WASHINGTON, DC--A new videotape released by terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden on Monday included, among other things, a brief diatribe mocking Notre Dame’s 0-3 start to the season. The comments were the latest in an avalanche of criticism and taunting the Irish have received since being blown out by Michigan in Week 3. “And now I would like to briefly touch upon the Notre Dame Fighting Irish football team,” Bin Laden said in the grainy, low budget video. “They are a laughingstock. Charlie Weiss is a corrupt, incompetent pig. It is apparent that the ridiculous media hype surrounding these dogs was unfounded. Perhaps they will win three games this season so they can be ranked number one in next season’s preseason poll. Also, has Jimmy Clausen ever played football before?” Bin Laden also said that Brady Quinn was overrated and that America will be destroyed by the holy warriors of Islam.
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PORTLAND--After suffering a knee injury which requires season-ending surgery, number one draft pick Greg Oden is now seriously considering a career in dentistry. The Blazers center stated repeatedly before the draft that he would be a dentist if he wasn’t a basketball player. “Well now that I’ve done this much damage to my knee, maybe it’s time to drop the whole basketball thing and start thinking about my true love: dentistry,” Oden told a reporter on Monday. “I’ve always been fascinated by the dental profession. You get to wear a white coat, you get to play with all these cool instruments, you get to meet all sorts of nice people, and the money is really good. I’m sure the Blazers will understand. I doubt I’d be the first basketball player to succumb to the lure of dentistry.”
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EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ--On Sunday, the NFL celebrated its first annual Hispanic Patronization Night, which featured performances and events designed to persuade Latinos aged 18-45 to buy NFL merchandise. The evening featured a performance by Gloria Estefan, several mentions of the new website, NFLLatino.com, and some Taco Bell ads. League spokesman Greg Aiello called Hispanic Patronization Night “a roaring success.” “When you want to take people’s money, the first thing you need to do is patronize them and spoon feed them a bunch of crap that makes it seem like you respect their culture or whatever,” said Aiello. “That’s what we did tonight, and it was a roaring success. We had that Spanish lady from Miami Sound Machine, and another Spanish band, and a whole bunch of commercials featuring Latino people getting a hard-on for the NFL. Once we get them slavishly devoted to our product the way white people are, we will move on to our next demographic: Asians. We’ve actually arranged for a live Panda to parachute onto the field for our 2008 season opener. Viva la Asia!”
NEW YORK--Yankees rookie Ian Kennedy was forced to dress as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz on Monday as part of a rookie hazing ritual, and to his surprise, he liked it. In fact, the 22-year-old asked the team if it would be okay if he wore the outfit again on Tuesday. “This is really cool,” Kennedy said upon donning the outfit. “It’s actually very comfortable and feels totally natural on me, and it’s got way more pizzazz than those boring, frumpy ‘guy’ clothes I’m always wearing. I mean I’m definitely not gay, but I could see myself dressing like this on a regular basis. Is it possible for me to wear this tomorrow night? I think it would be fun to extend it for one day.” Oddly enough, rookie Jaba Chamberlain also said he enjoyed the feel of his Cowardly Lion costume.
GAINSEVILLE, FL--Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow was pleasantly surprised today upon finding a naked co-ed between his coach cushions while looking for some spare change. “Hey, look what I found,” Tebow called out to his roommate upon discovering the 20-year-old blonde. “It’s a naked chick. She was here between the sofa cushions. She must be left over from that party we had the other night. I know there were a lot of naked chicks running around and I kind of lost track of them. Oh, look! Here’s three quarters, too! This must be my lucky day.” Tebow then apologized to the young lady for disturbing her and replaced the sofa cushion.
