, wait. I already traded him. Dammit!”

According to Minaya, the details of the trades were as follows: Milledge to the White Sox straight up for Freddy Garcia; Milledge and right hander Jon Adkins to the Padres for Jake Peavy and a player to be named later; and Milledge and relief pitcher Aaron Heilman to the Marlins for lefty Dontrelle Willis.

Hours after the trades were completed, the GM’s on the other end of the deals began to suspect something was amiss.

“I knew there were a lot of rumors going around about Milledge, but I was under the impression we landed him,” said White Sox GM Kenny Williams. “In fact, I spoke personally to Omar and consummated this trade with him yesterday. But then a couple hours later I got a call from the Marlins offering me Milledge for a few pitching prospects. I told them I already had Milledge, so they sweetened the deal with some cash and a player to be named later. I don’t think they really got the point, but I signed off on the deal anyway and then spun Milledge over to the Devil Rays for a couple pitching prospects. So to sum up: I don’t know who the hell is on my team anymore, but I think I should be GM of the year.”

In San Diego, GM Kevin Towers got word of the mix-up just minutes before he was planning to notify the press of the Milledge acquisition. He immediately called Minaya and demanded an explanation.

“I was just getting ready to break the news about our blockbuster trade, when all of a sudden I see on the ESPN news ticker that the Mets had traded Milledge to the Marlins,” said Towers. “At first I thought it might be just some silly rumor, because it was prefaced with the word ‘source,’ which usually means ‘lie,’ but when I called the Marlins they confirmed the story. That’s when I called Omar to see what was up. He said there was a bit of a mix-up and that Lastings had been traded to three different teams, which complicated things because I had already flipped him to the Brewers for Bill Hall and a Derrick Turnbow. Now I’m starting to wish I kept Milledge. Apparently he’s one helluva bargaining chip.”

By Monday evening, the situation had become so complicated that the Commissioner’s office had to intervene. The ruling? Milledge should be sent to the first team that acquired him and all other deals should be canceled.

“Whoever had first dibs on Milledge should get to keep him,” said Commissioner Selig. “That’s the most sensible way to fix this mess. We need to find Lastings a permanent home so we can stop hearing his name every time a trade rumor surfaces. I think people just mention him out of habit now. I even heard his name bandied about over the summer, when the Atlanta Hawks were shopping Al Harrington.”

In keeping with Selig’s ruling, the Chicago White Sox will be the winners of the Lastings Milledge sweepstakes. Milledge, however, isn’t celebrating yet. The five-tool outfielder says he won’t be able to relax until he is wearing a White Sox uniform.

“Oh, I’m going to the White Sox now? Great,” he said. “I mean, it’s a great organization and I’d love to be a part of it, but I’m not counting my chickens yet. Hopefully they’ll show faith in me and keep me around. I might actually be able to help them on the field. Yes, on the field. You know, as a baseball player? Yea, that’s my job. I’m a 5-tool player, my friend, which means I can hit, throw, run, catch, and…I don’t know. I never really figured out what that 5th tool is. Maybe it’s being able to swindle other teams out of their starting pitchers.”   

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.