FOXBORO--Despite the fact that he has been retired for 17 years, quarterback Steve Grogan is still listed as “questionable” on the New England Patriots injury report with a sore shoulder. Coach Bill Belichick refused to comment on the 54-year-old’s health. “We don’t usually comment on injured players,” Belichick said after Sunday’s game. “He’s doing okay. He’s coming along. Nothing to report, really. He’ll be ready when he’s ready.” When a reporter pointed out that Grogan is no longer on the team, Belichick grew impatient. “Do you want to talk about the game or what, guys?” he snapped. “We got a tough match-up against the Bills in a couple weeks and I’ll be happy to talk about them.” Belichick then stormed out of the room when asked why Bills running back Marshawn Lynch was also on the injury report.
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LEXINGTON, KY--In what is being called one of the wackiest endings to a college football game in years, the marathon, four-overtime slugfest between the Tennessee Volunteers and Kentucky Wildcats was won 54-52 by the LSU Tigers. “That was one of the craziest games I’ve ever been part of,” said a flustered Phillip Fulmer, coach of the Vols after the game. “The whole overtime period was like a big whirlwind. Both teams just refused to lose. We finally got a touchdown and a two point conversion, and then…and then I don’t know what happened. I guess you just have to give credit to LSU. They made the big play when they needed it most. It’s just a shame because we worked so hard all game and ended up losing to a team we weren’t even playing.” The stunning upset victory landed LSU back at the top spot in the AP rankings on Monday.
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DETROIT--Lions QB Jon Kitna admitted today to being offended after God interrupted him mid-prayer and asked if he knew Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. Kitna, one of God’s most vocal advocates, felt the comment “showed a lack of class.” “I was very surprised to hear something like that coming from God,” Kitna told the Detroit Free Press. “I thought it showed a lack of class on his part. I mean I’m in the middle of a prayer. Couldn’t that have waited until after I was done? Couldn’t he have at least pretended to be listening to me? Anyway, I told him Tom was a pretty nice guy, and he was like, ‘I knew it. He seems really nice when they interview on TV.’ Then I just stormed out of the room. I’m sorry, but I don’t need that kind of stuff from God. I get it enough from my kids.”
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INDIANAPOLIS--NFL teams are notoriously secretive about their players’ health and availability, but the Indianapolis Colts may be taking that to another level as the team is refusing to tell kicker Adam Vinatieri whether or not his left leg, or “plant leg” is injured. “I don’t really know the status of my leg,” Vinatieri told reporters on Monday. “Obviously it seems like something’s wrong because I’ve been struggling so much lately, but the team is kind of keeping me in the dark about it. I know about as much as you guys do. What’s that? Is there soreness? I’m not sure. You’ll have to ask the coach. They don’t tell anybody anything around here.”
NASHVILLE--With former Mets prospect Lastings Milledge finally off the trading block after nearly two years of being mentioned in every possible transaction, baseball’s winter meetings ground to a halt yesterday. As A’s GM Billy Beane put it, “it’s just not the same without Lastings.” “Nobody really knows what to do with themselves this year,” said Beane. “Last year it was Lastings this and Lastings that, and pretty much every deal was centered around him in some way. He was like the ultimate trading chip. He was the straw that stirred the drink. But not anymore. The Nationals are making him an outfielder instead of putting him in his rightful place on the trading block. Anyway, who’s up for some ping pong? I’m bored.” On Tuesday, the New York Mets offered Milledge to three different teams out of sheer habit.
LOS ANGELES--During a game between the Lakers and Nets on Thursday night at the Staples Center, New Jersey point guard Jason Kidd threw a dazzling alley-oop pass to Kobe Bryant that resulted in a thunderous dunk. Though the two are not teammates, Kidd said it felt like the natural thing to do. “It just felt like the thing to do,” he said after the game. “It was totally natural. Kobe was running in from the three point line and I was dribbling at the top of the key. So I tossed it up there and Kobe plucked it out of the air and slammed it home. I don’t think the home crowd appreciated because it resulted in two points for us, but it was a great looking shot anyway. The only thing that could have made it better is if he did it in Vince Carter’s face.”
