PHOENIX, AZ--The Diamondbacks’ Randy Johnson announced plans today to whine like a little bitch until someone trades him to the New York Yankees. Johnson has been pleading for a trade to his favorite team for the past two years, but management has been unable to oblige. According to his agent, if a deal is not completed in the next month, Johnson will embark on a campaign of bitching and moaning the likes of which the world has never seen.

“Whaaaaaa! Whaaaaaa! I wanna go to the Yankees!” yelled Johnson at a press conference yesterday. “I don’t care if I signed a contract to play for the Diamondbacks. I wanna be an overpaid mercenary and win a cheap, meaningless World Series trophy, and I wanna do it now! Whaaaaa!”

Johnson then jumped up and down, knocked over the podium, and stormed out of the room. His agent, Barry Meister, arrived moments later and reiterated his client’s stance.

“So to recap, Randy will whine like the bitch that he is until his trade demand is met,” said Meister, after picking the podium off the floor. “I’m sure you can all understand his desire to play for a contender and to win a World Series title. It’s his dream to play for the Yankees, and right now the Diamondbacks are standing in the way of that dream. Furthermore, I can’t listen to this guy whine anymore. It’s driving me nuts. He’s such a fucking woman. Trade him to the Yankees and save me the trouble of having to shoot him.”

For Johnson, the Yankees represent a chance for him to add another World Series ring to his collection and pitch on baseball’s biggest stage. It will also give him an opportunity to be a part of the historic rivalry between the Yankees and Red Sox.

Diamondbacks GM Joe Garagiola Jr. is trying his best to move Johnson, but will not agree to anything that doesn’t help his club.

“I know Randy wants to go, but I’m not just going to ship him away for his sake,” said Garagiola. “I’ve got my own team to think about. And what’s this about him whining like a bitch if we don’t trade him? Is he kidding? He’s been bitching and moaning for the past year. It’s nothing new to us. He’s obsessed with the Yankees. Last month I caught him masturbating to a picture of George Steinbrenner. Yes, I know, it’s disgusting. He could’ve at least gone with Derek Jeter.”

Johnson was infuriated recently when a proposed three-team deal between the Yanks, D-Backs, and LA Dodgers fell through when Dodgers GM Paul DePodesta back out of the deal. Meister gingerly called Johnson into his office to break the news to him, and Johnson’s reaction wasn’t pretty.

“Oh man, that was an ugly scene,” recalled Meister. “First his face turned beat red, then his eyes welled up with tears, then he slammed his fist down on my desk and yelled ‘No! He can’t back out of the deal! He just can’t! I’m going to the Yankees or else I’m gonna hold my breath until I turn blue!’ Then he stood up and threw his chair against the wall. After that he punched a framed portrait of my children. Then he tried to overturn my desk, but I was sitting in it so he was unable to lift it up. So he went into the corner and curled up in the fetal position, weeping silently. I tell you, whoever does end up with Randy is getting a true warrior.”

In the end, it is widely believed that Randy Johnson will be a Yankee. It just may take some creative maneuvering on the part of the Yankees as well as a lot of money. Johnson is said to be seeking a contract extension as a precursor to any deal.

“Obviously we would sign him to an extension,” said Yankees GM Brian Cashman. “We have no problem doing that. As you know, Mr. Steinbrenner is a very rich man, a very rich and irrational man, who has no shame when it comes to handing out embarrassing sums of money to ensure a championship. We know how desperately Randy wants to come here. He won’t go to any other team. I guess he was just inspired by some of our other recent acquisitions, like Kevin Brown, Javier Vazquez, Jason Giambi, and A-Rod. Signing a mega-deal to come to the Yankees is a can’t miss proposition. Just ask them.”

Newspapers have reported that the Yankees and Diamondbacks will resume talks after holidays to try and come to an agreement that works for everyone. Johnson is following negotiations closely and receiving daily updates from his agents. He said he is extremely confident that a deal will get done.

“Oh, I’m going to New York. There’s no doubt about it,” Johnson said from his home in Tempe. “I will stop at nothing. I will beg, plead, cajole, whatever. I want to wear the pinstripes. I want to be talked about in the Daily News and the Post. I want to be featured in those cute little commercials with Steinbrenner. I want to flirt with Jeter, the way A-Rod does. In short, I want to whore myself to the richest, most successful team just so I can have the shortest, easiest path to a championship. How admirable is that?”

Randy Johnson To Whine Like A Bitch Until Someone Trades Him To Yankees
December 28th , 2004- Volume 1 Issue 80