MINNEAPOLIS--Brad Macey, a rookie tight end for the Minnesota Vikings, has recently discovered a hidden dark side to life in the National Football League: charity work. Since being drafted in April, Macey has been shuttled back and forth to area schools and children’s hospitals to hold awkward, excruciating conversations with kids who don’t know who he is. “Damn, I didn’t realize the amount of charity work NFL players had to do,” said Macey, 21. “It’s called ‘giving back to the community.’ Now I’m all for that, but in fairness, I just got here and the community hasn’t given me dick so I’m not sure what I’m giving back. It seems like I’m just giving. I also thought I’d have to wait a couple years to establish myself in the league before anybody would want me for these things, but no, they take anyone with a team jersey.” Tomorrow, Macey will speak to a classroom full of kids about the dangers of drugs and alcohol and admitted that he will smoke “a huge fatty” before that ordeal.
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MIAMI--The Miami Heat revealed today that they would try to land an aging veteran in the upcoming draft to compliment the other aging veterans on their roster. “We would, obviously prefer a player who is getting a little up there age-wise and isn’t in terribly good shape,” said team president Pat Riley. “That way he can seamlessly slide into our roster and contribute right away, instead of rotting away in the NBDL until he turns 35. Right now it looks like we have few options, but there are a couple possibilities. For instance, that Chinese guy, Yi Jianlian, says he’s 22 but is probably around 29 or 30. He puts on 50 or 60 pounds and he could start for us right away.”
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OAKMONT, PA--The 2007 U.S. Open may be over, but the fallout continues, with several golfers complaining about the difficulty of the Oakmont Country Club, which includes, among other things, a pirate-themed hole on the back nine. “The whole course stinks, but that pirate hole on the back nine is ridiculous,” said Mike Weir, who scored an 8 on the hole. “You’ve got to guide it into this pirate’s mouth, which is incredibly tiny, and then wait for it to come out onto the deck of the ship, where it ‘walks the plank’ down to the green. Then you have to hit it off three banks to maybe get it in the hole. Of course, you get a free soda if you score a hole in one, but that’s all a scam. I bet they’ve never given away one free soda on this hole.” Weir and others also objected to the 17th hole, which consists entirely of sand.
MEMPHIS--In an unusual move, projected number one draft pick Greg Oden has agreed to work out for the Memphis Grizzlies, owner of the fourth pick, just to show them what they’re missing. “It’s too bad that the Grizzlies missed out on me even though they were the crappiest team in the league,” said Oden. “I bet they’d just love to know what they’re missing. That’s why I’m holding this private workout for them. I’ll be sprinting up and down the court, showing my post moves, dunking over chairs – the whole routine. Then I’ll sit down and talk to them and charm the shit out of them. Then I’ll shake hands and wish them luck with Al Horford. I’m sure his adequate interior defense and solid work ethnic will set the city on fire.”
BOSTON--Celtics GM Danny Ainge was called an “idiot,” a “sleaze ball,” and a “desperate, incompetent shyster” for possibly considering making a move that would send Al Jefferson to the Timberwolves. “That’s it. That’s the last straw,” said message board poster AJ08. “Ainge is a fucking idiot and he’s ruining this franchise. All he cares about is bringing in a big name so he can save his job and make more money at the gate. Now him and Grousebeck can sit on their yachts together, sip champagne, and laugh at all us sucker fans. If you ask me, he’s sabotaging the team on purpose. I think we should boycott them. Is anybody with me? We should stage a boycott. I’m serious. Let’s all meet out in front of the arena and shout things.” Hours later it was reported that the deal was dead and was, in fact, “never even close.”
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PHOENIX--An Eastern Conference scout who attended a workout for center Spencer Hawes came away impressed with the seven footer’s skill set, but said he was “a little leery’” of selecting Hawes because he is white. “I really like that Hawes kid. He’s got a lot of nice skills for a big man,” said the scout. “Offensively he’s extremely polished. I would be tempted to select this guy in the Top 10, but you can't ignore the giant elephant in the room here: he’s white. I don’t mean to sound ignorant or anything, but the track record for white centers in this league isn’t pretty. Now this kid can certainly bulk up and work on his interior defense and refine his post moves and stuff, but no matter how hard he practices, he’ll never not be white. With that in mind, I would say grab him in the second round and hope for the best. Maybe he’ll turn out to be the next George Mikan.”
SAN FRANCISCO--Freddy Sanchez, the Pittsburgh Pirates lone representative in the MLB All Star game, confessed today to not giving a shit who gets home field advantage in the World Series. “Oh, like I really care whether the National League or the American League gets home field advantage in the World Series,” said Sanchez, whose team is currently nine games out of first place in the NL Central. “We’re not going to be sniffing the playoffs this year so excuse me if I’m not laying it all on the line to get the precious ‘W’ for the ol’ Senior Circuit. Now, if they were to give us some other incentive to win, like a week off at the end of the season or new Hummers, that would be a different story. As it stands right now, it’s unfair to players on sucky teams. We have enough of a burden without the league conspiring against us. No offense to the Pirates organization of course.”
ARLINGTON, TX--According to an irate blogger, the mainstream media, in their mad rush to make a buck and satisfy their sponsors, are not paying enough attention to vital issues such as who Derek Jeter is fucking this week. “The MSM has lost its way,” said Brian Kingsford of popular sports blog, Second and Twelve. “Whereas they used to cover things that were relevant to the sports world, now they seem content to pander to the 18-25’s in order to sell more ads. Take ESPN, for example. They’re dedicating a whole Sportscenter segment to this ‘Who’s Now?’ bullshit, when they could be delving into who Derek Jeter is fucking this week or whether or not Reggie Bush’s girlfriend got breast implants. That’s why more and more people are turning to the blogs – the underground media – for their sports reporting.” Kingsford then posted a cell phone picture of Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander passed out at a party with vomit on his shirt, which the mainstream media conveniently ignored.
LOS ANGELES--There were several big winners at Sunday night’s ESPY Awards, most notably the ESPY Awards themselves, which were awarded the coveted Most Meaningless Award award, slightly edging out the MTV Movie Awards. “On behalf of ESPN I want to thank everybody who made this possible,” said ESPN personality Stuart Scott. “There are a lot of meaningless award shows out there but nothing beats the empty, vacuous circle jerk that is the ESPYs. I don’t even know if people vote for these things or if they are simply chosen randomly by some producer, but whoever you are, thank you. I will now bring this back stage and throw it in the garbage with the rest of them, then I will get drunk and pretend I am at the Oscars.”
LOS ANGELES--According to a poll conducted by World Soccer magazine, most Americans believe that the L.A. Galaxy, new home of superstar David Beckham, is the world’s greatest soccer team. Editor Gavin Hamilton blamed the misconception on the Galaxy’s recent publicity blitz, combined with Americans’ general ignorance of soccer. “Yes, they actually believe that the Galaxy are the top team in the world,” said Hamilton. “Most of them have never even heard of the Manchester United. They believe that the Galaxy, because of the Beckham thing and the accompanying media saturation, must be number one, and that the rest of the world is envious and trying to catch up. Many of the respondents were even bragging about it. This is utterly, utterly depressing. Whose idea was it to try to turn these idiots on to soccer? And why, exactly, did we want to do this?” Hamilton also noted that 68 percent of the respondents believed Pele was a popular Latino recording artist.
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