PITTSBURGH--Since manager Lloyd McClendon was fired last winter, the Pittsburgh Pirates have undergone some significant changes, both in the clubhouse and on the field. The person charged with leading the young, inexperienced team is new manager Jim Tracy, who has ushered in a sense of pessimism and negativity that’s beginning to catch on around the clubhouse.

“A lot of times a new manager will bring a sense of optimism to a team, a sense of rebirth and renewal,” said shortstop Jack Wilson. “But this is a lot different. Jim has given us a sense of negativity and horror. The first thing he said to us on the first day of spring training was 'Let’s not even bother trying this year. We don't have a chance against the likes of the Cardinals and the Astros anyway.' Then he went home for the day.”

The next day, Tracy announced that he planned to be a lax, apathetic manager and would not require the players to work on their fundamentals or have more accountability.

“Jim is not into the whole ‘accountability’ thing like some other managers are,” said Wilson. “He’s not into getting us all fired up and making us pay attention to detail and removing the culture of losing. He’s just sitting there with this miserable, disinterested look on his face. Maybe it’s reverse psychology. But if that’s the case, he probably would’ve at least shown up the past couple days.”

When GM Dave Littlefield hired Tracy to manage the team, he expected an intelligent hard worker that would help his younger players reach their full potential. From the looks of it, he got the exact opposite.

“We wanted some fresh blood in here to give the team a renewed sense of purpose,” said Littlefield. “We thought Jim would come in here and refuse to accept losing, and light a fire under our players and all that bullshit. Instead it’s just gloom and doom around here. I guess I can’t blame him too much, because I did tell him we wanted a new atmosphere in the clubhouse and he has pretty much delivered that. Still, I don’t think telling the players that life is meaningless is going to provide much of a spark – even though it is pretty much meaningless. I mean, let’s face it. We’re all born to die, people.”

Around the Pirates clubhouse players can be seen moping around, stopping occasionally to chat with one another in hushed tones, and counting the days until the season ends. It’s a far cry from the sense of optimism and hope they were expecting when the team changed managers.

Said leftfielder Jason Bay: “This is bad. When Lloyd was here we weren’t very good, but we always had this sense that we could get better if we worked hard enough. Then they fired him and I thought ‘OK, time for a fresh start. Go Pirates!’ But now I just feel like it’s pretty pointless. I’ve lost my enthusiasm for the game. I’ve lost my will to live. But that’s what new managers can do for you, I guess.”

Tracy was signed to a 3-year deal with the Pirates, but sources within the organization say he may not last that long. That doesn’t seem to bother Tracy, who is all but daring the Pirates to fire him.

“Oh no, they’re going to fire me? Ask me if I care,” said Tracy, leaning against the dugout wall casually blowing a bubble. “This team is such a pile of shit it’s a wonder they haven’t been contracted yet. There’s just no chance for us to compete. What am I supposed to do, sit here and plot and scheme and coach and try to squeeze a few wins out of these misfits? And what if I did? Who on earth would even care? It’s all a big lie. And when the hell is this interview ending? I’m tired.”

Tracy then predicted that his team would “get a few lucky wins in the first half” and then “totally bottom out in the second half.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.