End Zone Prayer Nullified By Holding Penalty
DENVER--The Broncos Mike Anderson expressed disappointment Sunday when his stirring end zone prayer was nullified by a holding penalty that brought his touchdown back. Anderson said afterwards that he would wait to see if there are any flags before kneeling in prayer in the future. “After I got in the end zone, I just did what I always do: I got on my knees and said a little prayer,” Anderson said after the game. “I was like ‘Jesus, thank you for his blessing. I give all glory to you---oops. Forget it. Holding penalty.’ It’s too bad, too, because it was a nice touchdown run and I really wanted to thank God for blessing me with the talent to do what I do for a living. Too bad my idiot lineman had to screw it all up. If I was him, I’d be going to confession.”

Duke Buzzer Beater Just Makes Everyone Hate Them Even More
DURHAM, NC--Duke’s Sean Dockery hit a halfcourt prayer with no time left to send his team to a stunning victory over Virginia Tech Sunday night. The miracle shot kept the Blue Devils undefeated and made everybody in the country hate them even more. “Well this is not going to help us win any more fans,” said coach Mike Kryzewski after the game. “We certainly don’t need any more luck at this point. I mean, it’s easy to see why people hate us. Even I’m starting to hate us. Our fans are annoying and rude, our school is pompous, and I walk around with this stupid, smug look on my face like I invented basketball. To top it all off, we get every break in the world. I guess that’s why they say the rich keep getting richer.” Coach K also admitted that he won $100 on a scratch ticket hours after the game, but declined to tell anybody about it.

Steve Young Finally Realizes Where He Left His Drug Paraphenelia
BRISTOL, CT--After seeing a news report about Michael Irvin’s arrest for possession of drug paraphanelia, ESPN analsyt Steve Young finally remembered where he left his pot pipe—under the seat of Irvin’s car. Young immediately apologized for the inconvenience. “Shit! I knew I left that thing somewhere,” Young told reporters after learning of Irvin’s arrest. “I left it under the seat in Mike’s car. That’s right. Me and him went out to dinner one night and I brought the pipe because I knew we would probably want to smoke in the parking lot before going in. We did. Then we came out and…I guess I just forgot to grab it. I feel bad that Mike’s taking the heat for this. Hopefully ESPN won’t fire him. It’s not like he has a shitload of other career options.”

Chad Johnson Guarantees He Only Had Two Catches Sunday
CINCINNATI, OH--Outspoken receiver Chad Johnson made another bold guarantee after practice today: that he only had two catches on Sunday against the Browns. “I’m gonna say something right now. I’m gonna say something, so y’all come closer so you can hear,” Johnson playfully told reporters at his locker. “You ready for this one? I only had two catches on Sunday. I guarantee it. You can look at the box score. Two receptions for twenty-two yards. I was a total nonfactor. You can print that, too.” In addition, Johnson guaranteed that his team did not score 40 points like he guaranteed they would last week.

Kellen Winslow Makes Triumphant Return To Motorcycle Riding
CLEVELAND, OH--The Browns Kellen Winslow made his triumphant return to motorcycle riding today, a week after completing rehab on his right knee. Winslow suffered a torn ACL earlier this year when he was in a motorcycle accident. “Yes! I’m back everyone. It’s really great to be riding again,” said Winslow, while perched helmetless atop his Honda something or other. “A lot of people said it couldn’t be done, but I just dug deep, prayed to God, and fought my way through it. I’m sure my team is proud of me. They know they didn’t draft a quitter.” Winslow then sped away and promptly slammed into a telephone poll. He will miss the entire 2007 season.

Obscenity Uttered At College Basketball Game
COLLEGE PARK, MD--Witnesses were shocked and outraged Sunday when an obscenity was uttered during a college basketball game between Boston College and Maryland. The curse word, “asshole,” was yelled during the second half when Eagles center Craig Smith was at the free throw line. Bystanders immediately pointed the offender out to security, who escorted him out. Maryland coach Gary Williams pleaded with the fans to calm down. “Please, this is only a game. It’s not life and death,” Williams said on his weekly radio show. “In all my years of coaching, I never thought I’d hear a curse word at a basketball game, in pubic, in full earshot of women and children. This isn’s the Comcast Center Arena that I know and love. This place has lost its innocence.”

Mercury Morris Slips Back Into Obscurity
MIAMI--Former Dolphins running back Eugene “Mercury” Morris slipped back into obscurity Monday, one day after the Indianpolis Colts failed in their bid to match the ’72 Dolphins undefeated season. Morris enjoyed his moment in the sun but knows it’s time to move on once again. “Well that was fun. It’s always nice to be recognized every time a team starts approaching our little record,” said Morris, who was a member of the only NFL team in history to record a perfect season. “It usually happens once every couple years. For a while it looked like Indy was going to break it.Thank God for the Chargers, I guess. Anyway, I had a great time as usual, and I’ll see you all again sometime soon. It’s off to obscurity for me. Bye!”

Kyle Boller Regrets Taking Under In Packers-Ravens Game
BALTIMORE--The Ravens’ Kyle Boller was kicking himself Tuesday morning after betting $100 on the under in Monday night’s game against the Packers. To his shock, he threw 3 touchdown passes and his team scored a staggering 48 points, by far its highest total this season. Unfortunately, the under was a paltry 34.5 points. “Whoa, how in the hell did that happen?” Boller asked after the game. “34.5 looked like a pretty reasonable number considering the two offenses that were taking the field. Then all of a sudden we go out and score 48 points! And I throw for 3 touchdowns with no picks! Talk about bad luck. It just goes to show you that there’s no such thing as a sure thing. That’s the last time I bet against myself. I’m just too unpredictable.”