FOXBORO, MA-- The New England Patriots stymied the Jets once again Monday when they signed every available quarterback on the market in order to prevent the Jets from acquiring a replacement for the injured Chad Pennington. With backup Jay Fiedler also hurt, the Jets are left with Brooks Bollinger as their only quarterback.

Belichick told reporters Monday night that quarterbacks Jesse Palmer, Doug Johnson, Vinny Testaverde, Jonathan Quinn, and Quincy Carter were added to the team’s roster that afternoon.

“We just signed a few guys that we thought might be able to come in here and make a difference,” Belichick said. “We’ll check them out in practice, see what they can do, maybe get them some special teams work. It's a low risk situation, since we're paying them so little. Actually, we're not paying them anything at all. We put it right in the contract, in the bottom left hand corner of the last page, written in Latin. So they knew what they're getting themselves into.”

Belichick also cited the benefits of taking the quarterbacks off the market, so the Jets would have nowhere to turn.

“Obviously it helps our team to have the Jets without a quarterback,” he said. “That just takes away one of their weapons. They still have Brooks Bollinger, though. He’s a quality quarterback. He can do a lot of things. The Jets are definitely a team that can beat you in a lot of ways, and it’s still going to be a challenge for us to win the division, blah blah blah. You get the point. We’re going to bury them.”

Jets GM Terry Bradway said that he was just about to sign another quarterback when the Patriots yanked the rug out from under them.

“I was talking to Quincy Carter. I planned to fly out and see him first thing Tuesday morning,” he said. “Then I got a call from his agent saying that he just signed with the Patriots. I was confused, because I know the Patriots don’t need a quarterback. Then I called the rest of the guys on our list, and they all told me the same thing--they went to the Patriots. That’s when I realized exactly why they were doing this: the Patriots are going with a rare, 6-quarterback set on offense. Then somebody told me the real reason why they were doing it: because they didn’t want us to sign any quarterbacks. I don’t know. I still say they’re doing the 6-quarterback thing.”

Now it’s up to Herm Edwards to win games with Bollinger. He’ll be relying heavily on his defense and running game, and praying that nothing happens to his only quarterback.

“Our worst nightmare would be for Brooks to get injured,” said Edwards. “Then we would be stuck with no quarterback. This is the kind of stuff that happens when you are in the same division as the Patriots. They are such great strategists. Jets fans shouldn't despair, though. If it's any consolation, we weren't going to win the division with Chad anyway, or with any of those other stiffs the Patriots signed. At least now we can stop lying to ourselves.”

The four quarterbacks were signed by the Patriots to one-year deals at the veteran minimum. With the number of injuries the Patriots have suffered, they may be pressed into duty sooner rather than later. If that happens, it won’t necessarily be at quarterback.

“You can’t be on this team if you only do one thing,” said receiver Troy Brown, who was asked to play cornerback last season. “These guys will be plugging holes here and there where we need them. They’ll probably get some time on defense during passing downs. I think they’ll be good additions to the team. It’s a shame they had to cut me to make room for them.”

The most athletic quarterback of the three is Quincy Carter. Carter played for the Jets last year and almost signed with them this year, until the Patriots swooped in and got him.

“I definitely would’ve gone to the Jets if New England didn’t want me,” said Carter, who had a 98.2 QB rating last season in limited playing time. “But the Patriots offered me a contract right off the bat. They didn’t need to try me out or anything. I do feel sorry for the Jets, though. If Brooks Bollinger goes down, they’ve got nothing. If Jay Fiedler comes back from injury, that’s worse than nothing.”




Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.











Patriots Sign Every Available Quarterback After Pennington Gets Injured

September 27, 2005 - Volume 2 Issue 10