FT MYERS, FL--It’s spring training, which means every single player in major league baseball has lost 20 pounds and has arrived at camp with renewed focus and something to prove. The same thing happened last year and the year before that. No player has lost more or less than exactly 20 pounds.

“I had a very productive offseason and I’ve really got a chip on my shoulder coming into this year,” said Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, who arrived at camp this season 20 pounds lighter. “I’m just feeling a thousand times better than I did last season. I definitely feel like I have something to prove.”

The same could be said for all of Schilling’s teammates, according to manager Terry Francona.

“Everybody came in this year down 20 pounds with a renewed sense of focus,” he said. “The same thing happened last year. It’s uncanny. How can every player lose exactly 20 pounds every single offseason? It just goes to show you the commitment these guys have to dieting. Dropping 20 is a badge of honor that proves you have a winning attitude or you care about the team or something.”

In the National League, St Louis Cardinals pitcher Sidney Ponson showed up at camp noticeably thinner in an effort to improve on his disappointing 2005 season.

“I’m in better shape this year and my conditioning has improved and I’m ready to win some ball games for this team,” said Ponson, who came into last season 20 pounds lighter and with a renewed sense of commitment and registered an ERA of 6.21. “Conditioning has been a big problem for me in the past and I think I’ve addressed that problem. I feel better mentally, too. I really feel like I have something to prove. I have a – what do you call those things? – a chip. I have a chip on my shoulder, which means I may be horrible this year, but I'm not going to like it. ”

In addition to making players healthier and more competitive, the weight loss provides sportswriters a valuable angle to milk in the preseason. Every sportswriter in America takes advantage of this angle.

Said Sports Illustrated’s John Donovan: “Whenever I need a storyline for one of my spring training ‘post cards,’ I can always fall back on the old ‘He came into camp 20 pounds lighter with a renewed sense of focus’ angle. That old chestnut is the gift that keeps on giving, my friend. So what’s going on with Nomar Garciaparra this year? I won’t even torture you by saying it again but I think you all know that he lost a certain amount of pounds and has a renewed sense of something. Hey, sorry, but do you think its easy writing something interesting and informative about every fucking team? These are baseball players. They’re all pretty much the same.”

Doctors around the country are amazed at how baseball players can coordinate losing exactly 20 pounds each offseason. Many are skeptical about the claims, saying that it’s downright impossible for every player to lose exactly 20 pounds every season.

“Um…I smell a rat here,” said Dr James Baldwin, a specialist in sports medicine. “Is it possible that many players aren’t losing any weight at all, and also aren’t more motivated than usual, but are happy to play along with the generic storylines that the media generates because it makes them look good? I might be coming across as a skeptic here, but that’s only because I got a glimpse of Andruw Jones this spring. Yikes. If that guy lost one pound this offseason, then I’m Dr. Quinn, medicine woman.”

When reached for comment, Jones explained that he put on 40 pounds immediately after the end of last season and dropped 20 of it prior to the start of training camp. So technically, he did come into camp 20 pounds lighter than he was around Thanksgiving.

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.