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BOSTON--TNT is rethinking its new policy of miking players during games after Boston’s Kevin Garnett unleashed a torrent of profanities that resulted in one long, uninterrupted bleep during last week’s Celtics-Cavaliers game. “And now we go to our ‘Sounds of the Game,’” said announcer Marv Albert during a break in the action. “The Celtics’ Kevin Garnett has agreed to wear a microphone tonight and we’re going to take a listen and see what’s going on down there…Whoa, what’s that? Are we having audio problems? What’s up with that loud beeping sound? Is this a test of the emergency broadcast system? Oh, I see. Well I’m hearing now that it’s Kevin Garnett being bleeped by the censors. I’m not sure what he’s saying but – hey, I just made out the word ‘mother.’ Huh. I wonder what he was saying. I guess we’ll never know.”
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PITTSBURGH--When Julie Christie walked into the apartment of her date, Nick Granderson, she was greeted by the sight of a full-size Ben Roethlisberger Fathead affixed to his bedroom wall. The colorful, larger-than-life decoration impressed Christie so much she agreed to sleep with him on the first date. “Wow that was an awesome Fathead,” said Granderson, 33. “I’ve seen the commercials for those things but I’ve never seen them in real life. It was like Ben Roethlisberger himself, except bigger, standing in the bedroom and looking down at you. Obviously Nick is a guy who takes football seriously, and he’s also someone who is secure enough in his sexuality to purchase an 8-foot-tall poster of an NFL player and hang it in his bedroom. That’s all it took for me to get in bed with him. That, and nine rum and cokes.”
ST LOUIS--After being pummeled 48-19 in their final game of the season, the St Louis Rams gathered in their locker room to watch the rest of the day’s action, eager to see if they could “back in” to the playoffs. Unfortunately, they learned that their 3-13 record would be not be enough to let them slip in to the final spot. “We were hoping after we lost this game that we could somehow back in to the playoffs,” said coach Scott Linehan. “But after watching the rest of the games and crunching the numbers, we realized we were 3-13 and the worst record for an NFC playoff team was like 9-7 or something. It was disappointing but we only have ourselves to blame. We put ourselves in this position. Hopefully next year we’ll control our own destiny by not being in dead last place for the entire season.”
WASHINGTON--Sonics rookie Kevin Durant had a 7-for-20 performance against the Washington Wizards on Thursday that helped boost his shooting percentage to 30 percent. Durant credited the increase in accuracy to the extra jumpers he takes after practice. “I’ve been shooting a lot of extra jumpers and really getting my stroke down,” Durant said. “That’s why I came out and had that 7 for 20 night the other night. Now I’m at 30 percent and I can breathe a little easier. And to think there was a time earlier this season when I was sitting at negative four percent. I didn’t even know that was possible before this season, but apparently all you have to do is miss more shots than you take.”
MIAMI--Much to the chagrin of the nation’s basketball fans, the Miami Heat were once again shown on national TV for some reason. The network to blame was TNT, which believe the star power on the Heat would make up for any lack of cohesion as a team. “Of course the Heat are struggling, but they have Shaq and Dwyane Wade on their roster,” said TNT producer Mark Sims. “Shaq and D-Wade are famous. People like famous people. So it stands to reason that they should be on TV. Is there anything more exciting than watching Shaq sitting on the bench in a suit and D-Wade falling all over the place trying to draw a foul? That’s entertainment!” Next Thursday, TNT will air the Heat taking on the New Jersey Nets, because Vince Carter is also really famous.
DALLAS--In honor of their new show, Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles, the Fox network had an actual Terminator robot sing the national anthem prior to Sunday’s Cowboys-Giants game. The shiny metallic cyborg hit all the right notes, but was described as “a little robotic.” Fox sports producer Ed Goren, however, claimed to have been moved by the performance. “I thought that was an incredibly moving performance by the Terminator robot,” said Goren. “To see our national anthem performed by a murderous cyborg is just a dream come true. I had tears in my eyes! And let’s not forget that that fella will be starring in our new series Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, which starts tonight. Have you heard about that show? Let me tell you about it: It’s going to be explosive, and there’s a chick in it that shoots a bunch of stuff and there are robots and a teenage boy and fireballs and shit. It’s stupid as hell, but in a good way.” Goren then revealed that the guy from House would be a guest referee at Sunday’s Patriots-Chargers game.
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