Mike Tice Creates Website Calling For His Own Firing

MINNEAPOLIS--The Vikings are off to a 1-3 start and look lost on both sides of the ball. If things don’t improve soon, the head coach must be held responsible for their failure to meet expectations. At least that’s what they’re saying at Firemiketice.net, a new website calling for the firing of Mike Tice, created by Mike Tice himself.

“Sometimes people stay on their jobs for too long, and I have done that myself,” reads a message on the front page of the website. “Anybody who cares about Vikings football knows that I am bad for this team and should have been fired long ago. I never should have been hired in the first place. Please, Mr. Wilf, if you want to preserve your fan base and get this franchise back on track, fire me, Mike Tice. If you don’t do it now, things are just going to get much, much worse. Trust me.”

Tice created the site after the Vikings lost to the Bengals in week two, 37-8. Firemiketice.net is meant to be a one-stop place for Minnesota fans who want to read about Tice’s failings, purchase anti-Mike Tice merchandise, or simply vent to other Tice-haters on the message board. There is also an online petition that will be sent to owner Zygmunt Wilf when it reaches ten thousand signatures.

“Sunday, October 2. Falcons 30, Vikings 10. Yet another loss by our hapless football team,” read the site’s front page, which is updated every Monday. “Once again our supposedly improved defense was as porous as Swiss cheese. Once again, our supposedly potent offense floundered and failed. Surely this team has enough talent. So what’s the problem? Me! The head coach. Look, I’m a nice guy and everything, but I’m in over my head here. I should go back to coaching tight ends where I can’t do any real damage.”

In the short time since its inception on September 19, the site has experienced rapid growth. It now receives an average of ten thousand hits per day. Tice himself is proud of the website, and plans to update it weekly until he is finally cut loose.

“It’s pretty cool that Firemiketice.net has created such a stir,” Tice told reporters yesterday after his team’s 30-10 loss to Atlanta. “I guess it’s kind of a labor of love for me. It’s hard work but it pays off when I get emails from people telling me what a great job I’m doing with it. The thing is, I really don’t belong here. I’m not head coaching material. And before you ask, no, I can’t quit or resign because then I wouldn’t be able to collect unemployment.”

Some of the biggest fans of the site are members of the Vikings organization. On any given day, players, coaches, and front office workers can be seen wearing merchandise from the site. The biggest seller? The official “Firemikcetice.com” t-shirt.

“When I saw that shirt I just had to buy it,” said Vikings receiver Marcus Robinson. “It has a big picture of coach Tice’s face on the front with a red line through it, and the bottom says ‘Fire him!’ in these huge block letters. On the other side is the web address. Pretty cool, huh? I wear it around out of solidarity with coach Tice. I know it means a lot to him, and I want him to know that I am completely supportive of his quest to be fired.”

The only person who doesn’t seem to be on board is owner Zygmunt Wilf. Wilf purchased the team last year from long-time owner Red McCombs. Since Tice was hired by McCombs, many people assumed that Wilf would want to bring in his own man. So far that hasn’t happened. Against all logic, Wilf has decided to patient.

“I think Mike is a good coach and I’m going to give him a chance to get things on track,” said Wilf. “We made some good changes in the offseason, like getting rid of our best receiver and bringing in a bunch of high priced free agents on defense. Any time you dump a bunch of money into a group of high priced free agents, great things happen. Trust me: I’m an Orthodox Jewish shopping mall magnate. I know football.”

The Vikings schedule isn’t going to get any easier from here on in. Before the season is over, they’ve got road games against the Bears, Panthers, and Giants, as well as a home game against the Pittsburgh Steelers. With the team in tatters, some players have already begun to panic, most notably quarterback Daunte Culpepper.

“We’ve been horrible these first four games and I really think you have to look at the coaching staff,” said Culpepper. “You know, I love coach Tice more than anyone, but he just doesn’t seem to have a grasp of all the intricacies of the NFL game. He’s not much of a strategist out there. He seems kind of lost. I think it’s time for our new owner to step in and make a tough decision. Unlike our coach, our owner must show he knows how to make adjustments.”