STANFORD, CA--High school basketball star Josh Robertson visited Stanford University yesterday in a recruitment trip. While he was impressed with the school’s basketball program, he admitted to being “a little put off” by their high graduation. “I don’t want to go somewhere where I’m going to be under all this pressure to study and get good grades,” Robertson said. “I know those things have their place, but I’d rather just focus on basketball. They graduate, like, 80 percent of their players. Whoa, easy there, brainiacs. There are other things in life besides school work. And I’m only planning to be there for a year or two anyway. One year, actually, if I average more than 7 rebounds a game.”
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PHILADELPHIA--A Philadelphia Phillies fan who attended Sunday’s game against the San Francisco Giants is reportedly angry at himself for forgetting all the cool stuff he was going to scream at Barry Bonds. The fan, Ron Pollard, wishes he wrote his cutting comments down on an index card instead of trying to commit them to memory. “Ah, dammit! I can’t believe I forgot every goddamn thing I was going to say,” said Pollard, 38. “I ended up screaming all these lame things like ‘Hey, done any steroids lately?’ and ‘Game of Shadows was my favorite book!’ Whatever. I sounded so stupid. What’s more annoying is that I remembered everything as soon the game was over. Here’s a sample: ‘Hey Barry. Can you duck? Your fat head is blocking my view!’ Heh. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t that great. I still think it would’ve gotten into his head, though. His huge, oversized….oh, forget it.”
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WESTCHESTER, NY--Billionaire Donald Trump remains undefeated at golf after defeating 2 employees yesterday at his country club in Westchester, New York. The world renowned real estate mogul has not lost a game in over 20 years, making him the greatest golfer in the history of the world. “That was a great match. That was a close one,” Trump said after finishing 18 holes with a score of 93. “On the final hole, we were coming down to the wire, and I really thought my streak was over. But then Jonathan [a vice-president in one of Trump’s companies] missed that really easy, two foot putt and sealed the victory for me. It’s like I always say: sometimes it just comes down to the player who makes the least amount of mistakes. And today, I made one less than my opponent.” As a result of the missed putt, Jonathan will remain employed with the Trump organization.
LOS ANGELES--Hall of fame running back OJ Simpson voiced support for fellow USC alum Reggie Bush today in an interview with the LA Times. Bush’s family is currently being investigated by the NCAA for their dealings with an agent which may have been illegal. “I have been there and I want Reggie to know that, as a fellow USC graduate, he has a friend and a supporter in me,” Simpson said. “I can tell you first hand that it’s very difficult to have your name dragged through the mud and have your family’s name dragged through the mud by people in the media who don’t know all the facts. We’re kindred spirits, Reggie and I. If he needs someone to talk to he should call me. I’ve been through the same thing. I know what it feels like.”
MIAMI--Thieves broke into the car of Dolphins defense back Ronnie Manley last night while it was parked on the street near a South Beach night club. An officer on the scene said that the suspects got away with 3 cell phones and approximately $7 million in jewelry. “Between 2 AM and 3 AM Saturday night, thieves smashed the window of Mr. Manley’s car,” said officer Joseph Gonzalez of the Miami PD. “They made out with several personal items, along with $7 million dollars worth of jewelry, which was sitting in the glove compartment for some reason.” Manley told police he left the jewelry in the glove compartment “by accident,” and expressed relief that they didn’t look between the back seat cushions, where there was a $2.5 million diamond necklace.
OAKLAND--The Oakland A’s are currently sitting in second pace in the AL West with an 18-19 record. If the team continues to struggle, general manager Billy Beane won’t hesitate to make some changes to ensure that his team’s on base percentage remains among the tops in the league. “I just want our fans to know that regardless of what happens, our OBP will be respectable and something we can be proud of,” said Beane, who considers on base percentage to be the most important factor in evaluating a player’s worth. “I won’t sit back and watch our team OBP sink to the bottom of the league. We’re too good for that. Sure, we’ll probably finish in third or fourth place this year, but we’re going to work some serious counts along the way.”
