SAN FRANCISCO--After a disturbing incident in which Giants slugger Barry Bonds dressed up as Paul Abdul for a tongue-in-cheek version of American Idol, members of the media are hoping never to see Bonds’ “fun side” again. Many of them can’t believe they wanted to see it in the first place. “Wow, remember when we were all like ‘Barry needs to loosen up. Barry needs to show a lighter side of his personality?’” asked Henry Schulman of the San Francisco Chronicle. “What were we thinking? God, that whole thing was so disturbing. He looked so gross in that wig with those gargantuan shoulder and chest muscles bulging out, and how creepy was it when he started laughing and having a good time? He should never do that again. Barry, please go back to being surly and distant, no matter what those reality TV freaks tell you.”
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WASHINGTON, DC--Members of the George Washington University men’s basketball team announced Saturday that they were dedicating their season, in which they are currently the 6th rank team in the nation with a sterling 26-1 record, to their namesake, President George Washington. The announcement came after their stunning 86-85 victory over Charlotte Saturday night.“This season is dedicated to George Washington, our first president,” said Carl Elliot, after draining the game-winning shot at the buzzer. “He’s been such an inspiration to us with all he accomplished. He presided over the Constitutional Convention, he signed the Judiciary at of 1789 and the Naval Act of 1794 and the Coinage act of 1792, and in 1798 was appointed Lieutenant General and Commander of the Provisional Army! He’s similar to our team, which can shoot, pass, rebound, and play defense. We’re representing GW, the daddy of America!” After seeing Elliot’s stirring declaration, other schools followed suit, including the College of William and Mary who will be dedicating their next basketball season to whoever the hell their school is named after.
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SACRAMENTO--Members of the all-female rap group Allure defended their decision to sign a deal with NBA bad boy Ron Artest yesterday, saying that it seemed like a “really good idea” at the time. Artest’s record label Tru Warier has been unable to make stars out of the talented threesome. “Signing with Ron Artest seemed like a great career move at the time,” said Alia Davis, a member of the group. “He’s, like, a famous basketball player and he’s got tons of money. It seemed fool proof. Then when he got into the big fight in Detroit we were like ‘Yes! Everybody’s going to know our name now!’ Still, nobody will buy our record. I mean nobody. Huh. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we’re not very good and Ron was the crazy one for signing with us.”
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NEW YORK--A team of preeminent scientists has been assembled for the purpose of unlocking the mystery of the World Baseball Classic schedule. The scientists, hailing from every corner of the globe, will analyze data, scour television listings, and interview members of Major League Baseball in an effort to determine exactly when the hell the games are on, so Americans can actually watch the event that is supposed to be so awesome. “This is a crucial task. Unlocking this code – if it’s even possible – will finally allow baseball fans to watch this exciting tournament,” said Dr. Leonard Watson of Columbia University. “One thing we’ll be looking at is why the US games are aired at 3 AM even though they are played in California, and why foreign games are shown live in the middle of the day. This isn’t going to be easy, though. Unlocking the secrets of cold fusion would probably be easier than making sense out of this bullshit.”
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MORGANTOWN, WV--West Virginia’s senior Kevin Pittsnogle’s body is cluttered with gargantuan, meticulously detailed tattoos which will never fade away for the rest of his life. Some might think it’s a bit much, but not Pittsnogle. He knows that he will never, ever get tired of his body art. “Even though I’m only 21 right now, I know I will never regret getting all these tattoos,” said Pittsnogle. “There’s just no way. Even when I’m sitting in a nursing home and these things all resemble blurry purple blobs, I’ll still be OK with it. That’s because these tattoos mean something to me and that will never change. I will never, ever feel any different about my life and my body than I do right now, as a 21-year-old kid. That’s the beauty of life.” Pittsnogle also revealed that he is considering having a third arm permanently attached so he can be a better defender on the basketball court.
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STATE COLLEGE, PA--Tiffany Knight, a senior point guard on the Penn State women’s basketball team, will be going pro this year – in elementary education. The bitter, disappointed Knight would never have picked up a basketball in the first place if she knew it was going to be such a waste of time. “There are 65,000 student athletes in America, and almost all of them are going pro in something other than sports,” said Knight, who averaged 4.3 points per game in her senior season. “I guess I’m one of those people. What a nightmare. I could’ve been playing pro basketball for a living, and instead I’m going into elementary fucking education. To think I spent all that time practicing, all that time sitting on the bench waiting for my 8 minutes of action, all that time sitting in meetings. There’s 4 years of my life I’ll never have back.”
MIAMI--Free agent linebacker LaVar Arrington said he thinks he’d be a “great fit” for whichever team pays him the most money. Right now the race is between Miami, Cincinnati, and Jacksonville, all of whom are said to be balking at Arrington’s asking price. In the end, he’ll sell himself to the highest bidder. “I’m definitely intrigued by, and really like the scheme of, whichever team offers me the most money,” Arrington told reporters yesterday. “It definitely will come down to a race between whoever showers me with the most riches. There are a lot of factors to consider when signing with a new team, such as the signing bonus, the amount of guaranteed money, and bonus incentives. So I’m weighing my options. But let me reiterate once again to all potential suitors: You could do a lot worse than offer me the most money. Have I made myself clear?”
CULVER CITY, CA--Despite claims that a Hollywood screenwriter could not have written a better script than the story of George Mason’s season, a screenwriter, Scott Hicks of Culver City, CA, has done just that. Hicks’ script revolves around a Cinderella team advancing to the NCAA final four, too, but it also involves natural disasters, exploding spaceships, lesbians, and action-adventure star Will Smith. The script has already been sold to a major Hollywood producer and production is expected to start in the fall. “I kept hearing that this whole story couldn’t have been scripted any better,” said Hicks, 32. “So I decided to take it upon myself to debunk that myth. I have written a script that surpasses the true George Mason story on every level. There are explosions, there are gunfights, there is sex, robots, you name it. It’s all in here. I won’t even tell you the end of the story, but I will tell you that it involves George Mason in the national championship game, plus a category 6 hurricane and a race against time to find a bomb hidden in the White House.”
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