CINCINNATI--The NFL may have banned excessive celebration in the end zone this year, but don’t tell that to Chad Johnson. The outspoken wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals assured football fans that his dances would continue, as if anybody really gives a shit. “Don’t worry, America, you haven’t seen the last of my touchdown dances,” said Johnson, who made waves last year with a series of elaborate dance routines. “I will keep performing them because scoring a touchdown in front of 70,000 screaming fans is not enough for me. It’s not even close. I need more, more, more! You know why? Because I am a sick fuck. I am a needy, insecure little attention-whore, and I am not satisfied until everyone is talking about me, me, me! Look! I’m dancing! Weeeeee! Aren’t I entertaining? Wait! Wait! Where are you going. Don’t leave me!”
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DURHAM, NC--Just days after large scale anti-rape demonstrations took place on the campus of Duke University, pro-rape students gathered to stage a counter demonstration. Carrying placards that read “Stop taking back the night” and “She probably had it coming anyway” the hundred or so students shouted slogans and made their voices heard in the midst of a tumultuous week for Duke. “We’re just here to support the lacrosse team and show them that not everyone on this campus is anti-rape,” said protester Rob Montross, 20. “We’re totally behind those guys, even if they didn’t do it. And what’s with all this talk about ‘taking back the night?’ Don’t do that. Rapists work better at night. We’re totally against any taking back of the night.” Montross expressed satisfaction with the demonstration’s turnout, but said he was “disappointed” there were no girls there.
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OAKLAND--The Oakland Athletics are enjoying their best team chemistry in years thanks to a crazy new handshake that they’ve adopted as their signature celebratory gesture. The handshake was created by Eric Chavez and Mark Ellis who credit it in part for the team’s hot start. “Man, that handshake has really been a boon to us,” said Chavez. “Ever since we adopted it we’ve been a well oiled machine. It totally represents the raucous, devil-may-care attitude of this clubhouse. I bet other teams get totally freaked out when they see us doing it. They’re probably like ‘what’s going on in that crazy A’s dugout?’ Well, I’ll tell you what’s going on. We’ve got a crazy new handshake, and we’re gonna ride that thing all the way to the division title.” Chavez later was disappointed to find that every team now has a crazy handshake.
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CHARLOTTE, NC--Charlotte point guard Brevin Knight was gunned down in a hail of bullets and left for dead outside a fast food restaurant yesterday during a particularly brutal game of Grand Theft Auto. The incident was reportedly gang related. “It was definitely motivated by revenge,” Knight said afterwards. “Just a few hours earlier I mowed down some rival gang members with my rocket launcher and then stole all their money and drugs. So when I pulled up to that chicken restaurant and saw all those gangster hanging around outside I knew I was in trouble. The jokes on them, though. I saved the game. So I can just come back to the same damn restaurant armed to the teeth, and this time I’ll be ready.” Knight already has an extensive criminal record in the San Andreas area which includes a staggering 2,317 murders.
AUSTIN, TX--For weeks, Vince Young has watched his draft stock plummet based on his poor Wonderlic scores and uncertainty about his throwing motion. However his fortunes have changed since last week when he was compared to quarterback Steve Young by Sports Illustrated columnist Michael Silver. Young is now projected to be one of the top 3 picks in the draft. “Steve Young, huh? Now that’s an interesting comparison,” said one scout. “That puts him in a whole new light. It’s nice to be compared to Mike Vick and Randall Cunningham and Donovan McNabb, but when you say ‘Steve Young’ you’re raising the stakes a little. You’re comparing him to a white quarterback. That’s something his agent should have done a long time ago to establish him as a legitimate NFL quarterback. Better late than never, I guess.” Young’s agent seems to have gotten the hint, and is now referring to his client as “the great white hope.”
DURHAM, NC--Defense attorneys for two Duke lacrosse players charged with the rape of a stripper are now contending that the stripper was dressed “extremely provocatively” upon arriving at the party and also “danced suggestively” while she was there. The new allegations suggest that the stripper may have had it coming. “This woman, who is painting herself as a victim, actually showed up scantily clad,” said Kirk Osborn, who represents player Reade Seligmann. “She had a tight mini skirt on, high heels, and a tube top, and when she got to the party she proceeded to stand up in the front of the room and dance suggestively, titillating the men in the room. I think this and other evidence will show that this stripper was…a stripper.” In another bomb shell, the defense revealed that she accepted money for her services.
SALT LAKE CITY--Authorities in Salt Lake City are investigating a report that a statue of former Utah Jazz great Karl Malone threw a vicious elbow at a passerby on Monday. The victim, a woman in her 40’s, was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment of non-life threatening injuries. At least one witness was able to corroborate her story. “I was sitting over on this bench reading the paper when I saw a woman approach the statue with a camera,” said Daniel Brown, 34. “I looked down and continued reading and then I heard a loud thump followed by a woman’s scream. When I looked up, she was lying on the ground bleeding. The statue was in the exact same position. There was nobody else in the vicinity. It sounds crazy, but it had to be the statue. Actually, since it’s Karl Malone, maybe it doesn’t sound all that crazy.”
LOS ANGELES-- The Denver Nuggets’ Carmelo Anthony was furious at teammate Andre Miller yesterday for revealing that Anthony was the one who clogged the toilet in the Staples Center visitor’s locker room and caused it to overflow. Miller, who thought that situation was funny at first, wound up on the receiving end of Anthony’s wrath. “Melo was furious at me for snitching him out,” Miller said. “I was just joking around. I thought it was funny, but then he came up to me and started pushing and shoving me and the coaches had to pull him away. That’s when I remembered that he was in that drug dealer’s ‘No Snitching’ DVD a few years ago. He was with all those criminals with guns and stuff, and they were like ‘Don’t snitch or you’re gonna get popped.’ My God, I wonder if I’m safe. I wonder if my family is safe.” Miller later apologized to Anthony and assured his teammates that it was he, not Anthony, who called the toilet.
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