Doug Christie Insists Wife Be Allowed To Play Point Guard

DALLAS--Just six weeks after signing with the Dallas Mavericks, Doug Christie has issued a demand that his wife, Jackie, be allowed to play the point guard position. The team declined, explaining that Jason Terry is the point guard and his wife has no experience at the position anyway. Nonetheless, Christie is standing his ground.

“I’m asking that my wife, Jackie, be allowed to play point guard for the Dallas Mavericks this year,” said Christie, who signed with the team on August 18th. “She’s very athletic and she can handle the ball quite well. She doesn’t have to be the starter. I know that’s Jason’s job. But there’s no reason she can’t get some minutes here and there. My wife and I are very close and I would rather not be away from her for more than fifteen minutes at a time. I don't see what's so unreasonable about that. ”

Christie reassured Dallas fans that his wife would be able to direct the team and find the open man.

“Jackie and I have been working pretty hard all summer on getting her up to speed, and she looks great right now,” he said. “We have such a good, unspoken chemistry together that I have no doubt she’ll be able to find me in traffic. She can find me anywhere. I have a GPS tracker implanted in my brain.”

According to team sources, it was Jackie Christie who came up with the idea of playing point guard and decided to force the issue on the team. When reached for comment she denied coming up with the idea herself, but nonetheless expressed confidence that she could get the job done.

“I was not the instigator here. It was a decision that was made mutually between me and my husband,” she said during a telephone interview Monday. “Furthermore I know I can do the job. All you have to do is go out there and start dribbling around until you see somebody open. Then you throw it to them and they put it in that hoop thingie. Then, if they’re good husbands, they make some kind of hand signal to their wives, who are probably up in the stands drooling over my husband, the sluts.”

If Mrs. Christie is allowed to play point guard, that could make things difficult for several players on the team, including sharp shooter Dirk Nowitzki, who is concerned about her ability to get him the ball.

“I really don’t see Jackie as being a very capable point guard,” Nowitzki told reporters at a charity golf tournament yesterday. “I know all about her and Doug, and how they can’t stand to be away from each other more than five minutes at a time, but a decision like this could hurt the whole team. Doug has to stop being so selfish. Look, I've had plenty of clingy girls in my life. You know, the kind that want to do stuff with you? I always dump girls the minute they want to do stuff with me. I guess that’s why I can never keep a relationship going for very long.”

The Mavericks have stated unequivocally that Christie will not play point guard, and that she would have to follow the same rules and regulations as all the other player’s wives. That’s not sitting well with either of the Christie’s.

“My wife and I don’t abide by the same rules as everyone else,” Christie said. “We have a special relationship. I hope people can be understanding about that. When I signed with Dallas they told me they would accommodate me in any way they could. All I’m asking is that she get some minutes. Jesus, what’s the big deal? It’s Jason Terry we're talking about, not Bob Cousy.”

Mavericks owner Mark Cuban downplayed the rift between the team and the Christies. He said he expects Doug to be an important part of the team and his wife to be a spectator.

“Doug’s a big part of this team and he’s going to have a great year,” Cuban said. “I have a ton of respect for the guy and his wife. I admire them for being so close. I’m sure if he thinks about it, he can understand why she would not make a good point guard. We’ve already made some concessions by allowing her to travel on the team bus and follow Doug to the locker room. And we allowed her to administer polygraph tests to all the other wives to make sure they weren’t attracted to Doug. Even I had to take a polygraph, believe it or not. Anyone wanna guess how it came out?”