Jarrod Washburn Assures Wife He’s Not Joking About $37 Million Deal

SEATTLE--Upon inking a four year, $37 million contract with the Seattle Mariners, pitcher Jarrod Washburn immediately called his wife, Kristin, to tell her the news. Two hours later, he was finally able to convince her that he was not joking and that he actually received that amount from the Mariners.

“No, seriously, honey. I’m not kidding. I got 37 mil,” Washburn told his wife after he signed the contract. “I’m serious! Yes, 37. Three-Seven. Over four years. Uh huh. Yes. I was 8-8 last year. I know, it’s fucked up. You should’ve seen me trying to keep a straight face in that room. I was like ’37 million. Hmmm…let me weight the pros and cons.’ Then I went into some stupid bullshit about how Seattle is a great place to raise a family and I signed the thing before they could change their minds. Jackpot!”

Washburn and his wife were expecting a much smaller deal over a shorter length of time, especially after his mediocre season last year. But with so many teams desperate for pitching help, Washburn was able to cash in.

“Last year I really wanted to excel because I knew I was in a contract year,” Washburn told reporters Tuesday. “When I finished 8-8 I was pretty disappointed. I felt like I really hurt my market value. But then something happened this winter. Everybody went crazy, and before I knew it, I had $8.5 million per year sitting in my lap. It’s like hitting the lottery. With all due respect to Lou Gehrig, today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”

The Mariners have been on the lookout for starting pitching this offseason and hope Washburn can help anchor their staff, led by 43-year-old Jamie Moyer. Though Washburn wasn’t the top starter on the market, he was available, and the Mariners say he suits their needs just fine.

“We wanted a starter to round out the staff, and we got ourselves a nice lefty,” said GM Bill Bavasi. “Jarrod’s got a ton of experience, he’s dependable, and he’s got good control. As far as the amount of the contract, we really think we got a good deal. See, it’s a seller’s market right now, and we are desperate for pitching. Jared had all the leverage. I know he’s probably laughing at us right now, but the jokes on him, because we would’ve given him $50 million if he asked for it.”

The 2005 offseason has seen a number of pitchers cash in. AJ Burnett, BJ Ryan, Matt Morris, Tom Gordon, and Billy Wagner are among the names who have received lucrative multiyear deals from pitching-deprived clubs.

Blue Jays GM JP Riccardi, who signed both Burnett and Ryan for a total of $102 million, believes you can’t put a price on good pitching.

“It does seem like a lot of money, but we’ve seen that pitching wins championships,” said Riccardi. “If you’re not willing to spend the money, you’re not going to see the results. Look at this team, for instance: We’ve tried to operate things on the cheap for the past few years but we always end up finishing behind the Sox and Yankees. Now we’re going to have a really expensive team that will finish behind the Sox and the Yankees. It’ll give this club a chance to do something they’ve never had the chance to do: underachieve.”

Not everyone thinks the winter spending spree has been a good idea. In fact, a GM from one American League team says that the willingness to spend haphazardly has helped tilt the market in favor of the players.

“I always hear front offices complain that ‘the market is what it is’ as if they are just responding to forces out of their control,” said the GM, who asked not to be identified. “Actually the market is so crazy because teams are so willing to flush their money down the toilet. If every GM just decided to be frugal, the advantage would shift right back to the teams. We could even coordinate it by all agreeing not to spend over a certain amount of money on free agents. Is that collusion? Sure, by baseball's standards. In every other sport it's known as a 'salary cap.' So it's really just a matter of semantics.”