LAS VEGAS--Bodog.com, the popular online gambling website, is making everyone who visits it fabulously wealthy, according to founder and CEO Calvin Ayre. The site offers casino gambling, poker, and sports betting to its users, who are among the happiest and richest people on earth. “As you know, online gambling is one of the most lucrative businesses in the world,” Ayre said in a recent interview with Business Weekly. “But it’s not just lucrative for the CEO’s, it’s lucrative to the customers. Are you in debt up to your eyeballs? Is your savings account empty? No problem. You can use a credit card to get started. When you’ve made your first million we’ll cut you a check. It’s that easy. There’s no strings attached.” Ayre then left the interview and flew away in his private jet, which he purchased with paper route money he saved up as a kid.
BATON ROUGE, LA-- LSU freshman Tyrus Thomas, an unknown commodity at the beginning of the season, is now a lock to be a lottery pick in the upcoming NBA draft based on his dazzling performance in the NCAA tournament. Though Thomas’s numbers weren’t eye-popping, scouts are impressed by the potential upside of his motor. “This guy plays with a lot of energy,” said one scout. “He’s got a great motor. Not only that, but he’s only 19 so he’s just going to get better. He doesn’t score a lot and he’s a little raw, but again, his motor has tremendous upside potential. Plus he has a great wingspan, which gives him something in common with Manut Bole and Shawn Bradley.” Thomas is expected to go to Portland, Chicago, or Charlotte, where he can use his great leaping ability to fall for up-fakes.
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SAN ANTONIO--Eva Longoria, girlfriend of Spurs guard Tony Parker and loyal follower of the team, doesn’t get why they have to stop playing now. Last year they kept playing all the way until June24th. “So how come we’re stopping? I don’t get it,” Longoria asked Parker following Monday’s Game 7 loss against the Dallas Mavericks. “No, seriously. Last year we played all the way until, like, July or something. Is this a shorter season? If I show up tomorrow night, will they let me in? No? Wow, if they’re going to screw around with the schedule like this they should tell the fans. This isn’t right. I see that Dallas is still playing, and so is Phoenix. Maybe I’ll start going to their games.
PITTSBURGH--Craig Worceski, 33, a Pittsburgh Pirates fan and perennial underachiever, was booed and heckled by several members of the Pirates Sunday during a game against the Houston Astros. “Hey loser! Why don’t you get a job?” shouted pitcher Matt Capps while sitting in the bullpen. “I’m tired of supporting your sorry ass with my tax money! And take care of your kids, too, Mr. Deadbeat Dad. How long has it been since you paid child support? How long since you’ve had a real job? Oh, I’m sorry, it’s probably hard to work when you have a crippling painkiller addiction. Loser. Gets some impulse control for God’s sake. You should be ashamed of yourself.” Worceski later admitted that heckling is part of the game but criticized the players for “getting too personal.”
DURHAM, NC--The Duke women’s lacrosse team came out in support of their male counterparts last week by wearing headbands that said “innocent” during a national semifinal game against Northwestern. They then showed their solidarity with the boys by getting drunk, hiring a stripper, and screaming racial epithets at her until she fled the premises. “This is something we wanted to do to show that we are one with the men’s team,” said junior Leigh Jensen. “As you know, they have claimed to be innocent of those rape charges and we believe them. All they did was hire some black chick and shout racial insults at her. Is that a crime now? I don’t think so. Even if it was, we’d still stand by our fellow lacrosse players. We’d stand behind them no matter what they did, because pointless loyalty is more important than right and wrong. And because we're a little afraid of them. Go Duke! ”
NEW YORK-- Sports Illustrated’s Pete McEntegart recently published a groundbreaking list of the Top 10 wackiest sports hairdos of all time on the magazine’s website, CNNSI.com. The much anticipated feature consisted of big, colorful pictures of famous athletes as well as insightful comments about what makes their hair so crazy and delightful. McEntegart called it a column that “had to be written.” “This is a subject that needed to be broached,” he said in a press conference yesterday. “How many times do you look at a player with crazy hair and think ‘I wonder where his hair would rank on a list of other crazy hairdos?’ and ‘when will somebody compile a list of these haircuts so I can look at them on my computer?’ Well, here’s the list. It’s been 6 long months of agonizing research but I finally got it right. Some of the names on the list will be subject to some fierce debate, I imagine. I just hope I don’t get any hate mail. Actually I hope I do. Any mail would be good, to be honest. I just want to know people are reading this bullshit.”
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