NEW YORK--The New York Giants announced today that they plan on wearing full length long sleeve jerseys when they take the field for Super Bowl XLII. Though the game is being played in the oppressive heat of Glendale, Arizona, that won’t deter the G-Men from covering up. “Yea, man, we’re going to be wearing the long sleeves,” said linebacker Antonio Pierce. “We don’t care about the elements. We’re not going to be like ‘Oooh, it’s hot out here. I better put on my short sleeves.’ Nope, we’re covering up, baby, head to toe. Hopefully our fans will show support by doing the same thing – especially the flabby male ones.” Not to be outdone, the Patriots said they plan to drink hot coffee on the sidelines and sit on those heated benches.
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ORLANDO--Golfweek editor Dave Seanor was fired on Friday for his decision to place a noose on the magazine’s cover. Seanor said he was simply trying to be provocative, and had no idea people even read the magazine. “I’m as surprised as anyone by this whole thing,” Seanor said. “I was just trying to send a provocative message about Kelly Tilghman’s ‘lynch’ remark. I didn’t even think anybody would notice. I mean, who reads Golfweek magazine? It’s a magazine about golf. And now I’m out of a job. I guess it’s true what they say: never put a picture of a noose on the cover of a golf magazine in response to controversial comments made by a TV personality. My dad told me that, my grandfather told me that, but sometimes you have to make your own mistakes.”
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LOS ANGELES--The New Jersey Nets’ Vince Carter has a reputation for disappearing down the stretch during games, and he lived up to that reputation Saturday against the Clippers, when, in overtime, he literally disappeared from sight. “I…don’t know what happened to Vince,” said point guard Jason Kidd. “I went to throw him a pass and then he was just gone. I saw a puff of smoke and then…nothing. The next day he showed up to practice like nothing happened. I don’t even know how he did it. I wish he would tell me. I wonder if there’s any way I could disappear like that and then reappear in L.A.”
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LAS VEGAS--Krisi Ballentine, a member of the Los Angeles Temptation lingerie football team, believes her appearance in the Lingerie Bowl is her “big break” that will allow her to get her foot in the door of the entertainment industry. Ballentine’s ultimate goal is to be a movie star like Nicole Kidman. “This is totally going to be my big break,” said Ballentine, 24. “Just having something like this on my resume will open so many doors for me. I’ll be able to get TV auditions, commercial work, modeling gigs, even small parts in movies. Eventually I’m going to realize my dream of being a big movie star! If not, I’ll have played football in my underwear on TV for nothing, which is too terrifying to even think about.” Several stars of previous Lingerie Bowls have gone on to have successful careers, mainly in the doing-stuff-in-your-underwear industry.
BRISTOL, CT--Matthew Berry, ESPN’s resident fantasy expert, felt a tinge of guilt yesterday while cashing his enormous paycheck. Berry, whose main job is to surf the internet, admitted today that his job was “a joke.” “My God I can’t believe I’m getting paid for this joke of a job. I actually feel guilty. There are people starving in the world and I’m getting paid to read Stats, Inc. all day and regurgitate the information on TV. There is seriously something wrong with this world. On the upside, I’m getting paid a shitload of money, so I guess it’s not all bad.”
GLENDALE--The Super Bowl officiating crew has been decided, and at least one official is excited about the opportunity to appear in the big game. Mike Carey, a first time Super Bowl ref, plans to leave his mark on the game so his name will be linked to it forever. “Like a player, I want to leave my mark on the game so people will remember me,” said Carey. “I want to make some plays that will link me to this game forever. For instance, I might make a monumental, game-changing call that turns out to be wrong. Or I might just screw up several less significant calls. Either way, people will be talking about me for a long time. Me. A household name. Just imagine. Anyhoo, may the best team win.”
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