SAN FRANCISCO--With Barry Bonds rapidly approaching Hank Aaron’s career home run record, white people across america are praying feverishly that he falls short. The reason is obvious: no white person wants a black guy breaking Hank Aaron’s beloved home run record.

“Gosh I really hope Barry doesn’t get that home record. I’m totally rooting against him,” said Jayson Dwyer, 46, a Dodgers season ticket holder. “I saw him earlier this year when he came to LA, and he’s just such an arrogant jerk. Plus he’s African-American, and we can't have a black guy holding a record that sacred.”

Blogger Darrel Wichler of Atlanta summed up the Bonds’ situation thusly:

“I have nothing against black people. I don’t consider myself a racist at all,” he said. “It’s just that in baseball, records and statistics are held in the highest regard. They’re the lifeblood of the game. It’s important for those records to be held by white people, because us whites are better than blacks. Yes, I know Hank Aaron is also black, but there’s nothing we can do about that now. That damage has already been done.”

At 713 home runs, Bonds is one away from tying noted white slugger, Babe Ruth. While white people are crushed at that development, most realize there is very little they can do at this point.

“The fact that he’s breaking Babe Ruth’s record is painful, just painful,” said longtime Yankees fan Michael Bruscoli. “I mean, a black guy breaking Babe Ruth’s record. Ugh! It’s a national nightmare, really. But the thing is, there’s nothing we can do about it. All we can do now is try to stop Bonds from breaking Hank Aaron’s record. It’s not going to be easy, but it is our duty as racists.”

Even in Major League Baseball, officials are hoping that Bonds falls short of the record. In an attempt to sabotage his efforts, Commissioner Bud Selig has ordered an investigation into Bonds to determine whether he knowingly used steroids, a possibility that could render his home run record meaningless.

“We must protect the sanctity of our records,” Selig said the day he announced the investigation. “We cannot allow a cheater to eclipse Hank Aaron, especially someone who is a known African-American. Is it odd that we are trying to prevent a black man from breaking another black man’s record? No. See, Hank Aaron is a cool black guy, a really down to earth nice guy, while Bonds is a jerk. And like us white people always say, if you’re going to be back, you should at least be humble. You don’t have to be all in-your-face about it.”

Selig’s investigation came on the heels of the release of Game of Shadows, an explosive book detailing Bonds’ alleged steroid use over the years. The book contains facts, court documents, and witness testimony that paint a portrait of a jealous, bitter Bonds willfully injecting steroids to increase his power numbers. But the underlying theme of the book is simple: Bonds is black, and for that, we dislike him.

Mark Fainaru-Wada, one of the co-authors of the book, admitted as much in an interview with the San Francisco Chronicle.

“On the surface it just looks like a book implicating Bonds and other players in steroid use,” he said. “If you dig deeper, however, you can see that this is a thinly veiled attempt by us to prevent a black guy from breaking Hank Aaron’s record. Can you imagine how horrible that would be for all us white people? Our precious sport infiltrated by blacks! Hopefully this will be a wake up call for America. We cannot allow a black man to break another black man’s record for some reason.”

Some African-Americans ballplayers are complaining that Bonds is being unfairly targeted for his steroid use because he is black. Other high profile players such as Mark McGuire, Jose Canseco, Rafael Palmeiro, and Jason Giambi have also been implicated, but have not been pursued as relentlessly as Bonds.

“It’s a double standard for sure,” said one black AL player. “Why are they investigating Barry Bonds instead of everybody else? What about Mark McGuire? He broke the single season record and nobody is bothering him. Granted, he’s been ostracized from baseball to the point where he is a shut in. And yes, he is a national laughingstock, as is Jose Canseco and Rafael Palmeiro. Oh, and Gary Sheffield, another black guy, was also implicated in the book and nobody’s investigating him. The thing is, they’re going after Bonds because he’s black and he’s chasing history. OK, the record he’s trying to break is a black guy’s, but still. There is a racial aspect to this. I’m talking about it, aren’t I? Then there’s a racial aspect to this.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.