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SAN DIEGO--The San Diego Padres lost to the Colorado Rockies Monday night in a playoff tie-breaker, completing a historic, one-game collapse that has left the franchise reeling. The Padres entered into the game in a virtual tie with the Rockies, but when it was all over, they were one game behind. “Wow. I’m just…numb right now,” said starter Jake Peavy. “I can’t believe we blew it like that. At the beginning of the game we were all tied up, we had a great shot at making the playoffs, everything seemed to be falling into place for us...but at the end, we’re out of the postseason. It’s going to take a long time to get over this one, especially with that seemingly insurmountable two-run lead we had.”
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WHITE PLAINS, NY--Disgraced Olympic gold medallist Marion Jones, who admitted to taking a powerful steroid known as “the Crème” this week, gave back her gold medal in power lifting, which she said was won “under false pretenses.” “I apologize to my family, friends, and country for misleading them on the subject of performance enhancing drugs,” Marion said in a press conference Friday. “I will now officially surrender the medals I won, including the gold I won in power lifting. I would never have been able to lift that 800 pounds without the assistance of steroids. Under normal circumstances I can only lift about 75 pounds, so the drugs did give me a tangible advantage. Also, I’m sorry for lying about all this stuff in the first place. That was just the steroids talking.” Jones also returned her silver medal in wrestling and bronze medal in boxing.
CLEVELAND--The Fox Network surprised viewers on Monday when they briefly cut away from a prolonged, three-hour crowd shot to show Joe Borowski throw a pitch to Jason Varitek. The sudden camera movement flustered announcer Joe Buck. “And the fans at Jacob Field are on their feet waving towels,” Buck began in the top of the ninth inning. “As you can see, and as you have seen all night, they are a hearty bunch. This little kid right here seems concerned, and this old lady is cute as a – whoa! It’s a ball down and away by Borowski. I…wow, I wasn’t expecting that. Okay, well apparently they wanted to show a moment of the game. Just to let you know, the crowd was very excited before that pitch and then let out a brief sigh when it was called a ball. Anyway, back to the crowd. Hey, that’s a funny sign!”
BOSTON--In the midst of a raucous champagne celebration in the Fenway Park clubhouse on Sunday night, drunken Red Sox players guaranteed victory against their World Series opponent, the Colorado Rockies, whom they referred to as “the Broncos.” “We’re firing on all cylinders right now,” shouted second baseman Dustin Pedroia. “I know the team we’re facing is real talented, but the guys in this clubhouse really believe in each other and I don’t think anybody can beat us right now. In fact, what the hell, I’m going to make a guarantee here. I GUARANTEE that we will defeat the Broncos in the World Series! I guarantee it! And you can print that, too. The Broncos are going down.” Upon reading the quote, the Denver Broncos placed it on their bulletin board and will use it as motivation for their next game.
SEATTLE--Following his team’s 33-6 victory over the St. Louis Rams in which he had 19 carries, Seahawks’ running back Shaun Alexander complained that Coach Mike Holmgren was giving him too much playing time, and demanded to be less involved with the game plan next week. “Obviously I’m frustrated,” Alexander told reporters. “You want to be involved in the game plan, you want to be out there battling with your teammates, but there comes a point when it’s too much. I’d like to get maybe 10, 11 carries per game and then spend the rest of the time watching from the sidelines. I hate to air my grievances to the media like this, but sometimes you have to just vent.” When asked about Alexander’s comments, Holmgren said he would be “more than happy” to lesson Alexander’s workload and commended his running back for speaking up.
BALTIMORE--Rather than go through the motions for three excruciating downs on their first possession Sunday, the Baltimore Ravens opted to punt on second down, just to get it over with. Coach Brian Billick said the move “saved time” for everyone involved. “There’s no reason to embark on the charade of running a play to try and gain yards,” Billick said after the game. “So we figured we’d just punt the thing in advance. It saves some time and it spares everybody the five or six minutes of their lives they would have wasted watching us try to run a play. Not that I’m down on our offense or anything. It’s just that it’s difficult to watch and I don’t see any reason to put myself through that more than I need to.” On their second po session, the Ravens tried to punt on first down, but botched the snap and had to run another whole play.
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